Guilt

NUMber2

I feel so guilty that I don't get along with my mom.

SusanB-dil

Sorry NUMber2. Is this a recent development because she has changed? My mom and I were never close, but that's just us. Unfortunately, I did get along great with MIL... until the dementia. And I feel bad about that part.

M1

No need to feel guilty; you can be sad that you didn't have a different relationship, but guilt doesn't have to be part of it. Not all parents are Ozzie and Harriet. You can take satisfaction in doing right by her (you are) despite the relationship. My own mother was a piece of work, and I consider myself fortunate that both my parents died sudden deaths and didn't require caregiving in their old age.

Emily 123

I'd say you don't get along with your mom's dementia. If you got along 'before' then this is the disease. Plus relationships that may have sailed through vacation visits and phone calls to keep in touch with a showtiming parent are a far cry from the 24/7 vigilance required for caregiving a PWD.

Since there's no thought retention beyond a few moments, many interactions become exhaustively 'wash-rinse-repeat'. Sometimes it's hard to not think that it's deliberate and, though you try hard, it becomes very frustrating, especially when the effects will bleed into the other relationships in your life, increasing your guilt and frustration more.

Neither of you can help what it's doing to her brain. Her empathy, logic, and reasoning are affected, and she's not going to be able to be able to think things through, or appreciate that her care requirements are draining. It makes caregiving very hard when the person you love can't remember the things you've done for them--there's not much positive feedback. It's easy to resent what you have to do when there's little thanks, and of course then you'll feel guilty for that too.

It's also hard to bubble-wrap your parent at first without feeling like you're taking away their freedom, and to feel guilty and/or pressured and resentful about having to make the 'right' decision for them. But left to their own devices they can get into some very bad situations very quickly, and like it or not, you're forced to take over their life. Of all the things that make this hard, I'm most uncomfortable about having to make Mom's decisions for her, and used to take it to heart if she was unhappy with things.. I soon realised that this was really variable from day to day, depending on what assumptions the disease and her memory had her working from. I still find myself second guessing decisions but it helped to realize that her disease means I need to pick safety over contentment, as she'll never be 100% happy because she can't go back to pre-disease and has anosognosia.

harshedbuzz

@NUMber2

No guilt.

I went back and looked at a couple of your previous posts. It's hard to know if your struggle here is the result of a long-standing disconnect in your personalities or if it's more dealing with pain of her changed persona. Or maybe there's a feeling of injustice that you've been called to the task when perhaps she wasn't the parent you needed. Whatever it is, it's OK to feel how you feel and not feel guilty if you don't embrace the role of caregiver joyfully.

HB

NUMber2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/201570#Comment_201570

My mom has always been there for me and I've always been grateful for that. I've expressed that through ongoing support for her over the years. In her opinion, I feel, children are supposed to help their parents. Though I agree with this, I also understand that children are not meant to live their lives for their parents. My mom doesn't understand that. She expects, complains and destroys.

This disease, her age, her personality make having a "relationship" with her even more difficult.

NUMber2

Thank you for easing my guilt with kindness and complete understanding!

It gives me strength to attempt to make today a better day than yesterday. ❤️