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Wondering ...

How would you handle this?  A relative regularly calls me to check up on us, and I’m very grateful for that.  But nearly every time I talk to her, she says to me that she’s so glad that although her husband has numerous health issues, at least she can have a coherent conversation with him. And every damned time she says that, I feel as though she’s telling me what a rotten life I have.

I’m reluctant to speak to her about it because I’m quite sure she has no idea exactly how her comment sounds and I don’t want her to stop calling.  Of all my friends and family, she is the only one who calls me to see how things are going.  I don’t want to hurt her feelings and I don’t want to appear overly sensitive, but I really, really don’t want to have to listen to my life being viewed so negatively.  We’re doing our best to play this rotten hand we’ve been dealt.  And DH and I are often (if not always) quite capable of having coherent conversations.

Comments

  • Jeanne C.
    Jeanne C. Member Posts: 835
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    I'm sorry. People can be thoughtless. My guess is that, in her way, she's trying to acknowledge your situation. I'm glad you have a friend who continues to reach out.

  • ImMaggieMae
    ImMaggieMae Member Posts: 1,033
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    I would continue to do what you have been doing, for the same reason you mentioned. People drop away and stop calling and visiting because they don’t know what to say or they can’t deal with this disease. We have to hang on to the few that do call and just try to ignore remarks like that. It’s important to have people to talk to when we’re so isolated.

  • concerned_sister
    concerned_sister Member Posts: 425
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    If I were to try to imagine such a conversation, I'd probably start with the quote, "we don't know what we've got to it's gone", and I'm thankful it's not completely gone. I give thanks that we can still …

    There might even come a down day to share, "Thank you for caring. There are days I miss …"

  • trottingalong
    trottingalong Member Posts: 433
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    Just laugh and say “oh, we still have great conversations.” I really think most people truly don’t know that what they say may hurt our feelings. Some people are fearful of saying the wrong thing, so then avoid even talking to us.

  • JeriLynn66
    JeriLynn66 Member Posts: 844
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    I'm sorry this happens. I don't know where you live, but down here where I was raised, we would end that story with "But bless her heart, she means well, her heart's in the right place". Surely it is because she still calls. Sending you hugs and wishes for a good day today.

  • Iris L.
    Iris L. Member Posts: 4,433
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    My very close friend told me she was backing away and giving me "tough love" after I told her about my difficulties with my memory loss. People don't know what to say or what not to say. She is a nurse, btw. I guess she thought I was an addict.

    Iris

  • ButterflyWings
    ButterflyWings Member Posts: 1,755
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    @Iris L. that is just mean, or stupid. I am sorry you had to experience both the loss and insensitivity of a previously very close friend. What she said and did is not very loving at all.

    @HangingIn maybe the next time she says that, you can just say "Ouch!" and not make a big deal of it (this time) but hope that she takes note. I agree to not just suffer in silence even though you don't want her to stop calling. I find we have to really protect our spirits and feelings. No one knows how truly heavy and emotionally + mentally exhausting this dementia caregiving is. If she doesn't realize how hurtful the statement is, let her know gently and if she cares, she will stop. If she doesn't…you will need to develop even thicker skin, or change the subject somehow, or maybe have a sudden need to answer the door (and end the call) when that line of discussion starts.

  • harshedbuzz
    harshedbuzz Member Posts: 4,509
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    @HangingIn

    I'm sorry. It's difficult to be on the receiving end of tone deaf conversations.

    I'm a believer in teaching folks how you want to be treated. Options around that, without being confrontational, might start with looking at why she says this.

    Perhaps she's unfamiliar with dementia as a progressive condition and doesn't realize symptoms can be subtle in the early and middle stages. Until you've lived dementia up close and personal you might not realize that many PWD are chatty— my dad was conversational until he died. I used to be irked by the people who asked if dad still knew who I was as that was some sort of defining line for personhood.

    Perhaps she's thinking of you both but doesn't know what to say. Maybe you could redirect the conversation back to more pleasant topics being especially careful not to turn the call into a venting session.

    Or perhaps, you could tell her how her off-hand comment hurts. She probably doesn't know. I like @ButterflyWings "ouch-approach".

    HB

  • midge333
    midge333 Member Posts: 331
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    I think your friend is acknowledging how much your situation sucks. I can understand that you don't want to focus on the negative but I think your friend is trying to be supportive. Most of us have experienced friends/family simply disappearing or if they show up, they quickly change the topic if we discuss our LO's decline. I am sorry. This is all so hard.

  • ImMaggieMae
    ImMaggieMae Member Posts: 1,033
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    Wig023, does your sister in law and brother help you with your husband?

  • WIGO23
    WIGO23 Member Posts: 118
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    No—my brother’s health is precarious. They have a lot to deal with on their own.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more