DH placed this week-ups and downs

clarinetist

My DH went to memory care on Monday-my daughter and I brought him in. He was fairly confused about what was happening when we left, but seemed okay. Monday night the memory care staff called me, and said he was agitated and had barricaded the door to the kitchen. I got on the phone with him and was able to calm him down. They gave him a low dose of Seroquel too (he has an as-needed prescription), and that helped.

He hasn’t been agitated since then, but has crying spells (which he also had at home) because he misses me and is so disoriented. I visit daily and my daughter visits as often as her work schedule allows, and every time he sees us he bursts into tears. I asked the staff if our presence was triggering for him, but they thought the visits were helpful.

On Thursday my DH was not only weepy, but very delusional (again, behavior that happened at home too). He thought he had killed his whole family. I think when he gets so anxious he tries to find a reason for that anxiety and decides he must have done something wrong. I was able to reassure him, but talked to the nurse about upping his medications. Luckily his Geri-psych also works at his facility.

Though he has his down times, he also has good times too. He loves the food and many of the activities.

I have been impressed with the way the staff at his memory care handle him. They don’t mind if he shadows them, and give him little things to do so he feels useful. They are masters at distraction. The facility has a low-key, calm atmosphere-nothing is ever rushed. If a resident doesn’t want to do something, they don’t insist, but wait and ask again later. I wish I could have been more like them when my DH was home.

I miss my husband and don’t like to think of him being unhappy. But if I’m honest, he wasn’t happy all the time at home either. After caregiving at home for six years, I was tired. Though I still worry about him, I feel much more relaxed, like I’ve passed the baton to the memory care staff.

So overall it’s been up and down. I’m going to stay the course. The memory care staff thinks it will take a month or so for him to settle in, and I’ll continue my daily visits and hope for the best.

This was a long post! But I wanted to provide another perspective on the experience of placing a loved one in memory care.

JeriLynn66

It sounds as though it is going fairly well so far. Hoping you can get some rest and restoration.

storycrafter

Clarinetist, it's a big/huge adjustment. The things you describe are helpful for me to hear and helps prepare me for the future. The facility staff sound like they are experienced and supportive in handling whatever comes up. It'll take time and adjustment, yet they are patient and tolerant as they need to be. I hope you can relax into the new arrangements as you make your own immense adjustment to the changing siutation.

By the way, I was a clarinetist through my college days and beyond. They are fond memories. I met my husband long ago when we were in 7th grade band class.

Thanks again for sharing your experience and describing your dh's mc experience so far.

Hugs and best wishes.

SSHarkey

If/when the time comes I must place my DH, I hope I have access to a facility like that! At least to good caring people!

Jgirl57

Thank you for sharing your experience so far. I hope things continue to settle down .

Ed1937

It sounds a though you have a great facility for him. Count your blessings. Not every facility has staff that really cares about the individuals.

It also sounds as if his "down times" are not something new. If they are a little more pronounced now, that could be part of becoming used to his new way of life. And with a geri-psych available, I don't think you can ask for anything more. It's good to hear about the positives.

ghphotog

Your spouse sounds a lot like mine in many ways. I placed her a little less than a month ago and I miss her very much. My heart breaks for her every night when I'm alone. She's all I think about. Many times I'm conflicted about visiting her. I want to but I don't know what to do when I'm there so I usually take her out for a while. She also looks confused and sad when I say I have to leave but she excepts it with grace. She always cries when she sees me and tells me she thought she would never see me again. My heart breaks when I think about her emotional state when she wakes up in the morning, very emotional, crying, sobbing, calling out my name. It's almost too much to bear. Between her and my mother, who also is in MC with moderate dementia but no where near as severe as my DW, I feel guilty all of the time thinking about them but conflicted because I still need time alone to recoup after years of being the only caregiver for both of them. Sometimes I don't know what is harder, seeing her in MC or being the caregiver.

I'll find my way I hope but I will never be the same.