Ashamed
Gaahhh. I got into a fight with my DW yesterday. What in the world is wrong with me? I haven’t argued with her in years. It’s been 3 years of this, I know her brain is not functioning right and yet there I was, acting like she was my DW with nothing going wrong with her. Can I still possibly be in denial? Am I losing my mind to overwhelm too? Not overwhelm from all of the tasks I now do, but from this incredible grief that’s ramped up as I see her heading into stage 5. Not sure I could feel worse about myself right now.
Comments
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Cindy, give yourself a break. Like the rest of us here, you are human, and will make mistakes.
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We all have those good days and those rough ones. Every so often, as hard as I try, I get irritated because I think DH is capable of understanding or comprehending what I am trying to do. Fatigue overload. Cut yourself some slack and know we are all human.
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Cindy, I hear you. Any time I don’t react to my DH in a positive manner, I will feel regret. But along with that regret, I try to remember that I am under stress. I tell myself I am doing my best at that moment and that the majority of time, I am caring for him positively. We caregivers are not perfect and cannot be. We don’t have to be perfect to provide good care.
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No you shouldn't be ashamed. You are trying to deal with a situation that is very stressful, heartbreaking and broken. They will get on our nerves from time to time. I know my DW isn't in control of anything anymore but somedays my patience is a bit thin and I say things I shouldn't because I just can't take it anymore that day. I feel bad and strive to do better and be more patient and understanding but is a never ending pressure on us. It's very difficult.
They have no consideration anymore of our circumstances or appreciation of what we do for them. My DW doesn't know how hard I try every waking moment to be a good caregiver to her but it's not her fault. Very trying.
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Thank you all. This journey is so dang hard. I guess my hopes of being a perfect little angel caregiver were a bit too optimistic. Ha!
I suppose can remind myself that I am a wonderful caregiver the vast majority of the time. I sure made a mess of that yesterday, but big girl pants on for a new day.
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I still react poorly sometimes (too often) and I think the stress can cause anyone and everyone to react wrong but I think for me even though this has been going on a long time and I mentally know my wife is not saying and doing things just to hurt me or cause problems, emotionally I still see my wife right in front of me saying and doing very hurtful things to me. sometimes my emotions overrides what my head knows.
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I struggle with this as well, and of course, feel terrible guilt when I don't respond appropriately. This is an ultramarathon and not a sprint. All we can do is keep plugging...
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I’m so sorry, I’m exactly where you are now. I keep telling myself to stop reasoning or correcting and yes even yelling at my DH. This feeling is the worst, you are right. I get so angry at myself, please forgive yourself. You are not at fault. You are doing your best, which is way more than good enough. Hugs💙
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The hardest part for me is resisting the urge to be right. It's black, but DW insists it's white. I know it's black, why can't she see that? Eventually I realize that if the wrong answer is not a threat to health or safety, I let it go. Okay, white.
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I hate when my frustration causes me to be rude to my DH. Fortunately, he forgets about it in less than a minute.
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I hope he forgets about my rude and terrible reactions to him. Sometimes I don’t think so. Most of the time now I get the feeling he hates me. I hope I didn’t completely blow it. I keep trying to make up for it.
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Yep. That's it exactly. I got totally emotionally overwhelmed by days and days of her "selfishness" and lost it. I know she has no idea she's being selfish, but man, did my emotions not care in that moment.
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Don’t beat yourself up (easy for me to say) you are under such stress and grief. The good thing is - even though we opine over getting upset, they have most likely forgotten about it.
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Give yourself a break. Let yourself be human. I too deal with the struggle to maintain patience and keep my temper every day. If you can manage it try to leave the room for a spell and take 10 and some deep breathes. I also find that sometimes it is a matter of being a master at distraction. I wish I was better at it.
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only up side they may forget next day ,
by any chance are you a photographer? And if so what state in in ?
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Cindy, don't beat yourself up over this. I have failed in the patience department more times than I can count, and I also feel terrible afterward. Sometimes I think one of the hardest things to deal with is the person I feel his illness is turning me into. I don't recognize that woman some days. All we can do is keep trying to do our best. Yesterday the director at his day program told me he didn't know how I managed 24/7, which was a little disconcerting. This is one hard job. Give yourself a break.
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Hi Charley, yes I'm a (was) a photographer in New Mexico.
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I have the same problem. To deal with it, I tell myself "don't sweat the small stuff!" Now what is the "small stuff"? For example, I would try to stop my DW from wearing a raincoat on top of a raincoat, and we would start arguing. Now I let it go. Who cares about the looks? She is safe and we are in harmony! Trouble is, how do you judge as to what is sufficiently important to keep insisting?
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I'm about to fail in the patience department right now. At a Dr's appt for DH's (no diagnosis but signs of MCI) ear infection pending surgery. He hurts, I know, and has no patience for waiting and of course, we are stuck in a patient room waiting. It's only on the 3rd floor.... wonder if I could safely jump out the window... 🤔
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It's like I'm reading my own words that someone else typed! Learning a little more each time an argument or disagreement presents itself and I lose my cool. I realize that things turn out so much better when I call up the "patience department" as Chammer called it. I now let him wear what he wants (most of the time), let him think I'm selfish and only thinking of myself, let him try his best to help when it's really no help at all...
But I also let him know I love him and respond with joy and laughter when he gets playful and loving. I try to keep those moments in my heart. We're all doing the best we can - I'm sure some do it better than others but this is not a competition! Thank you all for your understanding.
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I never won an argument before DH had ALZ, and I’m never gonna win one now! I just say, yes, you’re right, I can’t remember, can we buy it tomorrow, etc. After six years of living with this I just focus on making him happy & not stressed. If he’s happy & not stressed, so am I’
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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