Mom turning against me

Rich Petersen

Hello all,

I'm taking care of my 86 year old mother, who has Alzheimer's. I've been caring for her for a little over 1.5 years now, and she lives with me in my home. Luckily I work from home, so I can be with her 24x7

I've had to take over all facets of her life, such as medicines, financial, etc.. but she can still get around and cook for herself, go shopping with me, etc...

Lately she has been turning against me, and has been sending letters and making calls to people saying she doesn't want to be here. It's gotten so bad, that I called a lawyer, to see what I can do to protect myself, as I feel she may even accuse me of elderly abuse. She wanted to call 911 and the police, and said to my siblings "I will wander the street until someone comes and gets me". I previously had a security system installed to prevent her from wandering, so if she does try to leave while I'm sleeping, I'll know it. I'm also afraid at the next doctor's appointment, she may say something false, and the doctor would report it as I'm pretty sure they are bound to do.

Now, my siblings are all with me, and know I'm taking excellent care of her, so I'm not worried about family, but I'm worried about things I can't control, such as letters she sends out. She's actually keeping her letters in her underwear (while she wears them) as she's paranoid I may be reading all her letters.

Is this kind of thing common in those who have this kind of disease? To turn against the very people caring for them in this way?

Rich

darcytg

Hello Rich,

So sad for the experiences you're living, your mom, too.

I am a new care giver and have been researching and reading much. My LO has shown aspects of distrust for me and other people she has a life long relationship with.

The people here will chime in with their knowlesge and experiences too.

I suggest you view Tam Cummings videos on youtube. She has several that seem to address your experience, as well as, over arching understanding AD. I've found knowledge helpful as I naviagte.

From what I've learned, yes, is the answer to your question. This behavior is a result of your mom's loss of brain matter.

Take great care of you along the journey.

Darcy

M1

Hi Rich and welcome. Yes, unfortunately, paranoia is very common and is almost always directed at the caregivers, family, or neighbors. You should report it to her doctors yourself, as there are medications that can help, and she may need to be checked for other issues like a urinary tract infection. Hopefully if the docs know you they will recognize it for what it is and not a real threat. Do you have power of attorney for her? Hope so.

Rich Petersen

Thank you all very much.

Yes I do have a POA, it was the first thing I had her do when she was diagnosed.

Emily 123

Hi Rich,

The accusations can be draining. Don't be afraid to ask siblings for assistance to give yourself a breather, or consider having an aide come in to help with your mom, or having some in-home help for yourself to do the cleaning, etc.

You can talk to the local police too, and explain what's going on--that will help them if she does manage to make a call or wander.

As you know, she isn't able to use logic or a working memory to know that you're taking good care of her. Are there any physical items she's still accesses that might be triggering her behaviors? Maybe a phone, the internet, bills or other paperwork or mail? Removal of those visual cues might help--at some point 'out of sight' becomes 'out of mind'.

Maybe she's seeing something that doesn't make sense to her, and her assumption is that you have something to do with it.

Or it could be that she's forgetting more recent years, and doesn't know why she's living with you--her available memory may be from prior to the last 1.5 years at this point and she's not really sure of why she's there at your home and not able to roam freely.

BassetHoundAnn

I'm sorry, Rich. I think this may be one of the toughest aspects of caring for a family member with dementia. You knock yourself out, make a million sacrifices, sacrifice your life in fact to taking good care of your parent, providing the best care possible in fact, and they are not only unable to be grateful but may bad-mouth you to relatives and even call the police. My mom went through this phase. Man, it was tough. I considered therapy to get through it, and that would have been a good idea, but was I so exhausted and overwhelmed it was just hard getting enough sleep to get through the days. My mom was phoning the police, lawyers, and random family members claiming she'd been kidnapped. At one point, after I moved her to a memory care facility, she convinced another resident who had a phone, to call the police for her in the middle of the night. And the police and EMTs stormed the memory care. <sigh>

Our family, sadly, has had a lot of experience with parents with Alzheimer's, so fortunately all the family members my mom called knew that she was not in her right mind. The police, lawyers and EMTs she called were also smart enough to realize what was going on.

Some here have recommended contacting the local police and explaining the situation. Local police may open a file on mom so they won't be responding to every 911 call.

This phase lasted about a year for my mom. So hang on. Things will get better.

Anti-anxiety medication may help. I spoke with my mom's PCP many times about prescribing her anti-anxiety meds. He eventually prescribed Lexapro and that helped. Once I moved her to memory care the nurse there had a talk with the PCP and he prescribed stronger remedies that seemed to help.

When she was in assisted living I made a lot of the phone numbers she was calling disappear. She had a thick phone book with names of attorneys--the pages vanished. She had a purse stuffed with business cards for police officers--those also disappeared.

When she was living at my house she would sift through my home office, searching for phone numbers of relatives. I locked up the old Rolodex and hid the phone books.

This is a tough phase. It's really tough. Hang in there!

Rich Petersen

Thank you all, the support in this group is simply fantastic.....

Ci2Ci

I started to joke that I should start dressing up and wearing full makeup since I was ending up on police bodycam so much. But, in truth, it is a serious matter. Twice, while out in public (at necessary bank branch visit and pharmacy Covid vaccine apt.), my mother quietly told staff that she had been kidnapped. The police were called, as they should be, and I was questioned. I begged the police to drag me off to jail so maybe I could get a couple night's sleep -- my only chance for respite in more than a year!

Worse, when my mother ended up in geripsych after one dangerous incident (see my comment here: https://alzconnected.org/discussion/67371/mom-thinks-i-m-wearing-a-mask#latest ), the hospital Geriatric Psych unit apparently reported that I was abusing my mother; they report that I had locked her in a room with only a piss pot. Didn't matter that was a false representation. I got a call from the State adult protective services investigating that. I mistakenly thought the APS was calling to offer me support! Learned later about GeriPsych's report.