Communication

NUMber2

I NEVER wanted to be my mother's "parent". From listening to her complaints, calming her fears, managing her bills, to bathing her (and more of course). My brother said that he simply couldn't- too much work, not emotionally capable etc...

Now, when we're in the throes of it all, he is paranoid that I'm taking all of her assets- which are slim, present thank god, but slim. Simply because he left her all alone and I stepped up.

It's been me managing her entire life for the past 4 years and he didn't seem to mind! I even tried to set time aside for us to talk about her finances etc... but he said NO. He said that there was no need, since I knew all of that information.

NOW he won't even talk to me. I can't even ask him to explain what's wrong. Because there must be some miscommunication that could easily be remedied. He's 69 years old ... this is ridiculous!!!

I really really don't care if I ever talk with him again but he's my mom's POA. She needs his help but can't express it. So I try to talk to him, to help her, but he is refusing to talk with me.

I HATE HIM!!!

I want her to move back to SC and move into AL down there and let him handle everything. (Which he could have and should have done years ago but he refused) Then, I could visit her every few months and enjoy taking her out for breakfast or going for a walk etc... My time could be spent being her daughter and not her parent.

SHAME ON HIM!!!!!

M1

This is clearcut generational gender politics--the daughters are expected to be the hands-on caregivers but the sons, bless their little mathematical minds, are expected to have the expertise to be the POA. You can rail against it, but it doesn't sound like you'll change it, and it doesn't sound like it would work very well for her to go back to SC. I'm sorry that it causes you so much anger and wish there were a way to acceptance. You could hire a professional case manager--but doesn't sound like it would add much except additional expense.

Emily 123

Hi NUMber 2,

This sounds really frustrating.

What level of care is your mother getting now, and what are you having to do for her? Is she in assisted living or memory care?

If you were going to visit her in AL in SC every few months (helping you get your life back) are there barriers to doing that where she is now?

mommyandme (m&m)

I know this sounds terrible and maybe not possible but can you give him an ultimatum? Either he starts communicating and working with you or it’ll ALL be his responsibility. My brother also admitted he couldn’t do the hands on caregiving, which I knew, and I stood up to take care of mom 24/7, not even sure if I could do it. He was the main POA and I was secondary, yet when mom moved to where I was, I ran the show. Fortunately we were able to work together, me with the hands on and him with the financial side. We had many conversations that came down to… moms money was for her care first, if nothing was left then so be it.

I know how fortunate I was and I’m so sorry for these struggles!

ginateresa

Wow, this seems very common ! I mean, the daughter being the full-time caregiver but the son being the POA. I am also in this scenario.

So far, my brother is rarely around, but we are civil. I can't help but silently resent him though. Not that he did anything to me, but he is the only one of us siblings that has a 'normal' life.

(My sister is also a caregiver to her husband who broke his neck in a fall three years ago and is now a paraplegic.)

I only hope we can keep a somewhat good relationship with all this, but I'm with you......one day....I think HE should take the reins!!!

mommyandme (m&m)

I must add that my brother and I both knew placement could happen any time, he was on board with most all of the decisions.

Anonymousjpl123

I am so sorry (and, I confess, angry) reading this. It’s so unfair and horrible and yes, typical! I have many many friends who were in this situation too. I suppose I should be grateful that I have both POA and full responsibility with 2 siblings doing nothing, but that sucks too. Easier, but still sucks.

@NUMber2 just be sure to keep receipts when you can, and make sure you are whole in this process. You are doing everything re the caretaking. Your brother should be supportive, but at this point I think you can just do what you can for your mother AND yourself, and be sure your brother knows exactly what you are doing. I’m so sorry. You are not alone.

sheila1965

My sister and I are experiencing the same situation. We are in the process of getting our mother setup in a memory care facility and our brother just says we can make the decisions. He wants nothing to do with it. But he is also enabling our mother - believing everything she says even if untrue. We were recently accused of throwing away a “Sacred Heart” picture. He told mom we were terrible and when I pointed out to him the picture is hanging in her kitchen he did t say anything. He loves to have all her attention but does not want to do any of the “hard work”. He is the oldest but takes no responsibility. Which my parents knew would be the case and assigned my sister as trustee. But he is just making it impossible to make progress with mom. We are at our wits end. I am currently reading “A loving approach to Denentia Care” which is helping to cope. I just wanted to send out a note to say I feel for you and understand how you feel about your brother. I don’t think you hate him - believe me have said the same thing over and over it is just you are stressed and really need to focus time on yourself if you can.

NUMber2

Thank you Sheila!