Conflicting Memories

wose

I’ve just been lurking for awhile now on this site. It’s been pretty rough lately with anger at me and a clear progression of the disease. I’ve been following everyone’s advise and I’m trying my hardest to agree, accommodate and ignore all the negativity, but my oh my is it hard to do. I probably should have cancelled our eclipse trip, but here we are in Niagara On The Lake, in a stunning B&B right on the water(5star all the way) and all we can do is fight. I so much want to have some Good lasting memories, but it’s not possible. I just want my DH to be happy and enjoy whatever time we have left. He is settled now on our huge deck looking out at Fort Niagara all bundled up in blankets. He looks content albeit cold. Tomorrow we move to a hotel that overlooks both of the falls for two nights and then back home. I know now that this could be our last trip because the agitation is too much and I really want to make it special. Any sage advice? On a high note, I was cleaning his bedroom the other day and I kept finding money taped to the bottom on everything. Books, rugs, under doilies—all in all $2470.00. Here I am scrimping and watching our pennies, don’t know for how long or how it got past me for so long. Funny stuff huh? Thanks for listening.
Rose

concerned_sister

Rose, I'm sorry it's not going as you hoped, but kudos from me for your hard work and good intentions. May there be good moments, even if they're not all good moments.

Is this your first time to the falls?

jsps139_

How sad. I guess you’re right about it being the last trip. I think they just do so much better with a regular routine when they reach a certain point in this awful disease. That routine can drive us a little crazy though at times.
But, at least you tried. I’m so sorry that all your effort ended with agitation and fighting. Hopefully it will be more enjoyable the next few days. We never know what to expect, do we?

upstateAnn

Enjoy what you can. I have said no more trips because I think it would hurt to take my husband out of his routine.

M1

A hard lesson and I'm sorry. I've been thinking about you, glad you posted. Please be careful, im still concerned about his degree of aggression towards you. I hope you've communicated it to his docs.

trottingalong

I’ve been thinking about you as well. Even though I won’t risk taking my DH out of his safe place here at home, I commend you for at least trying. Even though parts may be difficult, I hope you find moments in time that you can treasure from the getaway. Sometimes it’s just the little things.

mrahope

I, too, have been wondering how you've been getting along. Sadly, even if both partners are doing well, vacations aren't always perfect. Do remember that, and try not to be hard on yourself about it. You can provide/open up an experience to another person, but they have to be willing to engage with it. Take what you can of joy for yourself.

Also, this reinforces me in my position of not wanting to take my angry/aggressive DH on the trips that he wants to go on. Almost daily he begs to go to Hawaii (we live in the Eastern time zone) or to SE Asia (his homeland). Not only would his negativity be more apt to come up if travel were delayed or troublesome, but I would have no one to call (e.g. family) if he went off the rails. Sad, because we made many enjoyable trips to both destinations over the years.

sandwichone123

The last trip dh and I took was a cruise that had been delayed two years by the pandemic. He had a good time. My take was that it was more like caregiving than like a vacation, but have better memories of it now than I did at the time.

Denise1847

I am so sorry Wose. We went on a cruise 2 years ago to celebrate our 50th anniversary. I had the same intention - making good memories and making the most of his time he has left. However, I came to realize that his good time was more about being at home, comfortable and in his element. I was stressed because he wouldn't cooperate with me in crowds and seemed miserable because of his confusion. It was difficult for me to face that we would never travel again, but I have come to be grateful for the good times we had and now we have to just downsize our "good times" in ways that he can handle and appreciate. It was wonderful that you have taken such great efforts for your loved one.

Judy.T.

Just try to remember to celebrate the smallest of triumphs. Remember to breath! Take 3 large breaths every hour. This sounds dumb but it has really helped me have patience with DH and deal with him better.

Also, I have to start cleaning more. LOL I doubt there is any money, I would be happy to find his shoes. (He has lost one on several pairs)

SSHarkey

Like the others, I have stopped planning any trips other than to family. And they’re very seldom. I love your “find”!

RickM

My wife and I did lots of outdoor trips with our son when he was very young. They were challenging. She just told me: you can deal with him out here or you can deal with him at home. Where would you prefer? Good advice and we ended up creating lots of memories. It's up to you. As for my wife, as she declined, we kept doing the outdoor trips until I got to the point where it was too much: I just couldn't do it anymore. I'd rather deal with her at home.

Daughter of a Marine

Sending hugs, Rose - this journey is not for the weak. I once received some advice I've tried to follow, tho not always successful. I was told to focus on the moments versus the entire experience. For example, if my DH would enjoy a view of the sunset, I try to make it happen, knowing it won't be a memory we'll share. Could be an ice cream cone, today's solar eclipse, fishing for half an hour, etc., I've tried to adjust my expectations to minimize disappointment, tho it doesn't eliminate my sadness and grief. He is in stage 5/6 and his disease is progressing. Know you are not alone - you're in my prayers!

Daughter of a Marine

Daughter of a Marine

CindyBum

I'm so sorry it's not going well, but kudos for you for trying. It is a hard lesson for us to realize our traveling days with out SOs are over sooner than we'd expected. It really breaks my heart for all of us, this cruel, cruel disease. So few opportunities to make positive new memories. Sigh.

pjswiftwater

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68798/conflicting-memories

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68798/conflicting-memories

Wow, so much sounds like my Eclipse Adventure! At the last minute, after searching for awhile for lodging, I found a little "cabin" on the water in NY. I thought a couple of days away would be a nice treat. My DH is not very positive about anything these days so the "cabin" reminded him too much of a trailer, I should have included him in the search for lodging (not that he's participated much in any vacation planning in the six years we've been together), the water wasn't hot enough, the outside light was too bright, and on and in and on…

I know it's futile but I keep hoping for a little gratitude, a smile, a pat on the back. Instead I end up singing to myself and hoping I don't mistakenly say something I shouldn't which usually ends up with something being thrown and usually broken.

The man I married five years ago was sweet and considerate, I don't know what happened to him and unfortunately I don't have years of good memories to look back on. I am thankful for this group and knowing there are others going through similar situations.

wose

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/205504#Comment_205504

@pjswiftwater .. I think we are in that same leaky boat. Our trip even got worse the last 2 days with everything being my fault. It’s so hard, when you’re trying so hard, to be constantly accused without any positive comments at all. I too sing all the time. It really helps, maybe we could start an old timers therapy band😁 Being married 14 years, I sometimes think he was like this much of the time and I didn’t realize with me working a lot of hours. So yes, most of my memories are not good, loving ones that I have with my first hubby who died from leukemia. This group is a life line for me and I will forever be grateful for finding this forum and also so very thankful for everyone on here💜