Doesn’t know I’m his wife?!?

kathyb

Hi all - new to this - need help in a lot
Of ways but the one thing I want to know how to deal with is answering the question my husband has frequently “where is my wife? How can I contact her!” I’m his wife of 54’years and tell him that but not doesn’t seem to matter?

M1

Hi kathy, a lot of us have had this happen, and it's heartbreaking. For my partner it has been intermittent, but she no longer knows my name.

Some have suggested saying things like "she's just stepped out for a minute," or actually leaving the room and coming back in in different clothing-sometimes this achieves a "reset" of sorts. But i think it's pretty haphazard. Reasoning with him or insisting you're his wife likely won't work.

I'm sorry, i know how painful it is.

hiya

Hello Kathy, it is really hard when this starts happening. My DH started this in stage 4 while sundowning daily. Initially I started showing him photos but they sometimes got him upset. I feel now in stage 5 he no longer recognizes me as his wife, but as someone who he likes and lives with him. It’s difficult; I have got used to it. M1’s suggestions are spot on. As for me now, I just go with whatever DH thinks. You are not alone and with the help this site provides, you will get through this crazy journey.

DTSbuddy

My DH does not know our names, but he does know us that we care for each other. When our son comes to visit, tears well up in my DH's eyes and he gives him a big hug. I like Hiya's description, I'm 'someone who he likes and lives with him.' I'll feel grateful if I can maintain that. When he asks me who I am, I tell him I'm his dancing partner, or I'm the girl he met in the airport who moved in with him.

ButterflyWings

Yes, this is one of those heart-skips-a-beat topics. It still stops me in my tracks sometimes, though it has been years since DH first asked me where the other woman went. There was only me, his wife, and I realized then he had no idea of that any more at least on that day, at that moment. Broke my heart and took my breath away.

I am happy to be someone he likes or loves, even though he may say I am wife, sister, cousin, daughter, or even son. I don't quiz him -- these are just things he voluntarily lets slip out, and I have gotten used to it for the most part. Still hurts a bit sometimes though.

What may be happening is "time traveling". As our PWD LOs' more recent memories disappear due to the brain damage dementia causes, they have a sense of living in an earlier time of their lives and may feel they are quite young. In his mid 70s, DH was stuck mentally in his teens and young 20s for a time, talking a lot about seeing friends and family who are no longer even living. This trick that dementia plays on their minds, means they are looking for spouses, parents and others to be their younger selves also. So, seeing me with grey hair means I maybe could be his mom, but I'm not the young version of his wife that he expects to see.

The article "Understanding the Dementia Experience...by Ghent-Fuller" explains this very well and clarified a lot of things for me. Also, it helped so much with compassion and better understanding just like the title says -- as it made me focus more on how my heart goes out to my beloved who was struggling so much to make sense of things, rather than feeling sorry for myself because he didn't know me at times.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

charley0419

I'm dealing with this now 15?months but nowhere near that stage but that's today. Everyday an adventure. I can't imagine my wife of 55 yrs may not know me. Guess I'm in denial of sorts.

TyroneSlothrop

It hurts, at first, but that fades; or at least it matters less. I introduce myself to DW every morning, just to reassure her, and I have learned to answer her questions without surprise, “That’s your granddaughter,” etc. Normalizing her loss works for me, for now. But, sorry! It hurt like crazy when it started! My sympathies for you!

frankay

For me, DH hasn't known me as his wife or my name for a couple of years now and we've been married for 52 years. I visit nearly every day at MC and wear a visitor name tag. Every time he reads my name tag, says my name and I say "Yep, I'm your wife". He says "Oh, okay". I don't think it means a thing because he has no concept of the meaning of wife or names because he doesn't even know his name. It used to upset me but now there are other things more important to worry about. I guess its all relative.

Beachfan

My DH didn’t know me or my role in his life for sometime prior to placement. He knew I was supposed to be there, often asking my DD or DDIL, “where is she?” Eventually, he would go anywhere with anyone who helped him, no questions asked. In MC, I would visit around lunchtime when he was seated in his usual spot. Each time I would stand in front of him and announce, “The girl of your dreams is here!!” In 17 months, DH did not once respond appropriately. Once it became a pattern, several of his cottage mates would clap and laugh and hoot. It made my day. I miss DH; I miss those lovable residents.

l7pla1w2

DW has started saying that someone with the same name as me recently divorced her, reasons unknown, and she has been living alone for quite awhile. But she accepts me as someone who is taking good care of her, and maybe that's good enough. The downside is she gets very anxious if I'm not here, which could be in another room, even, or outside in the yard. I'm working on finding in-home care or an activity program that would give me some respite.

GiGi1963

My husband doesn't know who I am. He tries to pay me for every meal I prepare. He does say he loves me and asks my name. He knows I take care of him and sometimes mentions his wife but she may have died or he is convinced he was never married. We've been married 60 years. Sad he doesn't know me but he loves me and I can work with that.

Joydean

It is a painful experience when our lo does not know who we are. My dh doesn’t know for sure who I am but he tells me he loves me and that’s enough for me. We too have been married for 54 years. I think the fact he doesn’t know who our kids are hurts even more. Because I can see how much it hurts them and our grandkids.

frankay

Joydean, I agree. My hurt and pain is more for our kids and grandkids. It just devastates our son who was so close to his Dad. Also for our daughter when he asks who is she and where does she live. They're grown adults and you can see the pain and almost tears in their face everytime he asks them who they are. My mother had dementia and the first time she asked me who was my mother, I cried like a baby for hours and I was in my 60's.

l7pla1w2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/197682#Comment_197682

Thank you so much for posting the link to "Understanding the Dementia Experience." The booklet encapsulates so many things I've experienced already and is an, at times, scary forewarning of what may be to come. If you haven't read it, I urge you to do so.