Driving/anger

CA05

First time posting . Our mom is in AL with dementia that they feel is Alz since last fall as a result of living alone for past 2 years since dad passed. She has very frequent utis and delusions. The car and home were sold legally ( POA) . My mom has always been a bit sassy but the anger since we told her the car was sold is another level. We tried to tell little fibs at first to hold off the torture of telling her . The fibs didn’t get us far so we wound up being truthful , reminding her that we have a drs note stating that her physician is not ok with her driving anymore . She gets mad, blames my brother and I and won’t speak to us for a couple weeks . After that she asks again , every few wks “ where’s my car” and we cycle back all over again . She has moments of apology for her outbursts which is interesting to me that she recalls the inappropriate things she says to us , yet forgets that we sold her car. She’s called the police on us and adult protective services for selling her car . I guess after this long post my question is , do we keep telling her the car is sold ? I hate to keep breaking her heart but I also feel that the fibs weren’t helping either . She’s so frustrated for losing all her control and I do not know how to help her . Thank you for taking the time to read this .

Quilting brings calm

First- living alone didn’t cause her dementia(you referred to it as the result of living alone). Living alone might have made it more obvious that she has dementia because her spouse wasn’t there to cover for her.

As to the car, I’d go back to fibbing about it. It’s being stored some distance away - you can get it when the doctor and the state say you can drive again. Then change the subject - or even change the subject instead of answering the question.

H1235

Which causes the least amount of anger, Telling her the car is sold or the fiblet? That’s you answer. But I understand it may be hard to tell. I often feel no matter what I do mom will be angry. It’s hard to accept, but I’m trying. If she forgets every time maybe try different fiblits til you come across one she buys into. Have you talked with her doctor about medication. The anger is so difficult! Know you re not alone.

SusanB-dil

Hi CA05 - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Please try, "the car is at the mechanic and a part needed is on backorder" if it turns out she wants to see it, you would need to say 'maybe later'. Hope this works.

To argue or try to reason with someone with dementia will only get both you and her aggravated.

Emily 123

Hi CA05,

I agree with others. A parent's losses in the early stages will create challenges, especially since their inability to store memories probably goes back further than realized, and means that there's a big gap for them to fill when they try to figure out what's going on each day.

You're spot on about her being angry and feeling out of control…To her, she may not recall why she's in an AL with her car gone, and when she asks about it here comes the kids with a letter from her doctor, from a visit she probably doesn't remember, telling her that the car was sold without (she thinks) her permission.

A fib may at least let her feel like she still has some control and connection to her independent 'adult' life. A PWD can hang on to a strong emotion even after they forget what caused it. You don't want her to continually assosciate you with these negative emotions. Go ahead and try the fibs, it may be that you'll need to find one that resonates with her.

anotherday2

> @CA05 said:
> First time posting . Our mom is in AL with dementia that they feel is Alz since last fall as a result of living alone for past 2 years since dad passed. She has very frequent utis and delusions. The car and home were sold legally ( POA) . My mom has always been a bit sassy but the anger since we told her the car was sold is another level. We tried to tell little fibs at first to hold off the torture of telling her . The fibs didn’t get us far so we wound up being truthful , reminding her that we have a drs note stating that her physician is not ok with her driving anymore . She gets mad, blames my brother and I and won’t speak to us for a couple weeks . After that she asks again , every few wks “ where’s my car” and we cycle back all over again . She has moments of apology for her outbursts which is interesting to me that she recalls the inappropriate things she says to us , yet forgets that we sold her car. She’s called the police on us and adult protective services for selling her car . I guess after this long post my question is , do we keep telling her the car is sold ? I hate to keep breaking her heart but I also feel that the fibs weren’t helping either . She’s so frustrated for losing all her control and I do not know how to help her . Thank you for taking the time to read this .

anotherday2

CA05 so sorry to hear you are going through this. Had a very similar situation with my Mum who had Alzheimer’s. We are taught not to lie but with someone who had this disease I found that fibs or lies were far better than trying to tell her the truth and then expecting her to rationalize the situation.
Over the years she called CPS on me and on numerous occasions called the police to say that I was stealing from her or abusing her physically, this included the theft of the car. I was angry, frustrated, embarrassed and so hurt and whilst you know it is the disease I found it so hard to deal with. Now she has passed I wish that I had dealt with this better as in truth although my Mum died two weeks ago I lost her a long time ago.

M1

I wouldn't remind her of the sale at all, it's reinflicting the same wound over and over. If she asks, just say it's outside or in the shop waiting on a part. She wants to go look, say you will after lunch (or whatever). Took me a long time to realize i could say whatever and my partner doesn't have the wherewithal to distinguish truth from fiction. I always tell her I'll see her tomorrow and she doesn't know the difference between daily visits or every other day.

CA05

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/204136#Comment_204136

thank you for your insight! I’m so sorry about your mom. I’m constantly researching and trying to find the correct approach. My mom is just very angry all the time . Heartbreaking to see her like this.

Emily 123

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/204348#Comment_204348

CA05, have you talked to her healthcare provider to see if they could prescribe something? It can't be comfortable for her to be so angry and so agitated. I don't blame her, but there may be something that could help her feel less agitated.

4MomLJ

Hello,

I am new here. We took my mother's car away at the Drs recommendation as well. She was livid for months and told everyone about it. Despite her anger and complaints, we did what we believed was best for her. It hurt seeing her upset but, it took a lot of weight off our shoulders knowing she wasn't driving around getting lost. Watching your LO go through this disease makes you make hard decisions about caring for them, but you have to trust it's for the best. Good Luck!!

Jackie_K

Hi @CA05 - like others on this thread, our family also had to deal with taking mom's car away and the associated anger that came along with it. She was pretty fixated on it for a good 8 months (and the anger was either targeted at me or her doctor) but recently seems to be relieved that she doesn't have to drive anymore. Hopefully your mom will eventually get there too, or just forget about it altogether.

My mom also goes through the same patterns of horrible outbursts, followed by apologizing. Sometimes the outbursts are quick, and sometimes the anger goes on for weeks at a time. The neurologist recently put us in touch with psych to try to get her on some mood stabilizers. I would definitely suggest asking about that.

As for lying vs. telling the truth - I also agree that lying is best here; your mom's brain just isn't capable of logic anymore so it's just going to create more aggravation for you in the end to try to reason with her. I will admit that I will lose my patience every so often (it can get SO hard after the 568th round of having the SAME EXACT conversation, especially when you're getting screamed at!) - but be patient with yourself in those moments and know that you are doing the right thing for your mom. Good luck!

CaliforniaGirl-1

My LO stayed resentful for quite a while when we put a steering wheel lock on the car. But eventually the car was gone and she got over it.

Now when she talks about it we remind her she decided to donate it. We don't go through the whole, license suspended, not allowed to drive.