Guilt

Sorry NUMber2. Is this a recent development because she has changed? My mom and I were never close, but that's just us. Unfortunately, I did get along great with MIL... until the dementia. And I feel bad about that part.

I'd say you don't get along with your mom's dementia. If you got along 'before' then this is the disease. Plus relationships that may have sailed through vacation visits and phone calls to keep in touch with a showtiming parent are a far cry from the 24/7 vigilance required for caregiving a PWD.

Since there's no thought retention beyond a few moments, many interactions become exhaustively 'wash-rinse-repeat'. Sometimes it's hard to not think that it's deliberate and, though you try hard, it becomes very frustrating, especially when the effects will bleed into the other relationships in your life, increasing your guilt and frustration more.

Neither of you can help what it's doing to her brain. Her empathy, logic, and reasoning are affected, and she's not going to be able to be able to think things through, or appreciate that her care requirements are draining. It makes caregiving very hard when the person you love can't remember the things you've done for them--there's not much positive feedback. It's easy to resent what you have to do when there's little thanks, and of course then you'll feel guilty for that too.

It's also hard to bubble-wrap your parent at first without feeling like you're taking away their freedom, and to feel guilty and/or pressured and resentful about having to make the 'right' decision for them. But left to their own devices they can get into some very bad situations very quickly, and like it or not, you're forced to take over their life. Of all the things that make this hard, I'm most uncomfortable about having to make Mom's decisions for her, and used to take it to heart if she was unhappy with things.. I soon realised that this was really variable from day to day, depending on what assumptions the disease and her memory had her working from. I still find myself second guessing decisions but it helped to realize that her disease means I need to pick safety over contentment, as she'll never be 100% happy because she can't go back to pre-disease and has anosognosia.