Doesn’t know I’m his wife?!?

Hello Kathy, it is really hard when this starts happening. My DH started this in stage 4 while sundowning daily. Initially I started showing him photos but they sometimes got him upset. I feel now in stage 5 he no longer recognizes me as his wife, but as someone who he likes and lives with him. It’s difficult; I have got used to it. M1’s suggestions are spot on. As for me now, I just go with whatever DH thinks. You are not alone and with the help this site provides, you will get through this crazy journey.

Yes, this is one of those heart-skips-a-beat topics. It still stops me in my tracks sometimes, though it has been years since DH first asked me where the other woman went. There was only me, his wife, and I realized then he had no idea of that any more at least on that day, at that moment. Broke my heart and took my breath away.

I am happy to be someone he likes or loves, even though he may say I am wife, sister, cousin, daughter, or even son. I don't quiz him -- these are just things he voluntarily lets slip out, and I have gotten used to it for the most part. Still hurts a bit sometimes though.

What may be happening is "time traveling". As our PWD LOs' more recent memories disappear due to the brain damage dementia causes, they have a sense of living in an earlier time of their lives and may feel they are quite young. In his mid 70s, DH was stuck mentally in his teens and young 20s for a time, talking a lot about seeing friends and family who are no longer even living. This trick that dementia plays on their minds, means they are looking for spouses, parents and others to be their younger selves also. So, seeing me with grey hair means I maybe could be his mom, but I'm not the young version of his wife that he expects to see.

The article "Understanding the Dementia Experience...by Ghent-Fuller" explains this very well and clarified a lot of things for me. Also, it helped so much with compassion and better understanding just like the title says -- as it made me focus more on how my heart goes out to my beloved who was struggling so much to make sense of things, rather than feeling sorry for myself because he didn't know me at times.

It hurts, at first, but that fades; or at least it matters less. I introduce myself to DW every morning, just to reassure her, and I have learned to answer her questions without surprise, “That’s your granddaughter,” etc. Normalizing her loss works for me, for now. But, sorry! It hurt like crazy when it started! My sympathies for you!

My DH didn’t know me or my role in his life for sometime prior to placement. He knew I was supposed to be there, often asking my DD or DDIL, “where is she?” Eventually, he would go anywhere with anyone who helped him, no questions asked. In MC, I would visit around lunchtime when he was seated in his usual spot. Each time I would stand in front of him and announce, “The girl of your dreams is here!!” In 17 months, DH did not once respond appropriately. Once it became a pattern, several of his cottage mates would clap and laugh and hoot. It made my day. I miss DH; I miss those lovable residents.

My husband doesn't know who I am. He tries to pay me for every meal I prepare. He does say he loves me and asks my name. He knows I take care of him and sometimes mentions his wife but she may have died or he is convinced he was never married. We've been married 60 years. Sad he doesn't know me but he loves me and I can work with that.

Joydean, I agree. My hurt and pain is more for our kids and grandkids. It just devastates our son who was so close to his Dad. Also for our daughter when he asks who is she and where does she live. They're grown adults and you can see the pain and almost tears in their face everytime he asks them who they are. My mother had dementia and the first time she asked me who was my mother, I cried like a baby for hours and I was in my 60's.