My heart hurts. . .

Go easy on yourself. You are still emotionally drained and need to rest enough to figure out how you want to structure your time. It is a big loss even tho she is doing well in MC. I am glad you stayed home today . As caregivers we do let guilt consume us sometimes. Your DW needs you in different ways now . Take time to just rest. My heart hurts for you.

I need to ask you this as your remarks are breaking my heart. My wife like I’ve said not too bad yet, but my question is did you ever feel at one point she would never get this bad and just stay as is?

min my mind I can’t imagine her not knowing me , 55 yrs together, but I know it’s going to happen, am I losing it???

GH I'm like Joe, been at this 23 months now. I am now resigned to her absence, but it makes home a lonely place indeed. Beautiful (because she did so much to make our farm what it is), but lonely. I am reminded of her everywhere I look. This is comfort sometimes, but painful too. The pain and the tears come and go. I see her three or four times a week, usually for lunch, and after lunch we either walk down to the little conservatory to see the plants, or do some little art activity--last week we painted birdhouses, but honestly, she can't really even hold a paintbrush any more without getting paint everywhere--so that activity is now down the drain too. She's falling more often, and restless at this time of year because it's still too cold to go outside. She asks every day when she can come home, although she doesn't know where home is. She just wants to be with me, and still resists care from the MC aides.

As spring comes I have the garden and grandchildren to keep me somewhat busy, but my energy for it is limited. More often than not, after a visit to MC I just come home and go to bed.

I am glad she transitioned so easily, I know you were so worried about it. It's still very, very early days, so do be gentle with yourself. Try not to feel guilty on the days you don't go.

GH, I understand so much where you’re coming from and what you’re feeling. My husband went from the hospital to memory care one month and three days ago. I miss him so much it’s a physical ache. After 56 years of marriage, it hurts so much to go to bed at night without him beside me. I was sick last week and couldn’t visit him. I think I missed him more than he missed me. I couldn’t wait to see him yesterday. He still wants to come home but other than that he seems to be adjusting pretty well. I’m praying that I can adjust also. My heart hurts for all of us on this forum.

Brenda

You have to rest. Surely sleep deprivation has been a big part of your life for years, and it is amazing the toll this takes on your health and your emotions. There is a reason this disease is called the "Long Goodbye". Each day is an emotional balancing act, or a roller coaster. My DH is nearing the end after 6 years and he is home here with me. Your feeling of missing your DW and then discovering moments of relief is how we find our way to acceptance. Try to sleep! Blessings to you and your DW.