Driving/anger

First- living alone didn’t cause her dementia(you referred to it as the result of living alone). Living alone might have made it more obvious that she has dementia because her spouse wasn’t there to cover for her.

As to the car, I’d go back to fibbing about it. It’s being stored some distance away - you can get it when the doctor and the state say you can drive again. Then change the subject - or even change the subject instead of answering the question.

Hi CA05 - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Please try, "the car is at the mechanic and a part needed is on backorder" if it turns out she wants to see it, you would need to say 'maybe later'. Hope this works.

To argue or try to reason with someone with dementia will only get both you and her aggravated.

> @CA05 said:
> First time posting . Our mom is in AL with dementia that they feel is Alz since last fall as a result of living alone for past 2 years since dad passed. She has very frequent utis and delusions. The car and home were sold legally ( POA) . My mom has always been a bit sassy but the anger since we told her the car was sold is another level. We tried to tell little fibs at first to hold off the torture of telling her . The fibs didn’t get us far so we wound up being truthful , reminding her that we have a drs note stating that her physician is not ok with her driving anymore . She gets mad, blames my brother and I and won’t speak to us for a couple weeks . After that she asks again , every few wks “ where’s my car” and we cycle back all over again . She has moments of apology for her outbursts which is interesting to me that she recalls the inappropriate things she says to us , yet forgets that we sold her car. She’s called the police on us and adult protective services for selling her car . I guess after this long post my question is , do we keep telling her the car is sold ? I hate to keep breaking her heart but I also feel that the fibs weren’t helping either . She’s so frustrated for losing all her control and I do not know how to help her . Thank you for taking the time to read this .

I wouldn't remind her of the sale at all, it's reinflicting the same wound over and over. If she asks, just say it's outside or in the shop waiting on a part. She wants to go look, say you will after lunch (or whatever). Took me a long time to realize i could say whatever and my partner doesn't have the wherewithal to distinguish truth from fiction. I always tell her I'll see her tomorrow and she doesn't know the difference between daily visits or every other day.

CA05, have you talked to her healthcare provider to see if they could prescribe something? It can't be comfortable for her to be so angry and so agitated. I don't blame her, but there may be something that could help her feel less agitated.

Hi @CA05 - like others on this thread, our family also had to deal with taking mom's car away and the associated anger that came along with it. She was pretty fixated on it for a good 8 months (and the anger was either targeted at me or her doctor) but recently seems to be relieved that she doesn't have to drive anymore. Hopefully your mom will eventually get there too, or just forget about it altogether.

My mom also goes through the same patterns of horrible outbursts, followed by apologizing. Sometimes the outbursts are quick, and sometimes the anger goes on for weeks at a time. The neurologist recently put us in touch with psych to try to get her on some mood stabilizers. I would definitely suggest asking about that.

As for lying vs. telling the truth - I also agree that lying is best here; your mom's brain just isn't capable of logic anymore so it's just going to create more aggravation for you in the end to try to reason with her. I will admit that I will lose my patience every so often (it can get SO hard after the 568th round of having the SAME EXACT conversation, especially when you're getting screamed at!) - but be patient with yourself in those moments and know that you are doing the right thing for your mom. Good luck!