Driving

Katielu

So, was not driving at all, letting me drive while we waited for an OT driving eval… he passed, no idea how, he couldn’t even fill out the forms.

Anyway, now it is a foot race to the car and a couple flat out arguments, where I say I dot. Want to go any more.

he checks to see that he knows where is wallet and keys are before he goes to bed every night. I have him ALMOST talked into getting rid of both our cars and going to one car to “ save money”

most of the time, he only tries to drive when I am gone for the day, once a week when I work away from home.

also, his PCP is aware of all my concerns for his driving, but someone in his office called and told DH he passed and could drive…

any other creative ideas… I don’t let him drive but it is getting exhausting. Since he stopped taking his Aricept, I am hoping he will be more guide able soon? Wishful thinking?

trottingalong

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I don’t have any ideas or suggestions though. I sure hope someone does.

sandwichone123

His car could "break down," and you could either take a while figuring out how to get it fixed, or get it taken "to the shop."

Pat6177

If the keys are a key fob, take the batteries out. I was lucky, when I went to do this, the batteries in the extra set were already dead. Then use sandwichone123’s suggestion and have difficulty getting the battery replaced. Oh, I brought it to Ace but they didn’t have the right battery. Or the person that does the key batteries wasn’t working today. It’d be great if you can get him to downsize to one car. I did that during Covid. I told DH that the amt they paid for used cars was at an all time high. So I sold mine and I’m driving his car. 2 1/2 yrs later and he still thinks I’m going to get a car of my own.

added: Have you checked out ALZconnected Resources in the purple banner at the top here? Then select Dementia Resources, then Caregiver, the the last line is for Safety and Driving. You never know where the one idea that will work will come from!

S. Lynch

Katie Lu, Just going through this same situation. DH’s neurologist did tell him that if he passed he needed to listen to his family and only go two places. He passed the OT assessment, too. I have no idea how. His road awareness and backing up skills are gone. He can’t make a decision quick enough as he drives. He hasn’t been able to put fuel in a vehicle for two years. We’ve had several days when I’ve had to show him her report. I know it is very hard to give this up . One of the places he can go could have children present when school is out. He will not be able to go there much longer. I give him two days a week we can go anywhere. I’m his chauffeur, and I let him decide where to go, and try not to get in an argument about directions! SOMETIMES that helps.

We live out in a very rural area. I have a tracker in our pickup, most of his friends are “on board” with the restrictions. He will still try to sneak a drive in. All I know is that it is fine for a week, then it’s an issue again. Seems to be getting more unpredictable. I have friends who think it’s crazy that I let him drive four miles on a dirt road to visit his farmer friends. And then those that think it’s too restrictive. Sometimes I feel both crazy and too restrictive.

I know we would all be devastated if he had an accident and hurt someone else. I believe he won’t be doing any driving by fall. Today we went to town, 90 miles one way. For model airplane parts, and his favorite coffee. We had a nice lunch. Nine hours later we were home. I am mentally exhausted. I had to remind myself several times that these are the better days. I can say it, but don’t always feel it.

I understand. Thank you for your post.

LaneyG

Gosh. I feel your pain Katielu. There are days that I think if this one driving issue would go away the quality of my life would so improve. DH is obsessed with driving. It’s an everyday struggle. He is now asking for the driving assessment which I am sure he’d fail. but now after Katielu’s comment I’m not so sure. Even if he does fail I’m not convinced it will be the end of story. He says I’m lying when I remind him every doc told him he shouldn’t drive. He wants me to practice with me as he’d watch me and then have me watch him. When I don’t embrace the idea he says I’m not being supportive and am trying to end his life. I experimented with taking his keys once. He was irate with me and did not let up til they magically reappeared in a pocket. I’m considering disabling the car but he will assume I had something to do with that too. He would also obsess no end till we got it fixed. He refuses to sell it. If I sell mine I fear he will insist on driving mor cuz it is his car. I pray every nite this problem will just go away. Does it ever just go away? As the disease progresses? I’ve been able to keep him from driving but it has been sheer torture for both of us.

frankay

Katielu- I feel your pain. The driving thing was one of the most stressful things I dealt with DH. It was an awful time. He also passed his OT assessment and like your DH, couldn't fill out the forms. I explained his situation and begged the young lady doing the assessment to be aware of his problems. Her response after the road test "Oh he made a couple of mistakes in lane changing but he knew he did them" She was more concerned about the psychological effect of losing his ability to be independent and he was so pleasant she said. Could not believe it! We live in a congested area with lots of traffic. I don't think she had a clue about Alzheimers. He drove a few more times after that until the battery on his truck ran down and he could never figure out how to recharge the battery with his battery charger. I told him I knew nothing about how to make batteries work, didn't know anyone who did and you couldn't buy batteries anymore . He soon gave up and forgot about driving.

M5M

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68093/driving

Katie Lu, would the doctors office call again, say there is a mistake, “ his driving test was not accepted and They need to let you know the license renewal was not approved .” Tell them Not to say This is Sue at Dr Jones. Just say: This is doctors office. So he can’t investigate who called?

ButterflyWings

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/197388#Comment_197388

1. Hide the keys (remove them from the house except for the 1 set that you keep on you at all times).
2. Disappear the extra car immediately. If you need to, park it in a friend's garage until it can be sold.
3. Hide, or temporarily disable the other car whenever it is at home and you are not. e.g. unplug or even remove the battery, etc.
4. If you have a garage, confiscate all the remotes so he can't open it. Also remove the key to any door.
5. Park around the corner just out of sight (out of mind)
6. Tell him it is not working, has to be repaired.
7. Pretend you have no idea about all the above. But you will help figure it out. That way, you are on his side.
8. I had to do all of the above and more. But it is worth it. I'm SO sorry the system failed you both.

RickM

The folks in the system don’t want to “take away the person with dementia’s independence” …until they hit someone.

Katielu

Thank you all, it seems it is an issue for so many, and it is exhausting.

we are going shopping for a car tomorrow and I told him I don’t care if we don’t even buy a new one, I just want one car in the garage, that’s it!

I would have so much more control that way ( he would still be cranky, but that is not new)

Thanks for the support all, I’ll let you know how far shopping goes!

jsps139_

After my DH went to his first appointment with the Neurologist 10 yrs ago, he handed me his driver’s license and said, “I want to turn this in tomorrow and get a State ID because if I ever hit someone while driving, I’d never forgive myself. And, that way if I want to drive after my memory gets worse, you can just tell me that I don’t have a license.” The whole family was so proud of him for making that decision. I always say … it was divine intervention. BUT … it didn’t take long before he started blaming me because he doesn’t have a license. He still gets so angry (10 yrs later) and of course, he doesn’t remember that he voluntarily turned his license in, even though I remind him how proud everyone was when he made the decision to not drive. He says …. that never happened. He is still convinced that he could drive even though he never knows where we are when we are out. I’ve been dealing with this issue for 10 years. As we all know, nothing is easy with this disease. 🙁

Ed1937

@Katielu and @frankay I'm just wondering here. You both said they couldn't fill out the forms. Who filled them out?

Pat had a good suggestion about taking the batteries out of the key fob. If anyone doesn't know how to do that, check out YouTube. Just search for the model and year of the car, and add batteries key fob. It's not hard to change them. I hope everyone finds an answer for this common problem.

Gig Harbor

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/197398#Comment_197398

I would send a copy of this to the people that told him he could drive and tell them that you will include them in any law suit filed against him when he gets in an accident. Ask them to reverse their decision and send him a letter stating that he is no longer allowed to drive.

Gig Harbor

frankay

In response to filling out forms - The neurologist referred him to the OT driving assessment group and I filled them out because I was so sure he would fail and I was at my wits end. At that point he couldn't remember his DOB and some of the other info on the form. After he passed, I lost all confidence in the OT assessment procedure and I have listened to many similar stories. I personnally think a uniformed police officer or at the very least, someone trained in dealing with PWD should do the assessment. But then again PWD have their good days and their bad days, especially in the beginning. Don't know what the answer is. For me, caring for my DH for 6 years before placement was less stressful compared to the hell we went through over driving, and we all know how hard caregiving is.

Ed1937

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/197519#Comment_197519

I think Gig is onto something there. Great idea! I would also question the neurologist saying he could only drive two places. You are either competent or you are not.

Katielu

As far as the forms, he sat next to me. When I told him he wasn’t being truthful ( no to the question of do you have me worry problems and has anyone ever told you you should not drive) he turned his back to me and told me to go away. He took a piece of paper out of his wallet with our address and his phone number written on it, to complete that portion.

once he passed the OT test, the doctor told him he could drive. It is documented in his chart thru the patient portal, that i told the doctor I do not feel he is a safe driver and that it will be on the doctors head.

i took the batteries out of the fob, but he fixed it.

good news is, one car is sold, in two days we will be a one car family and in a week we are buying a new car, he will not be able to drive it as it will all be new. He had me test drive as “ you will be driving it”

Ed1937

Katielu, that is fantastic news!

cvannor

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68093/driving

I had to hide the keys from my husband. He was confused what happened to them but eventually forgot about driving and let me do it in my car.

frankay

Katielu, I think you're on to something by getting a new car. I've known 3 other people now who solved their PWD driving problem by going down to one car and getting a new one. The new one was too complicated for their PWD to figure out how to even start it and all the gadgets terrified them. Expensive solution but maybe this will calm things down and be the answer. Good luck.

Katielu

Frankly,

Thats the goal!!

I’ll keep you updated, for now, his car has been sold and mine has a lot of room in the garage.

I will say, it was sad to watch, but it is truly the best for all.

thanks everyone

ButterflyWings

DH cannot figure out my pushbutton ignition, thankfully. He has definitely tried a couple of times in the last 2 years. Out of the blue. Don't let your guard down even after they stop driving for a long time. Just keep the keys out of sight, to be safe.

And I also learned the hard way, not to leave DH in the passenger side of a rental or someone else's car with it running while I step out to grab the mail or meds or anything. He had not tried to drive for at least a year, maybe more. But that day he did. Switched seats and moved the car 1 row over, in the parking lot. Dangerous! I never did that again.

JJ401

Last year when it was time for the car to be inspected, I arranged for it not to pass, and to then to be too expensive to repair. DH has been sitting in the passenger seat ever since.