MC Placement - The Journey

ThisLife

Back to give an update. There are wins and challenges.

H has gotten physical with staff 3 times when they have had to get him to leave girlfriend's (J) room. They said if there another physical incident they will call police. The last incident occurred when her family from out of town arrived. He was in the room with J when family went arrived. I suspect this resulted in staff being more insistent as family probably was not happy.

Upping the Celexa helped immensely with the fixation on going home. He even agreed that he would like more of his person things brought in. They added lowest does of Depakote. I think this has helped in that there was a long gap between his 2nd and 3rd physical incident.

I visit weekly and usually take one of the dogs. Lasts about 30 minutes, by that time, he's wanting to get back to J. But I'm not dismissed because I won't take him home. Monthly I pick him up for a haircut, pedicure, and lunch. October was awful. By November meds had changed and it was a pleasant half day. December- J didn't want him to leave, and H wanted her to come with us. No from staff and me which did not go over well. I told him I was not allowed (as opposed to I wouldn't.) He pouted for 15 minutes and then it was forgotten. Hair and Pedi went fine. Lunch was going well. His conversation turned to liking to sleep nights in J's room. I decided to try to support facilities position on not being alone together in each other's room and not touching staff. He should just leave when staff asked. This devolved into nobody could tell him what to do. and what are they going to do" Kick me out?" Then I went off the rails with the response, "No, they will call the police and transport you to a psychiatric hospital." Fuming looks could kill expression, and I don't care about him. I returned an angry person to MC. Note to self -listen without trying to back staff up.

He called me later the same day checking in. He wanted to know what I had done the rest of the day meaning, I think, that he remembered that we had been together that day. And finished up with, "I'll talk to you later, Sis." ?!? Called the next day raving I need to get him out of there! He was caught in J's room and told to leave. I didn't receive a staff call so I guess no physical aggression.

For Christmas we were going to take him to son's house Christmas Eve for dinner and gifts. We will be visiting him in MC instead.

There are many pluses to H being in memory care. I have a life (sewing stockings for children's cancer hospital with a group at Joanne's.) Able to start home projects and stop when I need without putting everything away, so it doesn't disappear. Able to leave mail out until dealt with. Able to start a project without searching for needed items. Living in more than one room of the house. Not walking on eggshells and receiving anger all day long. No continual supervision of large toddler or dropping everything to attend to his needs NOW! Overall, much more relaxed and rested.

H's upside is being more social and involved in many activities. He is more relaxed and engaged.

Downside. Being less aware of actual functioning and daily needs. Not knowing what his current reality is when I visit. Finding topics to talk about that don't trigger negative emotions.

In reality, this disease leaves no room for good options. We agreed long before Alzheimer's that we would not want the other to spend 24/7 being caregiver with no other life for years. But the compromised brain can only experience the reality of its needs; that is all that is left.

ghphotog

ThisLife, thank you for sharing your experience with MC it is immensely helpful to me as I will be forced shortly to place my DW when over and over again I promised I wouldn't leave her.

It will be a very hard transistion for her I think but her safety and mine are making that any other choices not optional. I've found I've been losing my balance a little lately and my back is about to go out. If my back goes out I will probably have to call an ambulance to pick me up off the floor as I had to several years ago when it gave out.

She had an "accident" this morning and when I finally got her into the shower I reached up to get the shower head to wash her off and I went face forward into the shower. Somehow, an angel I guess, kept me from falling but it was way to close for comfort. Things are becoming precarious for both of us.

M1

Whew that's tough ThisLife. I am glad you are getting parts of your life back.

I don't know what you do about the in-room visiting, if i were J's family I'd probably be uncomfortable with it too. Does the facility have a psychiatrist they work with? Wondering if further medication tweaks could help?

I also think you are wise not to try to take him out of MC to your son's house. Perhaps it's also time to rethink the monthly outings. Do they provide any on-site options for haircuts and podiatry? Most do.

Thanks for the update, it does help to hear others' experiences.

M5M

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/192085#Comment_192085

You are not leaving her, I believe you are finding a safe place for her where you can shepherd her care. Your body is telling you it’s time.

ghphotog

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/192146#Comment_192146

Amen to that!

ThisLife

ghphotog- I want to second that you will not be leaving her if you opt for placement. You are selecting the best care possible given the circumstances. I too think it's time.

M1 - Thank you for your ongoing encouragement. I completely understand the concern of J's family. I totally get it. H just will not leave her alone. After interactions with H the last two days, I'm going to get him set up with the haircuts there. And contact staff about having his nails done by the podiatrist.