Suggestions on how to introduce companion services, please?

Anna2022

I think it's time for companion services for my DH. His friends have slipped away and I know he is lonely. I can fill some of his friendship needs, but he definitely needs more socialization. It's been suggested that I start introducing a new "friend" to him but how do I do that? It has also been suggested that I introduce the "friend" as someone who is here to help me…. Do you have any ideas or suggestions that may work or have already worked for you?

If it helps, here's a snapshot of where he is on his journey: He is a retired lawyer and still is pretty savvy about things I try to introduce to help. His losses so far include things like no short term memory, faulty reasoning, inability to make decisions, emotional impulse control, and apathy. He has also lost the ability to initiate and participate in hobbies he used to enjoy (guitar playing, reading, books, motorcycles and driving fast cars (thank goodness!), etc. He walks the dog daily but that's all the exercise he does. He finds it difficult to follow a plot line on TV shows/movies but watches anyway, saying he just enjoys the different scenes as discrete episodes.

Any suggestions welcome! And, thank you!!

Babz0226

My DH goes to Adult Day Care 2x a week it took him 1 month to get used to it , I will be adding another day in the fall a good option to try if available in your area.He has been going for 6 months now and I get sometime with friends, errands,etc. I don't know how long it will last but will keep doing it for now. A great decision for me.

Belle60

I am just starting this service and told DH that it would be someone that would come into the house to help me and be there for him. So far he is receptive but it hasnt started yet so we will see how the first day goes. I am also looking into day programs as well. Your DH sounds alot like mine he is lonely during the day can no longer do things that will occupy his time. I still work during the day so he easily gets bored. I am hoping this will help break up his day and give him someone around.

Babz0226

We are both retired and my DH has been in sales and had 2 business so a very social guy with a lot of friends that has been the hardest part they get bored, I think day care keeps him busy he thinks he goes there to help them out it works for now.

Anna2022

Forgot to say that he has anosognosia. So, day care is not an option for him now - he pitches a major fit at the suggestion.

jfkoc

The one thing you do not want to do is to say the "companion" is there for him.

I told my husband that a freind of a friend had been laid off and was looking for work. I sked if he thought we could hire her part time. He thought it was a great idea.

That woman ended up full time and sang to my husband while he died.

It is the approach that is the key.

Please let us know your solution.

Anna2022

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207568#Comment_207568

Great idea. What was your explanation about what work she would do for you?

jfkoc

Lite housework, cooking, errands, laundry…

All of the above gave me time to actually be with my husband…a bonus.

Anna2022

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207571#Comment_207571

So simple but such a great idea. Thank you!!

jennmc414

> @Anna2022 said:
> I think it's time for companion services for my DH. His friends have slipped away and I know he is lonely. I can fill some of his friendship needs, but he definitely needs more socialization. It's been suggested that I start introducing a new "friend" to him but how do I do that? It has also been suggested that I introduce the "friend" as someone who is here to help me…. Do you have any ideas or suggestions that may work or have already worked for you?
> If it helps, here's a snapshot of where he is on his journey: He is a retired lawyer and still is pretty savvy about things I try to introduce to help. His losses so far include things like no short term memory, faulty reasoning, inability to make decisions, emotional impulse control, and apathy. He has also lost the ability to initiate and participate in hobbies he used to enjoy (guitar playing, reading, books, motorcycles and driving fast cars (thank goodness!), etc. He walks the dog daily but that's all the exercise he does. He finds it difficult to follow a plot line on TV shows/movies but watches anyway, saying he just enjoys the different scenes as discrete episodes.
> Any suggestions welcome! And, thank you!!

> @Anna2022 said:
> I think it's time for companion services for my DH. His friends have slipped away and I know he is lonely. I can fill some of his friendship needs, but he definitely needs more socialization. It's been suggested that I start introducing a new "friend" to him but how do I do that? It has also been suggested that I introduce the "friend" as someone who is here to help me…. Do you have any ideas or suggestions that may work or have already worked for you?
> If it helps, here's a snapshot of where he is on his journey: He is a retired lawyer and still is pretty savvy about things I try to introduce to help. His losses so far include things like no short term memory, faulty reasoning, inability to make decisions, emotional impulse control, and apathy. He has also lost the ability to initiate and participate in hobbies he used to enjoy (guitar playing, reading, books, motorcycles and driving fast cars (thank goodness!), etc. He walks the dog daily but that's all the exercise he does. He finds it difficult to follow a plot line on TV shows/movies but watches anyway, saying he just enjoys the different scenes as discrete episodes.
> Any suggestions welcome! And, thank you!!

> @Anna2022 said:
> I think it's time for companion services for my DH. His friends have slipped away and I know he is lonely. I can fill some of his friendship needs, but he definitely needs more socialization. It's been suggested that I start introducing a new "friend" to him but how do I do that? It has also been suggested that I introduce the "friend" as someone who is here to help me…. Do you have any ideas or suggestions that may work or have already worked for you?
> If it helps, here's a snapshot of where he is on his journey: He is a retired lawyer and still is pretty savvy about things I try to introduce to help. His losses so far include things like no short term memory, faulty reasoning, inability to make decisions, emotional impulse control, and apathy. He has also lost the ability to initiate and participate in hobbies he used to enjoy (guitar playing, reading, books, motorcycles and driving fast cars (thank goodness!), etc. He walks the dog daily but that's all the exercise he does. He finds it difficult to follow a plot line on TV shows/movies but watches anyway, saying he just enjoys the different scenes as discrete episodes.
> Any suggestions welcome! And, thank you!!

> @Anna2022 said:
> I think it's time for companion services for my DH. His friends have slipped away and I know he is lonely. I can fill some of his friendship needs, but he definitely needs more socialization. It's been suggested that I start introducing a new "friend" to him but how do I do that? It has also been suggested that I introduce the "friend" as someone who is here to help me…. Do you have any ideas or suggestions that may work or have already worked for you?
> If it helps, here's a snapshot of where he is on his journey: He is a retired lawyer and still is pretty savvy about things I try to introduce to help. His losses so far include things like no short term memory, faulty reasoning, inability to make decisions, emotional impulse control, and apathy. He has also lost the ability to initiate and participate in hobbies he used to enjoy (guitar playing, reading, books, motorcycles and driving fast cars (thank goodness!), etc. He walks the dog daily but that's all the exercise he does. He finds it difficult to follow a plot line on TV shows/movies but watches anyway, saying he just enjoys the different scenes as discrete episodes.
> Any suggestions welcome! And, thank you!!

jennmc414

I’m a companion caregiver for an elderly woman with Alzheimer’s. I started about 4 years ago. At first, she hated the idea of a “babysitter” and it’s been a huge learning curve. But I’d say you should introduce that person as your helper. Maybe the person starts just talking with your dh. The thing is, he will forget easily and the approach can change. Not every companion is going to be right for him. I’m very observant and I constantly search for ways to interact. If he likes to talk, the person can listen and respond accordingly. With my lady, she cried and complained and stressed a lot. I tend to make things quieter, and empathize with whatever she says. If she wants impossible things, my answer is always yes, we will do that tomorrow. If he has something he likes to do like cards or play games- have the person do that. Have the person read to him or play music to him. Just watch short videos from YouTube of someone playing guitar. And it’s fine if he can’t understand plot, we watch and talk about food channel or hgtv and it doesn’t even need to make sense.

justbreathe2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69057/suggestions-on-how-to-introduce-companion-services-please

Anna, my DH interests and hobbies were exactly like yours, motorcycles, airplanes, cars, reading, music. He is always friendly and talks and at one time others found him interesting. I found it hard to believe when he tells me he is not sociable. He sounds as if he might be in the same stage as your DH. He was diagnosed with MCI, but I think he may be in Stage 2. He can still play his trumpet and some piano, but do see him losing interest. We still have good conversations. He doesn’t read much and cannot follow movies.

It is very difficult to find friends, or to be sociable with others these days. He never had many friends. I do try and get him out walking among neighbors, stopping by short visits with my family. He enjoys going grocery shopping, and errands with me sometimes. Although it does slow me down. I appreciate the people that take time and talk to him.

He is not ready for daycare yet. A friend suggested having someone come for light housekeeping for few hours and talk to him. It’s a good idea, except he enjoys vacuuming, making bed, etc. So that would be a take away of things he likes to do.

WIGO23

Anna2022,

I wish I had suggestions for you.

Your description of your husband is uncanny in its similarity to my husband. He is also a retired attorney and his functioning is so much the same as your husband. I need respite time desperately but my DH’s anosognosia gets in the way of that! He cannot stand to hear the words dementia or Alzheimer’s, if he happens to overhear an instructional video I am trying to watch. We are moving to be near our daughter soon. I have hope of DH getting back to golf (or even the practice range) with her and our son in law. There will be other opportunities for help I do not have now. Those times will provide me with desperately needed alone time to recharge my caregiver batteries. I send you my very best wishes that you find the time you need as well.

Abby1567

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207627#Comment_207627

WIG023….

Can I ask how your DH feels about the upcoming move? I believe my DH is in Stage 4. We have our home up for sale as it’s just too big for me to manage alone. We have dear friends who are always willing to help but I don’t want to take advantage of that. This move is going to be very hard on him. He doesn’t want to leave and gets very emotional. Do you have any suggestions? What are you doing to ease the stress of a major move? Thank you for any suggestions.

Anna2022

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207627#Comment_207627

Yes, our husbands' behaviors seem to be the same! That anasognosia is a beast and makes things doubly hard to manage. I wish you good luck on the move! My DH refuses to move, saying this is his home and he wants to be here. I talked about moving about a year ago, but couldn't get any traction. I suspect the window of opportunity for us to move easily has closed. His children live across country and there is no other family nearby. We carry on.

Anna2022

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207625#Comment_207625

Yes, @justbreathe2, my DH is so similar! He also used to be the more
social of us and now avoids most contact with others. If my friends come
to the house, he retreats to the back rooms. He will go to lunch with
friends but struggles to keep up with any group conversation. He can
track single conversations that are directed to him and can follow my
conversation with one other person, but will be mostly silent. It is
such a personality change! And he gets super agitated if there is any
suggestion, implication or even tone in my voice that he is needing
assistance. Like your DH, he is not a candidate yet for Day Care,

Anna2022

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207606#Comment_207606

Thank you! This helps a lot! I need to find someone just like you!!

M1

Anna i was thinking about your post yesterday, and although you say your DH was social, he sounds like an introvert to me, and my personal experience and observation is that we introverts (my partner and I are both fairly extreme) have a harder time as dementia progresses. Most of our interests and activities are solo or with one or two close people, and when you lose yourself and ability to sustain those few relationships, it's devastating. Most day care and MC activities are for extroverts, and my partner shuns those, even more so now as she is also losing more hearing and has a hard time with a lot of background noise. Even when they play soft "background" music at meals it drives her crazy, and its frustrating not to be able to control those things in a group environment.

I'll be interested to hear how it goes introducing companion care. Maybe you'll get lucky and he'll bond with this person. One on one sounds like it might suit him and I'll hope so. I wasn't able to find anyone in our rural area during the pandemic…

easy23

I hired a companion 3x a week, 4 hours each. I just tell my DH that my friend Tom is coming to visit. DH doesn't ask any questions and seems to enjoy his company. It was much easier than I expected!

Anna2022

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207764#Comment_207764

Sounds so easy! Thank you!! DH usually retreats to the back when my friends come over but its worth a try!

Anna2022

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207761#Comment_207761

Thank you, M1. Yes, he was an introvert, truly social but then replenished energy by retreating to home. It's interesting to see it play out now - you are right, we introverts lose so much with the progression! I agree that one on one is the best way forward for him. I've got a list of recommended resources to start investigating this companion care. I will updates as things move forward.

l7pla1w2

I face a similar problem with DW. She has no short-term memory, not much long-term memory, no executive function, and she's easily confused. I've concluded she's reverted to when she was in graduate school, the last time she lived alone and took care of everything herself. She has delusions of competence and thinks she does or could do all those things... but she can't. However, in this delusion, "there's nothing wrong with me", so it's hard to introduce a caregiver. And since we have a very small circle of friends, it would be hard to use the ruse of introducing a friend.

DW needs something to do during the day. She is an active person, so sitting in front of a TV is not for her. I was able to take her to a day program for a few weeks. Many day programs seem to be structured like a classroom, with a leader in front of long, parallel tables. DW tried that for one session and didn't like it. I think she had trouble with the activities and that frustrated her. But then we found a related program that was structured like a seminar, with participants around a long table and with several facilitators who could provide individual attention. DW enjoyed the program and liked the leaders, but eventually we had to drop out. Although the program was supposed to run until 2:30, DW started sundowning after lunch and wanted to go home. She said she would walk home (7 mi.!), and the facilitators had to keep an eye on her until I could retrieve her. The net respite time for me after subtracting travel times was about 2 hrs., and it just wasn't worth it to me.

Anna2022

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207797#Comment_207797

Finding good care/help is such a problem for our loved ones! I wish I lived in the same city as others on this site so we could meet and combine forces. As it is, all I can send you is virtual support!