Flew home and found mom in self neglect

tmarris

I am the youngest of 7, and my mother’s only girl. I’m the favorite and so I have the best relationship with her. My mom is 74, and I noticed something was wrong last year when she was showing some short term memory loss, not answering her phone, and making excuses to not fly to Colorado to visit her kids. Saying she was sick or had car trouble etc.

I finally had enough last September and flew home to see her. She was receptive to it, but I knew something was wrong. She lives in a 5 bedroom farmhouse and cannot take care of it after the passing of my father 9 years ago. Since his passing she has been heartbroken and on antidepressants. With Covid she experienced extreme loneliness I think as well. Despite my attempts to stay in contact. Also amongst Covid I believe she drank a lot. My brother even said he would see her drunk and passed out at the dinner table.

When I rolled up to the house it was covered in weeds and the tires on her car were all flat. She came to the door in complete shambles with puke or food on her shirt. Not bathing in who knows how long. The house in complete disarray. Trash and old food with bugs and mold and dishes piled two feet high in the sink. The smell was unreal. I tried talking to her with little luck of response. She looked like she was going to die on the sofa if I hadn’t shown up. Traumatic at the least.

Luckily my friend and four siblings came to my call. I also went to mental health services to speak with someone and get some advice on what to do. They sent a case worker to talk to my mom and she was receptive to get help from her kids. We spent two weeks cleaning the outside and inside of the home. Filling two dumpsters and deciding to pack a suitcase to move her to Colorado, because this wasn’t over.

I have two brothers in Colorado. Myself and second youngest brother have gotten her to the Dr and POA is setup. We trade having her every two weeks. That’s been the hardest part. We realize she just sits in the home if she isn’t prompted to do something. She doesn’t like to shower. She asks the same questions over and over. She eats constantly too! Not sure why? She was also diagnosed with diabetes which her mother had. We care for her, but the care giving has taken a toll, and she needs assistance with meds and bathing reminders and to clean up after herself. I am struggling with my own personal life issues which makes all this so much harder. I’d like to hear what others are doing to get their LO with newfound memory loss. I think a home is best for her so she can have activities and socialization, but know she won’t be receptive and will resent us for this. Sorry for the long ramble. It’s been a long journey already and it’s compromised my health, work and relationships. I am only 37.

terei

Start the process of placing her in a facility. Do no discuss it with her. They will probably visit to assess her. Again, do NOT discuss this with her, she will not agree with you + only agitate her. When you have the arrangements made, tell her you are taking her to lunch + go to the facility. You should arrive for lunch. Before. you leave, tell her her doctor has prescribed that she stay at this ‘rehab’ till she is feeling much better…blame it all on the dr.

The facility will advise you whether you should not visit for a week or two to get her acclimated, or not. They can usually judge whether it is advisable to do this or not.

As time goes on, if she continues to want to leave, you can tell her there was a flood at her house, or some other disaster + the dr says she has to continue with her ‘treatment’ + you are working on repairing the house. repeat, repeat, repeat.

Do not try to convince her to agree to a move. More than likely, it will only cause conflict among all of you.

Spend some time reading on this site+ it will help you determine what is the best approach to take with her to keep the move as smooth as possible

Quilting brings calm

once you place her, you can tell her that that moving her every two weeks went against the doctor’s recommendation. He can shoulder the blame. If she then says - well I could just stay with one of you- just redirect the conversation or say ‘not a viable option’. Don’t try to logically explain why. And try to remember - you are getting her 24/7 staffed care with socialization, meals, personal care.

M1

agree that she would likely do well in a memory care facility. Have you addressed how to finance this? It is costly. In addition to power of attorney, you may need to see a certified elder law attorney to address getting her qualified for long-term Medicaid. What is covered is state-specific, you would have to find out if Medicaid will cover Memory care in Colorado. Private pay can run up to $10,000 per month. You and your siblings should address this together in all likelihood…you can find lists of certified elder law attorneys by location at nelf.org.

tmarris

Wow that’s good information to have. She has Medicare so we will look into this. Thank you for this!

tmarris

Not a bad thought. We are looking at her care options first and will asses approach but I like working with the doctor on this one. Thank you!

concerned_sister

Please note Medicare and Medicaid are different programs.

H1235

My mom currently lives with my brother, but he works full time and it’s not safe for her to be alone in the house anymore. He doctor said mom would probably never accept that it’s time for assisted living and I agree. We have told her she will be moving to AL( not my idea) and she is not happy about it. Very angry. My brother spent a month trying to convince her that she needed to go. The idea of moving against her wishes was too hard for him to accept. I think that made things so much worse. I think there is this false (in my opinion) assumption that a pwd is always better off living with family. AL offers activities, and other people her age to talk with. Some independence with her own rooms. One of the biggest advantages is that family doesn’t have to deal with the daily struggles. Good luck

tmarris

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/208743#Comment_208743

Thanks for sharing your story. My brother and I had a discussion yesterday and we are exploring options of AL as we know it will help with her overall health and allow her to make friends and not feel bored at our home while we have work despite giving her puzzles and other things to do. She needs interaction :$

Hope AL is working out well for your mom as well as you and your brother