Medicaid

Rjheld

I am going to have to start the process of getting my husband on medicaid and he still is mostly able to understand a conversation but forgets pretty quickly. So I want to tell him why I am gathering so much information but I don't know how to do this without upsetting him. I am so torn with guilt and I know my mom felt the same way when she did this with my step dad but he was further along and she didn't have to tell him we just got it taken care of.

Any suggestions on how to start the conversation?

Thanks.

Becky

M1

Becky, you took the words right out of my mouth: i would just do it and not involve him. I know it's hard when that's a new dynamic for you, but i just wouldn't tell him, don't see that it serves any purpose. You may have to come up with some excuses-i know i did, when i went to an attorney to have my own will rewritten and to remove my partner as my POA and executor, it would have just hurt her feelings and she didn't need to know.

easy23

Don't involve him in the process. It would only cause unnecessary stress for all involved.

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/192818#Comment_192818

I agree 100% just do it! I had long tear talk and cry about what’s going on with DW seemed to understand but in 3 days didn’t remember conversation. It’s a learning experience, group told me not to explain and they were right , as usual

M5M

There will likely be documentation you need to gather. For this, you could use a generic comment such as, “ I really want to get all our information organized, put in one place…have you seen your birth certificate , we should put it with the other things…”. Use the same vague theme to get whatever information you need if you need to discuss it. Also you may have to go to Social Security or attorney or some appointment to finish this or any similar situation. Mention to your LO “ I need to run some errands today…” There is no need to get your LO confused or worried. You are protecting your partner and your financial security.

M1

I can expand on this a little bit. If you have had a close relationship, you are probably used to discussing every major endeavor or decision with your spouse. You assume that he would in fact want to know why you are looking for the tax returns for the last five years, or whatever. But now, he not only won't remember what you tell him, the discussion might engender anxiety on his part: "i need them to get you qualified for Medicaid." That's likely to lead to further discussion of why you need to do that, the possibility of future care needs, denial of anything being wrong if he has anosognosia, anger and apprehension. So-now, instead, you have to not discuss your own actions and feelings with him, and make up some excuse about why you're gathering the data (or do it surreptitiously), and this reinforces to you that you don't have the partner that you used to have, leaving you feeling sad that the relationship has changed and that you can't relate to him like you used to. But this is your new reality. And yes, it's soul crushing. This forum was and still is a huge help for me to adjust to the multiple ways my life has changed like this since dementia entered our lives ten years ago.

Jeanne C.

I agree that you should not discuss with him. I went through the process this past summer. When he noticed me pulling things together I just said I was cleaning up my files and redirected with a snack. I found it easier to do what I could when he was at daycare or asleep. He never new when I met with our CELA after he signed his POAs.

The day we got our approval I burst into tears reading the email from our lawyer. My husband asked what was wrong so I told him I was just happy and relieved that our insurance was all set. He patted me on the hand and said, "That's good."

jfkoc

I agree....maybe it is for your insurance company???

Rjheld

Thank you all for your suggestions. I will just start gathering and not mention why. He still looks at our bank account and our investments at least a couple times a day. Mostly I think because he doesn't remember doing it before. We had already gotten our POA's in order and at the time he knew why I did not have him as my POA. I have told him that my son would keep him informed if ever need be. I bought a new car this year and did not put his name on the title, that confused him but I explained that would be one less thing that would need to be taken care of if we have to do this. He hasn't mentioned it in quite awhile but every now and then it comes up. I do appreciate hearing from everyone. Happy New Year.

M5M

Becky, you mentioned DH looking at finances and investments daily, a couple of thoughts here. First, does he still have login and trade access to accounts? That would be everything from general banking to any financial kind of financial transaction. There are many stories on here about LO who have emptied the bank or investment accounts. People repeatedly advise to remove LO name from signatory access.

Then, talk with your financial advisor regarding your investments. If you have basic stocks/bonds/mutual funds, you may be able to finesse those items into a way to protect from Medicaid counting them. However, there could be another side...... Early in our process for DH, I started arranging for future Medicaid access. Well into the documentation gathering there was a conversation with attorney and the financial advisor. There was an investment where we would have lost significant money if we rearranged it to qualify for Medicaid. The financial advisor ultimately said we have enough income to self pay for his care--although much might not be left!- but he and the attorney agreed we should not pursue the Medicaid option. Possibly this is an unusual situation, but I wish I had talked to the financial people first. .....I spent way too much money on the attorney for his plan (a trust) which now is not being used.

terei

IMO Do what you have to do without involving him. It is hard getting used to doing everything unilaterally, but that’s what must be done when your partner can no longer think logically. It only complicates everything you have to get done.

Rjheld

Thanks all. We have submitted all paperwork to the attorney and she is starting the process of getting his investment accounts switched over to my name and then from there I am not sure. He does know all this is going on but forgets most of it so I just don't mention it. His mobility is getting awful and am almost ready to buy a transport chair for when we go places. He does fair in the house so I want him to continue walking as much as he can. I just know I can't lift him if he falls.