My heart hurts. . .

ghphotog

Now that I've placed my DW in MC after so many years of living in her world, day in and day out, 24/7/365 I thought I'd feel "free" now and in some ways I do but I miss her so much more than I thought I would. She's doing pretty well there and for some reason that breaks my heart even more. That she doesn't really know where she's at but just goes with the flow and lives in the moment and I think about the early days of Alz when she was easy to care for.

They sent me photos of her with some other residents and they were arranging flowers, she was so engaged and I am happy about that. I really can't explain it but my heart breaks for her. It's all I can think about every night. I feel alone. I know I couldn't take her back, maybe I could if I had more help IDK, but I miss her so much. I didn't go see her today. I saw her Friday and my mom on Saturday but today I wanted to go see her but didn't and I feel guilty.

What is it about this dmnd disease that just breaks your heart continually? If she died from something else then possibly it would be easier after a while but with this disease it's like she dies over and over and over in my heart.

fmb

GH, my heart is breaking for you. I have cried nearly every day since my DH moved into AL three months ago. Like you, I could not have my DH back in the home due to a number of reasons, including my own damaged health. We are mourning the loss of the loved one we used to know, the loss of their company, the loss of the relationship we had when they were healthy, the loss of our plans for the future together. So much loss leaving such a hole in the heart. The grief is always there. I see him every day now and console myself with the thought that he is receiving much better care than I was able to provide.

On another, more positive note, your earlier post about rearranging the furniture and changing your home to better suit your needs and tastes inspired me to finally start doing the same. He will never return to my house, but he will always have a home in my heart.

Jgirl57

Go easy on yourself. You are still emotionally drained and need to rest enough to figure out how you want to structure your time. It is a big loss even tho she is doing well in MC. I am glad you stayed home today . As caregivers we do let guilt consume us sometimes. Your DW needs you in different ways now . Take time to just rest. My heart hurts for you.

JeriLynn66

I wish I had words to comfort you. When a loved one passes, there is a finality and a beginning; a different stage.

You are being confronted with ongoing grief. Please be gentle with yourself. Rest when you can, cry when you need to and know you’ve done everything possible to keep your dear wife safe and cared for.

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68308/my-heart-hurts

I need to ask you this as your remarks are breaking my heart. My wife like I’ve said not too bad yet, but my question is did you ever feel at one point she would never get this bad and just stay as is?

min my mind I can’t imagine her not knowing me , 55 yrs together, but I know it’s going to happen, am I losing it???

Joe C.

GH, I placed DW 27 months ago and completely understand what you are feeling. I can tell you the pain your feeling now will subside some but never go away. I visit DW 5 days a week and I’m still brokenhearted still when I see her at the MC & feel guilty the days I don’t go. My advice is to meet her at her place and enjoy whatever you can still do together. My DW still love music and until recently was able dance so I would schedule my visit around music entertainment when possible. Being able to sing and dance with her brought me some happiness even though see no longer recognizes me as her husband. When you’re not visiting keep yourself busy and socially active. Sitting home alone is a killer.

M1

GH I'm like Joe, been at this 23 months now. I am now resigned to her absence, but it makes home a lonely place indeed. Beautiful (because she did so much to make our farm what it is), but lonely. I am reminded of her everywhere I look. This is comfort sometimes, but painful too. The pain and the tears come and go. I see her three or four times a week, usually for lunch, and after lunch we either walk down to the little conservatory to see the plants, or do some little art activity--last week we painted birdhouses, but honestly, she can't really even hold a paintbrush any more without getting paint everywhere--so that activity is now down the drain too. She's falling more often, and restless at this time of year because it's still too cold to go outside. She asks every day when she can come home, although she doesn't know where home is. She just wants to be with me, and still resists care from the MC aides.

As spring comes I have the garden and grandchildren to keep me somewhat busy, but my energy for it is limited. More often than not, after a visit to MC I just come home and go to bed.

I am glad she transitioned so easily, I know you were so worried about it. It's still very, very early days, so do be gentle with yourself. Try not to feel guilty on the days you don't go.

ghphotog

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199722#Comment_199722

Charley, for the first few years she was pretty easy to take care of even though she couldn't do much anymore on her own but she was pleasant, easy going and I thought this won't be too bad, I can handle this but little by little things did change and the last two years or so have slowly but steadily became more difficult. I wish I had good news in that regard. I also feel for you as I know what your'e likely to come up against. With this disease there is rarely rarely good news.

Hang in there Charley.

ghphotog

Thanks everyone! I'll be fine

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199734#Comment_199734

Thank you M1. I think it's just the abrupt change from full time caregiving for so long to being on my own overnight. It feels a bit traumatic I guess and my anxiety is directed toward missing her I suppose. I'm glad however, that I don't have the same worries as you do with your DW in MC. Things can still change but so far that is a worry I don't have right now. I do count it as a huge blessing that things have been going so well. I hope things smooth out for you as well. If she only could truly realize how much you do for her and how much you care and what a realible honarable partner you are and have been. Maybe someday they will know.

ghphotog

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199726#Comment_199726

Joe, my DW also loves music. When a song comes on her entire countanence changes. She still has her favorite songs that she remembers. When she was her at home we would watch Brooks and Dunn on youtube and especially where they sang "This is where the cowoby rides away". She immediately recognized Ronnie Dunn and his long red hair and would be like a child pointing and exclaiming "oh! oh! oh! there he is!!

ghphotog

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199699#Comment_199699

Thank you fmb! It does leave a hole that takes getting used to and that's for sure. I'm glad I rearranged the living room. I can walk into it and know it's too my liking now although I never minded how things were arranged before.

ghphotog

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199718#Comment_199718

Thank you JeriLynn!

ghphotog

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199711#Comment_199711

I've stayed home today as well,It's ugly out today. Not a good day to take her for a ride or a coke. She has a dentist appt tomorrow.

ghphotog

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199711#Comment_199711

Thank you Jgirl!

White Crane

GH, I understand so much where you’re coming from and what you’re feeling. My husband went from the hospital to memory care one month and three days ago. I miss him so much it’s a physical ache. After 56 years of marriage, it hurts so much to go to bed at night without him beside me. I was sick last week and couldn’t visit him. I think I missed him more than he missed me. I couldn’t wait to see him yesterday. He still wants to come home but other than that he seems to be adjusting pretty well. I’m praying that I can adjust also. My heart hurts for all of us on this forum.

Brenda

Crushed

DW went in to Memory care in October 2017 I guess that is 76 months ago.

I face time every weekday and see her on weekends. She has no recognition of anyone

It is hard to admit that the woman I loved and married is simply gone and there is nothing left.

She is 72

Dogsaremylife

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68308/my-heart-hurts

You have to rest. Surely sleep deprivation has been a big part of your life for years, and it is amazing the toll this takes on your health and your emotions. There is a reason this disease is called the "Long Goodbye". Each day is an emotional balancing act, or a roller coaster. My DH is nearing the end after 6 years and he is home here with me. Your feeling of missing your DW and then discovering moments of relief is how we find our way to acceptance. Try to sleep! Blessings to you and your DW.