sad

irene912

Mom: "I'm Mary. Who are you"

How the heck do you know when to put your Mom who has dementia in assisted living or memory care. I'm struggling here.

M1

So sorry you are struggling Irene. There is no perfect time. If she is not recognizing you, she almost certainly needs MC as opposed to AL (most families wait way too long for AL to be appropriate). If she resists care from you or you otherwise feel overwhelmed, then it is likely time, and there is no shame in needing the help: many folks do better in MC than they would at home. I would encourage you to look at facilities and get an idea of what is available.

irene912

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/200164#Comment_200164

Thanks. I"m dragging my feet. Hard to face putting her in a facility. We are looking at places. We found a couple nice ones. Now a matter of which one & when. Heartbreaking.

M1

Yes it is hard, but I promise you it's not the end of the world. For me to say that takes a lot, as my partner's adjustment (or lack of) has been quite difficult. However, the controlled environment has a lot of upsides that you just can't accomplish at home. And it is the disease that is heartbreaking, truly. As is said here many times, you are doing this FOR her, not TO her.

irene912

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/200267#Comment_200267

I'm sorry your partner is struggling. So sad. And heartbreaking for sure. Thanks for your kind words

Anonymousjpl123

I am glad I put my mom in MC, even though I feel guilty and sad about it every day. Part of me would love to have her at home, but there is so much care she gets there that I couldn’t give. Both medical care and social interaction. I visit a lot. Sometimes it’s heartbreaking, yes, but I also get to focus on our relationship.

I bring her to my home for visits sometimes so she feels that love and connection, and she is almost always ready to go back after just one night.

Trust me, there are some who question why I don’t “just have her at home.” Because our relationship now is mostly good. But much of that is because I can be a loving presence for her, rather than handling her many, many daily needs. That’s one upside, when it’s possible.

The journey of watching a LO’s mind deteriorate is so painful. I have found it to be easier with as much help as possible.

Sbnorton

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/201312#Comment_201312

I'm feeling like I'm not a daughter. All I do is work when I'm at my parents house and no matter how long I stay there there is always more to do. I'm soooo tired.

mommyandme (m&m)

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/201669#Comment_201669

Welcome to this place, so sorry for your struggles! I’m afraid you might feel even more isolated now that you’ve stopped working out of the house. Is it possible to hire in some help for chores; laundry, housework, yard work, etc to start? Do you have POAs for financial and medical? If so, can your parents fund said help? I cared for my mom at home and I wouldn’t have survived without respite help coming in, and that’s for just one patient. Is that a possibility? After bringing my mom to my state it took me about 4 months (too long) to figure out how/when/what I needed. When I finally started getting some help in, it was so therapeutic to get away. I also used an adult day care a couple times a week which was great while it lasted.

I hope you can get some practical support in so you can care for yourself. Where will your parents be if you take a serious downturn. You’re just as important, maybe more so than your parents. Please take good care and keep coming back here for this wonderfully supportive and knowledgeable community’s wisdom. Another life saver for me.