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Dealing with Grief of Loss and Alzheimer's Madness

Denise1847
Denise1847 Member Posts: 859
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Dear Forum Friends,

I have been checking in but haven't participated much since the loss of my best fury friend of 14 years. It was just the last straw for me, and I continue to be filled with grief. I decided to commit my feelings to writing in hopes that it might purged some of my pain. I share this in hopes that it will help others who have expressed grief and sorrow in their journeys to know they are not alone. Please forgive me for such a long post. Thank you all so much for all of your support.

It is March 13, 2024 at 5:23 am. I have been awake since 3:30 am. I am unable to sleep and I continue to cry due to the tremendous pain I feel over losing my best friend and furbaby, Kayce. Losing her has plummeted me into a pit of darkness and hopelessness worse than the pandemic. I cannot stop crying. She gave me so much love and companionship, and now I am so empty without her. It has been a month yesterday since I lost her. I still have flashbacks constantly about the day she died, the sequence of events leading up to her death and cannot believe how quickly something you love so much can be taken from you, especially at a time when you need her the most.

Some would think me silly but they do not live in a loveless marriage with a man unable to give love and affection for 51 years. They do not live with Alzheimer’s destroying your husband every day. Watching a person deteriorate to someone whose face and eyes have become almost catatonic and gravely sad. They do not live with a monotonous daily routine that is slowly robbing me of my sanity, hope and peace. They do not live with hopelessness that it will ever get better, the fear of what will happen next and how you will manage. 

People say I am strong, but I am crumbling inside. My only strength is my faith in God. When you come to a place in your life where you recognize that you have no control over anything, you become broken and disabled. I now realize how dependent I was on the material world to make me happy and how these things only provided momentary joy, not the peace I long for. I now appreciate the depths of pain and sorrow that others have and are feeling about loss and struggles. I truly have remorse for not being more of a comfort to them. I guess those are my silver linings.

This state of mind feels like I am in a deep dark pit. I am at the bottom and I am unable to get out. I just peer up into the darkness and feel that this state is permanent as it doesn’t get better. It just seems to get worse and darker. I continuously pray for deliverance from this pit, even if it is God’s plan for me to be part of the 20% of caregivers who die from Alzheimer’s caregiving. I just pray it will end – either pull me out of this pit to a life that holds hope and peace or take me to be with the Lord. 

I want to tell my family and friends who support me how much they help me get through the day with their kind words, calls and empathy. I know that they are God’s way of gently showing me He is here. I am so very grateful for my dear sister, Marge, who listens to my complaints and crying. She sits by my side quietly while I cry, she sits by my side and helps be strong as I say goodbye to my best friend. I am beyond grateful for her. I do not know how I would endure this pain without her. I worry that she is absorbing my sadness and I don’t know what to do. I try not to make her feel badly with my situation. 

I thank God for my sister Linda, who has comforted me and held me on many occasions. She knows the right prayers and words to say. She has lived the Alzheimer’s life and knows the fears and hopelessness of being frozen in a delusional world without any escape.

As I write this, I feel selfish and self-absorbed by my words for I know there are so many people who are suffering from war, famine, homelessness, cruelty, pain etc. I am warm.  I have a wonderful home and family.  I have been blessed beyond measure. Yet I cannot seem to just focus on my blessings. I continue to pray, to hope and to try with all of my strength to appreciate the simple things that can bring joy so that I can see through the darkness for a little while in hopes that it will sustain me for another day.  

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Comments

  • charley0419
    charley0419 Member Posts: 381
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    Hope that made you feel better, nicely said

  • harshedbuzz
    harshedbuzz Member Posts: 4,550
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    @Denise1847

    I am so sorry. It sounds like Kayce was an amazing companion for you in this miserable stage of your life. I am sorry for that very real loss.

    You are in a terrible situation and hurting-- that is real. There is a lot of suffering in this world, but it isn't a race to the bottom-- your current situation is a painful place to be, and I am sorry you are still there.

    HB

  • mrahope
    mrahope Member Posts: 538
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    I am so, so sorry to hear of the dark place you're in right now. Please don't beat yourself up for being sad. It's OK. Animals can be such a source of comfort and when the time comes you may be able to love another one again. Fortunately, they can return your love and caring, unlike your DH at this point. If you have to take it hour by hour, do that. Sometimes life sucks...

  • Denise1847
    Denise1847 Member Posts: 859
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    Thank you so much. I realize I am clinically depressed and am currently taking Wellbutrin. It was helping for awhile but obviously not now. I see my doctor on Monday and will talk to him about this. I never understood or appreciated the suffering of people with depression and other mental health issues. This experience has opened my eyes.

  • Denise1847
    Denise1847 Member Posts: 859
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    Thank you. I believe you are right. I see my medical doctor on Monday and will tell him what is going on. I will ask him for a recommendation of a counselor. I went to a therapist 2 years ago and I didn't get much out of it. She gave me the space to vent and express my feelings, but it didn't help me. I read about PTSD and also how caregivers are prone to heart issues. About 8 months ago, I started having all kinds of physical systems from chest pain, breast pain, stomach issues and headaches. My wonderful doctor explored them all - nothing is physically wrong with me. What an embarrassment!

    Gosh Housefinch, I am so sorry that you have suffered for decades. Thank God you got through and are able to share your experience. I will hold on to the hope of feeling better as you expressed. God bless you.

  • housefinch
    housefinch Member Posts: 415
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    @Denise1847 please don’t feel embarrassed for seeking medical care for those symptoms. As a physician, I know we do patients a disservice by making them feel guilty or silly if “we can’t find anything” on a test to explain their symptoms. You have endured very difficult circumstances from what you’ve described. Anyone would eventually feel physically crummy if they are in constant crisis management mode. Sending you strength and best wishes for whatever you find helps you feel better

  • WIGO23
    WIGO23 Member Posts: 128
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    Just to share a bit further—over time I have been on three different anti-depressants (with dosing adjustments) because I built up resistance and they stopped working.

    Lexapro worked the longest and had no side effects for me. Cognitive Behavior Therapy is another tool that helped immensely. Your journey is different but my point is, don’t quit. You deserve being the healthiest you can be. So glad to hear you are under a doctor’s care.

    All good thoughts coming your way with a cyber hug thrown in!

  • l7pla1w2
    l7pla1w2 Member Posts: 177
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    @Denise1847

    It's crushing to have your fur-baby die on top of everything else. I've been there, and it was the saddest day of my life, I think, even worse than when my parents died. It took DW and me months to get over it.

    I just discovered a set of robotic pets on alzstore.com:

    <https://www.alzstore.com/doll-pet-therapy-dementia-s/1516.htm>

    They're not the same thing as a live pet, but on the other hand, maybe they can provide some comfort, without the need to care for one.

    Wishing you strength.... Your pain is real, it's yours, and there's no need to compare it to anyone else's.

  • Denise1847
    Denise1847 Member Posts: 859
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    Thank you for your kind words. It is so comforting to know others understand because they have also experienced the depth of the sorrow that the loss of a pet brings. You are right. I lost my mom and my sister and did not have near the grief. I read about how pets give you such unconditional love and form a strong bond that is inexplainable. I actually bought that dementia dog for my DH hoping it would comfort him. He didn't want it so I sent it back. It wasn't soft and cuddly. He used to hold our dog like a baby and would rub her belly. She loved it. He still asks where she is every once in awhile and, of course, that prompts me to cry. I am looking into adopting a puppy mill momma. Some of the poor dogs spend their lives in cages just producing one liter after another. I think that the dog will actually be rescuing me.

  • l7pla1w2
    l7pla1w2 Member Posts: 177
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    I am looking into adopting a puppy mill momma.

    Other choices in a similar vein are adopting from a shelter, or adopting from a breed-specific rescue group that often needs to re-home older dogs. Fortunately, you already know the pluses and minuses of having a dog. Good luck!

  • Denise1847
    Denise1847 Member Posts: 859
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    Thank you so much for sharing. I know I could feel better if I could just escape this Alzheimer's madness and the monotony of the days slowly ticking by without any end in sight. This disease tortures the patients and their caregivers. Thank you for your cyber hug. May you continue to have joy and peace.

  • Dogsaremylife
    Dogsaremylife Member Posts: 46
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    Kayce is beautiful and you can see in her eyes the depth of her soul. You will always have this love and importantly the lessons she taught you. She showed you the depth and power of love, she gave you what you so deeply deserved and needed, and I have to believe that somehow, she is still guiding and teaching you from her place of peace. The emotional and spiritual treacheries of Alzheimer's burn to the soul, and to have an animal in your life, to me, is a critical safeguard to keeping us on the path toward believing that this life will always offer sources of hope. How exciting, and what a great distraction, to adopt a baby who has suffered and would be forever grateful to you for your love. I have heard over and over again that dogs who have been rescued return that favor a million times over. You have been given the gift of seeing that dogs are a sacred source of profound love, and I truly hope you take that baby into your life soon. I bet Kayce would approve. Please keep in touch. I have found few people who relate to dogs as I do, and I cherish knowing that there is a kindred soul out there. Please send a photo if you chose to move forward in your adoption. Blessings to you.

  • GiGi1963
    GiGi1963 Member Posts: 111
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    Denise, this is Gigi my shelter rescue. She has saved me from despair since May when I got her. Her love and devotion is everything to me. She has love for my husband and misses him since the move to MC. I took a chance on getting a dog and I am rewarded every day. Please move forward with rescue. Hugs.

  • Denise1847
    Denise1847 Member Posts: 859
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    Dear Dogsaremylife,

    Gigi is precious. Last night I found a beautiful little girl (puppy mill mama for 5 years). She is only 8 lbs. I am going to meet her tomorrow. If I get her, I will call her Gracie as in God's grace because I think he sent her to me to rescue her and I. I am attaching a picture - she looks alot like Gigi only a miniature.


  • SSHarkey
    SSHarkey Member Posts: 298
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    Oh my goodness!!! She’s adorable! How did it go with her today?

  • jfkoc
    jfkoc Member Posts: 3,920
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    Thinking of you today....

  • GiGi1963
    GiGi1963 Member Posts: 111
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    Denise, Gracie is perfect. My Gigi was 8 lbs when I got her too. I know that little bundle of fur will save you. I've been there. Hugs and keep in touch.

  • Denise1847
    Denise1847 Member Posts: 859
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    Thank you everyone. We adopted Gracie yesterday and brought her home. She is a delight and warms my soul. She is very reserved and is just like a puppy in having to learn everything since she probably lived in a cage for 5 years. She is very thin and needs to gain weight and is missing several teeth as they don't take care of any dental needs. I will take her to the vet this week and I pray to God she is healthy as one never knows given the neglect she has suffered.

    Her eyes reflect brokenness, and I am determined to show her a wonderful life and wipe away her sadness. She is so sweet. She is exactly what I need to help both she and I to heal.

  • M1
    M1 Member Posts: 6,788
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    good outcome for both of you, I'm glad.

  • housefinch
    housefinch Member Posts: 415
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    You have a lot of love to give her, and I bet she’ll thrive with it 💕

  • SSHarkey
    SSHarkey Member Posts: 298
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    im so glad you got her! She will blossom under your care!

  • GiGi1963
    GiGi1963 Member Posts: 111
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    So happy that Gracie has someone to love and care for her. She will return all the love to you. Finding her is just what you need.

  • Denise1847
    Denise1847 Member Posts: 859
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    The sequel to Gracie's adoption is that we had to admit her to a 24-hour emergency animal hospital since yesterday and hopefully she will come home tomorrow. The poor baby had diarrhea since she came home and then became severely dehydrated. Her colon and the internal area where she was spayed shows severe inflammation. The vet said that she would not have survived much longer had we not brought her in. She has severe dental disease with loose and missing teeth, which we will take care of once she has recovered from her hospitalization. She also has infections in both ears and a grade 2 heart murmur. I really wasn't surprised by the heart murmur and dental issues because puppy mills don't medically treat the dogs. I am so glad I adopted her when I did as we have been able to help her get well and to enjoy being a dog.

    She is such a sweet dog, wanting to please and was following me everywhere, watching me in the kitchen and snuggling next to me at night.

  • GiGi1963
    GiGi1963 Member Posts: 111
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    Poor little Gracie. So glad you got her in time. She deserves love and I am happy she is snuggling with you already. Hugs and let us know how you are both doing.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more