I bought a house. I wish I could feel happy and excited about it.

White Crane

But I don't. I'm spending our life savings in the Medicaid spend down. It's a nice house and in a nice neighborhood. All my memories are here in this house though. And I miss my husband so much! He has been in memory care for two months and I still feel like I am dying from grief. It hit me today that I am going to have to clean out his closet and chest of drawers before moving. Whenever the thought hit me, I kept telling myself not to think about it. It's too painful to think about. It feels like I am leaving him behind. The grief is so painful that sometimes I just sit on the floor and cry. It hurts.

Brenda

Denise1847

Brenda, I wish I could give you a hug and take away your pain. Please talk to a grief counselor and your support system as grief is so debilitating and you don't deserve that. Could you get a friend or relative to empty the closets? It may be of great help. It is very difficult to pull one's self out of the grief and depression. We need help to get through these difficult times. Please reach out and vent (even if it is to your forum friends).

M1

Brenda, I wish I could tell you it gets easier but that has not been my experience. Just know that there are many of us here who understand, completely. I don’t know how you put one foot in front of the other. This has been one of those days, for me, with much to do but nothing accomplished.

i am glad for you about the house, truly.

Dio

I, too, feel your pain. I'm going through it everyday. I've stayed away from this site for awhile because I couldn't control my emotions, mainly depression, reading everyone's hardships. I'm coming out of the depression now so hopefully I can help contribute again...until the next shoe drops.

Nowhere

Brenda,

I relate only too well, and identify with your feelings of grief. I’ve sold, packed, and moved twice since purchasing the same number of new houses after admitting my husband into memory care. (Four times moving since he was first diagnosed seventeen years ago). I am often alone and lonely and the house is too quiet no matter how lovely or beautiful. It does not feel like “home” any longer.

When I reflect back to the months prior to placing my husband, that home was no longer a sheltering comfort. It had became too difficult to reside in with the advancement of a paranoid and delusional middle stages, dementia. I didn’t want to remain in that house as it was crowded with memories of the difficult middle stages. Moving closer to my daughter and her family was/is a bright side. I’m also within driving distance now of two of my siblings and dear old friends. And that’s nice, too. Three and a half years post placement, I accept that my house is just a house, and not a “home” . I think with time and eventually accepting, the debilitating grief you describe losing “home” has left.

I hope you discover a bright side to your move to help you through the grief it presents.

FTDCaregiver1

Echo the rest whole heartedly. Had to spend down some years back, reinvest in huge remodel of the home, better we get some benefit out of it than Medicaid. We feel the pain, you're not alone and huge hugs from far away.

Joydean

Brenda, you don’t have to get rid of his clothes right away. Why not get some containers and put his clothes in them and take them to your new house! My husband was not able to wear his “regular clothes “ for the past year, I was using sweat pants for him because they were warm and no way could I zip and unzip bluejeans fast enough to get them down before an accident. Nor would pull-ups fit under them. Even then I could not get rid of his clothes. He’s been gone a week tomorrow and I still will not do anything about his clothes. I feel comfort having them in the closet. Don’t feel you have to make such a huge decision before you are ready. My heart goes out to you!

SSHarkey

Brenda, I do a lot of grief counseling. Joydean is on target. Do not get rid of his things until you’re ready. By going through them at your pace, it allows you to sift through memories, both good and bad. You need time to process all of this. And it’s not while in the middle of this disease chaos. It will be after he’s gone, when things slow way down, and you are ready to open that door. Until then, put them somewhere, wherever you need them to be. In a closet, a container, whatever is best for you. Grief takes time. And needs to be worked through at an individual pace.

ButterflyWings

Dear friend, Thinking of you. I am so sorry for the pain and grief you are feeling so deeply now. I think the way I am trying to think about it is that we are going through it, not stuck forever but progressing, just like our LOs disease progresses.

It hurts but we are moving forward. Slowly but surely. Such excellent suggestions and supportive comments received here from those who know. Keep breathing, and those tears can be cleansing I have found. Grieving, and healing -- at your own pace, you/I/we all will get through this.

JeriLynn66

I'm so sorry. Take your time. Cry. Rage. Do whatever you have to do to get thru this. Come here, tell us about it. Let us help you bear the burden and get to the other side of this. Take your time.

ImMaggieMae

Brenda, I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain over moving. I’m sure most of us can relate. Why not bring some of his clothes along to your new home? Or bring the ones he usually wore? Most people have a lot of clothes they seldom wear. I can’t imagine ever getting rid of a lot of my DH’s clothes when he passes. I will probably keep the ones that he usually wore a lot with me forever. To me, they are a small part of him. However there are a lot that he rarely wore that mean nothing to me and those I’ll donate or give away. The sweat pants and shorts that he wears now for easy changing with incontinence will be the first to go.

Joe C.

Brenda, I can certainly relate to your pain. DW has been in memory care for 28 months now and although I have been able to donate some of her clothes, there are still some I haven’t parted with. I have taken my time at this process, categorizing by what she could possibly use in the future and what she will never wear again, then part with the latter. Clothing that I kept in the beginning later fell into the Never use again category as she lost weight or as I got honest about was practical for her now. There are some things that I just can’t bear to part with because she used them daily, like her bathrobe and hairbrush. I know you’re more under the gun as you prepare for your move but just don’t overwhelm yourself. Like other has stated you can take some of his things with you to your new home.

M1

Despite spending most of her working hours in Carhardts and tank tops, my partner cleaned up into a stunning woman. I have a closet full of gorgeous clothes including multiple expensive pairs of Texas boots, belts, and Western shirts that she will never wear again. But i can't bring myself to touch them.

CindyBum

I am so sorry, Brenda. I know when those days come for me and my DW, I will be nothing but a puddle on the floor.

We are all thinking of you and praying for some light and peace for you.

Nancy Lipari

My heart goes out to all of us engaged in this process. It is not an easy journey. I learned this when I was a caregiver for 4 years for my father who had dementia. Earlier I had also cared for my fiancée who had a couple of years fighting cancer before he passed. As partners, we adjust to their new medications and challenging behavior, catch a deep breath, and then something shifts and we need to add another level of care. I wore his wristwatch for over a year to help soothe myself. There is no hurry, every grief has its own rhythm. We need to be gentle with ourselves.

Now I am experiencing some early-stage symptoms myself and researching treatments. It feels overwhelming and depressing. I know, I need to take only one step at a time... and surrender to the situation with grace. It is not an easy path.

I live in the outskirts of St Louis, Missouri, and have been married for the past 13 years. DH is also showing signs of ALZ and is argumentative and sometimes difficult to deal with. Any tips are appreciated.

Jeanne C.

Brenda, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now. You have been a rock for me in the past and I truly wish there was something I could do to help you. I'd send you peace and comfort if I had a way to box it up. Or I'd make you some homemade Italian wedding soup.

@Nancy Lipari wow, that's a lot for you and your husband to deal with. We've been collecting helpful information in a new caregiver group (though it sounds like you're experienced at this). Definitely keep posting (I recommend starting a new post so more people will see it. Welcome to the forum.

northernlady

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203133#Comment_203133

Nancy, I live in Columbia. Caring for my darling husband. We are just beginning this journey. I thought he was being his peculiar sweet self, turns out he has moderate cognitive decline and I am learning everyday how to keep him safe, clean, and healthy.

Sending you best wishes from a fellow Missourian. ❤️

White Crane

Dear Forum Friends, thank you for all the support and help. And thank you for pointing out that I do not have to get rid of all DH's clothes or even some of them until I am ready. When they need to be boxed up for the move, I will ask someone else to do it. The grief is hard. And when it hits it's doubly hard. In between, I am functioning ...maybe not 100%...but trying to put one foot in front of the other.