Anger and agitation - how much is too much?

LaneyG

Over the years I have managed to develop a lot of patience and compassion for what DH is going through. But, I really struggle with anger and agitation. Throughout our marriage we were never screamers. With this disease the occasional yelling, screaming, and verbal attacks are killing me. My stomach immediately ties up in knots, I feel myself start to panic, and I fear I’m going to lose my mind if I don’t escape it. Does anyone else experience this? Do you ever get used to it? I’m assuming here that the occasional bouts of anger and agitation is a given part of the disease. Is this ever managed to the point where it just stops?

TyroneSlothrop

LaneyG, I know what you mean! In 48 years of marriage, DW and I have learned many kinds of emotions about each other; but her anger is the one that still unsettles me. Now in Stage 6, I know it doesn’t mean anything, and yet . . . I still react; I shrink from it; I argue with it (not recommended!); I get angry back (useless and embarrassing). When I am my best self, I acknowledge, I embrace her, distract maybe. And sometimes that works.

Apropos your question, I don’t think it will stop, but rather increase. Somehow I think her anger is at the tragedy of her loss, of the braininess that earned her 3 Ivy League degrees, of the friendliness that cultivated such love with her family and friends, of her ability to function with grace and initiative. I would be angry, too, I’m afraid. But that knowledge does not help me much.

Hang in there, if you can. You have my sympathy.

LaneyG

I believe you are so right about the true source of the anger. I just got to learn to deal…

M1

Laney, given that you just got him home: if you are not comfortable with the level of aggression/anger still being expressed/acted out, I would turn right around and take him back in a heartbeat. Not acceptable for you to feel threatened at all.

mrahope

I wish I had some wise advice to give you. My DH had an episode of rage so intense yesterday that it truly frightened me. He threw small objects and knocked over a trash can in the kitchen. I found myself shaking. I finally said, "I am going out for a short walk". Ten minutes later when I returned he had quit throwing things but was still angry. I went in my room and closed the door. I stayed there 45 minutes and then just came out. He had crashed and was sleeping.

Later in the evening when he was calmer, I told him how frightened I had been. He begged for forgiveness, and said he should "leave". If only he could even recall these moments, I might believe him. The only reason I told him was to get it off my own chest. I do not expect it to do any good at all.

About the best I can do now is try to manage expectations (my own), and look for more ways to combat the stress.

ButterflyWings

All - Try to videotape or at least audio record the next time this happens (maybe with your cell phone) and get the doctor on this right away. This sounds like anti-psychotic meds need to be started, increased, or changed for one that works.

Ernie123

I agree with Butterflywings, contact your doctor. Your spouse is no longer able to regulate his emotions due to the disease. Anxiety and agitation can lead to outbursts of violence. An assessment by a Geriatric Psychiatrist will usually lead to low dose antipsychotic meds. My DW of 56 years became violently aggressive with me a few years ago and had to be medicated for my safety and her well being. We had never had any conflict or tension in our marriage but this awful disease changes the brain and sudden changes in personality can arise.

Always remember it is the disease causing the behavior that is not able to be regulated by your spouse.

Gig Harbor

Two members in my support group have experienced this with their spouses and in each case Seroquel helped. It also helped my husband when he would become anxious and fixated on things. We all agreed that they were much happier once the level of anger and anxiety was controlled with the drug. I remembered how in the late 60’s and early 70’s my husband smoked pot to feel the same relaxation so I did not feel bad for giving him the drug.

Gig Harbor

DTSbuddy

We are having fewer angry exchanges. Some of it was a result of nightmares. Other incidents were related to his frustrations, and my unreasonable expectations. I went through months of crying a lot, grieving for the loss of my reliable, competent, and articulate husband, but I'm learning to be better support for the person who replaced him. Many young people have to cope when a parent divorces or dies. They may feel resentful, but have to learn to live with different people. I can do this. I can live respectfully with this new person. I can wait patiently for him to do things in his own time. I can make suggestions, ask his opinion, and gently guide him into appropriate behavior. I can take measures to reduce behaviors that require me to clean up after him. I can resist the urge to be sarcastic. This is his life now, and he deserves kindness and understanding. When he launches into fluent but totally unintelligible dialogue, I can give him my undivided attention, and time it, to remind myself it's only ten or fifteen minutes, though it feels like an hour. He appreciates it so much. And I smile a lot at him. I remind myself he will reflect my emotional state. If I express irritation, he will too, and escalate it. I can lean into soothing music or silence.

If you are dealing with random anger, my heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself.

bonkey

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/197521#Comment_197521

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/197521#Comment_197521

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/197522#Comment_197522

Two people in the group have suggested Seroquel for my husband's preoccupation with with sex talk but his neurologist and my nurse daughter say it has nasty side effects and raises risks if heart attack and stroke. I can hardly be in the same room with him as I can't stand to listen to him

Sherry LD

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/197537#Comment_197537

This follows a lot of what Dr Edmonds teaches. Ed posted the links in his post. Something we all need to learn and use

Kat63

My situation with my DH sounds like DTSbuddy. I have realized that most of the negative reactions from my DH was a reflection of how I was handling the situation. Most of the time I feel I do a good job, but usually when a new symptom happened it would throw me and I wouldn’t handle the situation in the best way and my DH would react. So this was an emotional reaction on my part as was just another step further into this terrible disease and solidifying that I was losing more of my dear DH and the wonderful marriage and life we had. It has certainly been a long journey (and we are in early stage 6) but I have finally ACCEPTED that my DH is gone and I am his caregiver. To finally really accept this was big for me and I now react as a caregiver and not as his wife. For me it’s now being the best caregiver I can be. I think more about how hard it is for him and do everything I can to help him.

harshedbuzz

@bonkey

It's always a risk/benefit question.

Which is worse? Living into the final stages or dementia bedbound, silent with painful bedsores and contractures after years in the care of a person who finds your behavior loathsome or an improved quality of relieved of the feelings that drive the behaviors she finds upsetting? Remember, emotional intelligence remains intact well into the later stages of the disease.

We chose to medicate. Dad took a low dose of Seroquel twice a day for the last 18 months of his life. I don't know whether that robbed dad of time on earth-- I figure he lived about 13 years from his earliest symptoms until he died. Dad had aspiration pneumonia when he died, but his actual death could have been a heart attack or stroke. Either way, the Seroquel allowed him to remain at home in mom's care until a few weeks before he died. Without it, his options for care would have been limited; our agency wouldn't accept clients who made their staff feel uncomfortable and most facilities won't either.

HB

jsps139_

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/197537#Comment_197537

I loved your post. Thank you!

BDGeorgie

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68098/anger-and-agitation-how-much-is-too-much

I am not sure what stage my husband is in He was diagnosed with MCI a few years ago but I think we saw changes before that. Th one thing that is so hard to see is how long it takes him to do a task. This man a successful business for over 30 years. He knows he is forgetting and says I'm sorry a lot which breaks my heart. Th other thing I have noticed he gets easily agitated often saying things or doing things when frustrated. It is scary and embarrassing . I am embarrassed for him and by him. I know he can't help it.

Other times he is his old sweet self./Sometimes when he does not remember things he has agreed to I feel like he does not trust me. I am not always at my best. I know my frustration shows in my expressions and sometimes I say we talked about that etc. His memory is getting much worse and a pet scan confirmed it was Alzheimer's I do not know what stage he is in but it seems to have advanced. I feel your pain and can identify with it.

M1

Welcome to the forum. If you look under Groups, there's one for new members that contains a lot of useful information including the Tam Cummings staging tool, that may give you some idea of where he is. One hard lesson for you to learn is to stop discussing things with him, which is very counterintuitive. He can no longer "agree" to anything, so you have to start doing things on your own and don't include him in your discussions. Its better just to present him with a fait accompli. Not "do you want to have dinner with the kids this weekend?", but rather " we're having dinner with the kids tonight.".