Worried

wose

Just need to talk this out. No need to respond. My DH passed the Driving knowledge test, but flunked the skill test on Sat. I thought it was going to be the opposite, but he couldn’t parallel park to save his ass. So he’s been on the warpath since. Since his license has been revoked he has me jumping through hoops for him. We “practiced” all day yesterday and tomorrow is D-Day. He won’t eat, just keeps pacing and saying his life will be over if he doesn’t pass tomorrow. This is one thing he will never let go. He even asked me if he should tell the lady that does the test that his memory is due to a B-12 deficiency. It’s sad, but also very maddening and kinda scary. I keep reassuring and telling him nothing will change and that I’ll still be here. And now, he wants a divorce and he’s going to go to a nursing home. Not sure where all that came from, probably fear. I think maybe he’s scared. Me too tho, as I sit behind my locked bedroom door. 💜

SSHarkey

Deep breathing, Wose! Let consequences take their course. I agree, he’s scared. Loss of control is very hard. The whole divorce nursing home thing was his expressing his belief that he will be useless as a man to you or to himself. Like every loss, he will grieve, and that I anger and blaming, and depression. Until finally he will begin to accept the loss. Do you need someone else to take him tomorrow? Will you be safe alone with him after it’s finished?

housefinch

Is it safe for him to go to the test? Could he take his anger out on the driving test administrator? I’d be worried that, not only are you at risk every day, but so are the messengers who don’t know the wrath they will be facing tomorrow.
I really am concerned he could already qualify for admission to a geriatric psychiatric unit now. Based on your multiple posts, his behavior seems really unsafe to you and potentially to anyone else he suddenly thinks has somehow wronged him. I mean anyone—-another shopper at the store who looks at him wrong, this driving person, etc. You are essentially walking around with a ticking time bomb. Forgive me for being so blunt. I think he needs an emergency psychiatric evaluation like yesterday.

M1

Again i agree completely with housefinch. I would call 911 in the morning. Please. This is not safe for anyone.

michiganpat

Wose, you have every reason to be worried. Please google the article "Man with early dementia shoots wife and daughter, kills daughter." March 16, 2020 in Charlevoix County, Mi. He did it because "they had recently taken away his car keys, not allowing him to drive." The charges were eventually dropped due to his dementia but the daughter is dead. The wife recovered. Your husband really does need an evaluation in a hospital. Please be safe. It does happen. My brother with lewy body dementia took after his stepdaughter with a knife, believing there were "crazy women" in the house. He was charged but they were soon dropped due to his dementia. He died 2 months later in a memory care unit. Do whatever is necessary for your safety and the safety of others. I will be thinking of you today. Please be safe.

JDancer

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68903/worried

I'm confused. It sounds like has took his tests and failed. What test does he have today?

harshedbuzz

This happened recently not far from here.

Bad things can happen. This man's brother swore there was no warning but perhaps the PWD showtimed around family. It's very easy to feel safer than you because a person you once knew so well looks and sounds the same. Safety first.

Behavior is communication. It must be terrible to live with that internal upset and not have the bandwidth to process it rationally. Meds can take the edge off the feelings that drive this.

https://people.com/pa-man-84-accused-of-killing-wife-argument-over-veterinary-bill-8408378

In this article family mention that he'd been having memory issues "recently". Other articles state that he'd been diagnosed 6 years before.

a postscript, this many was found unfit to stand trial. It's not been shared whether an adult child or sibling has stepped in as guardian or whether the court appointed someone else. At any rate, he will be without his wife as an advocate.

HB

M5M

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/205899#Comment_205899

he gets to retake actual driving, apparently.

mrahope

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I completely feel your fear and heartache. You must know that even if he actually meant what he's saying about divorce, nursing home, etc. that he cannot carry it out. Sadly, it truly might be time for 911, or at very least an appeal to his doctor(s) or anyone he will believe/trust under the circumstances. And that is not you… Do you have a place you can go nearby to be safe? Like someone else's house.

Quilting brings calm

@JDancer

I don’t know about her state, but my state allows you to take the test multiple times if you fail.

M1

Please keep us posted when you can woze. I had to go the hospital route and I know how hard it is. But you are not doing yourself or him any favors to try to avoid it.

fmb

@wose I have been praying for you all day today. Please do check back in when you can and let us know how you are doing. We are all very concerned for you.

LaneyG

Hi wose. I too worry for you. I had very similar struggles with my husband who became irate, verbally abusive and threatening when I tried to keep him from driving. It reached the point where a
hospitalization did become necessary. It helped for sure but didn’t solve the problem completely. Too much of his identity and independence is associated to driving. At the time of his hospitalization the doc submitted paperwork to the RMV. He got letters indicating his license was suspended. He began to escalate again insisting on a hearing and attorney. What helped me through this was acting as if on his side. I empathized a lot. I scheduled the hearing a month out. He talked about it incessantly for a couple of weeks and then miraculously he seemed to forget about it. Somewhere along the way several on this forum suggested I cancel the hearing, and tell him the RMV cancelled it if he asks about. It was great advice. Every now and then he mentions it in passing and I redirect as quickly as I can. I do live in fear that I’m not done yet with this issue. I’ll be thinking about you. Stay safe. I hope you will let us know how things go tomorrow .

Sherry LD

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68903/worried

I am so sorry! This is what scares me if my DH gets pushed into that situation also.

wose

He’s on cloud 9 and I am emotionally drained. Of course he passed ( you get 3 try’s!!!) gloated and at this point I really wish he would kill me, that’s how defeated I feel. It is only me and him. There is no one on my side. He has friends, I only have him and now he just proved his point: It’s me, I’m the problem. I’m failing miserably at this caregiving. At my second visit with the social worker this afternoon after the driving test, he said maybe I’m giving my DH too much credit. Maybe he’s worse than I think. I don’t know. I feel he’s bamboozling me and he’s getting a pass He can do as he pleases, not show any love, empathy, kindness or gratitude. Doesn’t have to lift a finger to do anything and I’m running myself straight into the ground and I need to do it with a smile on my face at all times. Sorry, I sound like a lunatic. I’m wearing my purple jewelry to remind me, but it’s not working and now to top it all off at the tender age of 65(almost 66) I just sneezed and peed for the first time💜

LaneyG

I’m so sorry Wose. You are not the problem and you most are not failing as a caregiver. Sounds like you are taking it a day at a time and doing the best you can with whatever gets thrown your way. I think that is all any of us can do. Venting is healthy not lunacy!

wose

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/206004#Comment_206004

Thank you @LaneyG , I was just reading your post about clingy and was thinking about how maddening that must be to have no alone time at all. We are just the opposite, he downstairs and I’m up most of the time now. You definitely need some “you time” for your own sanity, Can you think of something you can give him to do that might preoccupy him for awhile? Sometimes my DH will get a little lost in a task and then loses track of time. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.

M1

Your post still alarms and scares me woze. He's not safe for you to be around.

SSHarkey

Wose, I agree with M1. He’s not safe for you both physically and emotionally! You need to take care and protect YOU right now.

RetiredTeacher

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68903/worried

My heart breaks for you. My DH took the written test last summer and passed but failed the eye test due to cataracts. In hindsight, actually a blessing. He had cataract surgery in Jan, a third stroke 2 weeks later and carotid artery surgery 3 weeks later. Drmentia is worse…progression, stroke, general anesthesia, all of the above. He wanted to go get his license but I told him he is no longer safe to drive for himself or others due to slow reaction time. He didnt like it but didnt fight me, thankfully. I can't imagine how awful it is for you to live behind locked doors in fear and him threatening you with divorce. Dementia takes so many victims, not just the one with the disease.

Iris L.

Regarding tinkling: you're not the only one! Get some pads, the shelves are full of a variety. Do kegels. Make your life easier.

You do need to protect yourself. You need a plan. Pack a bag with a few necessities so you will be ready if you need to leave quickly. Do you have access to money?

Iris