New here. Mom with relatively early dementia

rebellleber

I live a long way from my mom, a 4 day drive. She is relatively early in things. Her PCP never actually told her when she wrote dementia on her problem list a few years ago. Recently I went to ophthalmologist’s appointment with her and asked “she has Alzheimer’s, so you should add that to her problem list”. My mom said “I do?”
The previous time she went to the ophthalmologist, she said they had her watch a video about a certain eye surgery. At that time I asked her “do you need this eye surgery?” She replied that she thought they were just having her watch it for something to do while waiting for the doctor.

I retired in 2020 at a young age so I could spend time with my mom while she was still fun. We get along really well in general. She was willing to clear stuff out of her studio (she’s an artist) so we can have a private place to be since her house itself is pretty small. So my husband and I have come out here for a few months at a time since the pandemic began/I retired.
Now she is not so fun. I don’t think we laughed at all in the 3 visits we had in the last year. She is starting to be somewhat belligerent and confrontational when she is confused.
My husband is getting really sick of being here, and so I feel stuck in the middle. Though I think my mom is getting sick of us being here, too.

Her money is in a trust. Her previous attorney had told my parents the best thing they could do was have a trust not a will. Her current attorney (the previous one retired) doesn’t have people do trust in general because then it is more difficult for POA to get at money. I cannot be a signer on her checking account because the account is in the name of the trust. I want to do whatever I can now while she is still competent. But it is hard to say that to her.
We decided to stay 3 weeks longer than initially planned, partly so I could do some of these financial things, but I have been putting things off somewhat. The days go so fast and we get nothing accomplished.
No particular questions here, just introducing myself.

towhee

Hello rebelleber, welcome to the forums. This particular board does not get a lot of traffic, so please feel free to post on one of the others if you are not getting a response.

I am glad you had time to spend with your mom before the disease progressed. Knowing that your role is going to change from being equal companions to now having to take more responsibility for your mom is hard. You are to be commended for looking into the financials while your mom is still competent. Members of the board usually suggest that you consult a Certified Elder Law Attorney (CELA) at nelf.org, as they more experience with how Alzheimers and legal matters intersect.

suzieqpmp

My mom's GP gave her a diagnosis of "mild cognitive impairment" for at least two years. During that time I could not get any access to the Trust (all her money is in the Trust) so I used my personal account to pay bills when she wouldn't pay. Finally he GP referred her to a neurologist. Took 9 months to get the appt. After I told the neurologist about how much money has been fraudulently withdrawn from her account he gave me a letter stating that she cannot handle her finances or medical decisions due to a degenerative disease. That is what it took for the attorney to remove Mom as the trustee. Since I was listed as the successor trustee, I now have access to her accounts ( but it took many hours of meetings with bankers to get that changed!). I was told that many newer trusts require two doctors to sign stating incompetence.