Help! Dealing with Mom wanting to go home

jadew

Mom has been in memory care for one month. She's asking to go home per usual, and I am following the points suggested to me to redirect, etc. My question is emotionally how do you deal with the guilt of it all? I am so sad, and just want to tell her the truth (of course, I won't..she's unable to process) but the feelings remain..a HEAVY burden. I want my Mom back, for her to hear me and understand me, and for her to be able to go home and live her life with dignity. But, she can't and I can't make it better for her. I need advice, please.

Pdxnewbie

I only lasted 12 days before bringing my wife home. Visiting for 4 hours each day made me realize her quality of life would be better at home with the assistance of home health care. For me the decision came when I realized she needed 1 on 1 care which the facility could not provide. It sounds like bringing her home is not an option for you. I wish I had an answer for the guilt as I (and my son) felt that until we were able to bring her home.

BassetHoundAnn

Hi, Jadew. I think we all feel guilt when a loved one says they want to go home. There are links floating around the forum to I think a Tam Cummings document and some Tippa Snow videos which address this and they're definitely worth checking out. When a loved one says they want to go home what they mean may be that they want to return to their old self prior to dementia. Or the home they want to return to may not be the home that we think they have in mind. They may be envisioning some childhood home. They may have forgotten their last home. Many report that a loved one may actually be living in their home when they insist that they want to go home. They no longer recognize their home.

I think the best strategy is to remind yourself that you are keeping your loved one safe and well cared for. That is the most important thing.

I tried caring for my mom in her home, but it didn't work out. She was constantly angry with me—furious actually—telling me to go home, that she didn't want me there, what nerve I had living in her house. But there was no way she could continue to live on her own.

I struggled to care for her in our home but that didn't work either. She was a 24-hour whirlwind beyond my and my husband's capabilities to watch and care for. And of course she was constantly furious with us, demanding to go home.

Placement in a memory care was the only good option for all of us.

But it is hard, it really is. I try to visit her every day, talk with the aids, be her advocate, make sure she's getting the care and attention she needs, and enough activities to keep her happy. And I spend time with her, just listening to music or holding her hand.

Yeah, it's hard, it really is.

sandwichone123

When I started feeling guilty I would talk myself through why my dh had moved in the first place, and come to the realization that it was not me moving him but rather the illness changing our circumstances so that home was no longer a viable option. At first I had this discussion with myself several time a day, then several times a week, and now only a couple times a month.