Missing my life

JC5

just missing that “Someone loves me “ feeling 🥲

ImMaggieMae

Could that be replaced by “Someone needs you”?

M1

Not the same Maggie, sadly. I get it.....It helps that i had it in spades for a long time, but....i do miss it. She still says it, but she can't show it, and it is not what it was. And i don't think I'll ever have it again. I know some do, but I kinda know I'm not gonna be one of those.

wose

When that someone needs you only shows you disdain, it’s so hard to feel warm and fuzzy and even nostalgic. I’ve seemed to have lost the warm and loving moments and now all I have left are the hateful ones. I feel myself pulling further and further away emotionally. It’s so sad. I know now, without any doubt, I’ll be alone for the rest of the time I have left. I just can’t do it again 💜

SSHarkey

Definitely not the same. Once I moved into caregiver mode and he became more needy, the dynamic shifted completely. Yes, I definitely miss being loved for who I am. I’ve missed it for a long time now.

trottingalong

I still have it, even though I can see it slowly slipping away. I treasure what I have today because I know I will miss it terribly when it’s gone.

MelissaNH

My husband has bvFTD and I lost that over a decade ago as his personality began to change. We're on the precipice of worst stages and I already share these feelings ((( @JC5 ))). I get them all the time and I really feel for you and all those going through this. It's just not fair 😥

Jeanne C.

Yeah, it's awful. It's like we're alone in a bubble with our spouse and completely outside of everyone else's lives. It hurts. My husband clings to me like a scared toddler, but it's not the love of a partner anymore. (((JC5)))

mrahope

OMG! That's pretty much how I feel now almost all the time. My DH had become so difficult that I spent a good bit of the last year or so "walking on eggshells". Now that he's at MC and I've been told not to visit yet I realize just how truly alone I've been. Do I miss him? Yes, but I miss who he used to be. I'm cleaning out his room and memories are kinda ambushing me from all sides. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to vent in a safe space.

LindaLouise

I

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/208641#Comment_208641

I'm in the process of considering MC at my kids request - I've totally isolated my DH and myself as I can't predict when he will go into a rant/rage - even with me constantly walking on eggshells. He wants to leave the house when in these moments, but due to the locks on the doors, he can't "escape" and I end up feeling like the jailer - a strange type of jailer who is also locked up with the "prisoner". But —- what you said about being ambushed by memories is so true! We have had 46 (well, 44 before this got so hard!) wonderful years and so many memories. Looking at pictures - even after a scary rage - reminds me who we were and then I can feel the grief. It is such a bizarre disease - we are exhausted and burned out and desperate for relief and a few moments to regroup and rest - but when that relief comes, the grief of losing my DH comes at me full force.

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69158/missing-my-life

I know exactly how you feel

bitbrawley

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/208615#Comment_208615

that’s my attitude! I keep going to the gym, play Pickleball and hang out with friends while I can

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69158/missing-my-life

I was just feeling the same way just a couple of days ago, tells me she love me all the time but somehow that closeness has become less. Nothing really UP about this illness. At least with other treatments ,no matter how bad , there’s some hope at end Sorry don’t mind me in that kind of mood.

JDancer

I know the feeling. My spouse is still (mostly) pleasant and kind, but so flat emotionally, his "love" is meaningless. As friends and family die, the feeling grows.

ButterflyWings

@JC5 Same. It isn't nostalgia looking at pictures today, but songs are taking me there. Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald duet just hit me like a ton of bricks with the lyrics…"something in my heart always knew, I'd be lying here beside you…On My Own — why did it end this way? This isn't how it was supposed to be! On my own…"

@LindaLouise You nailed it: It is such a bizarre disease - we are exhausted and burned out and desperate for relief and a few moments to regroup and rest - but when that relief comes, the grief of losing my DH comes at me full force.

LaneyG

I’m not sure I can feel much of anything any more.

FredW

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69158/missing-my-life

I understand. And, I suspect most caregivers do too. It’s called ambiguous loss, and it hurts.

Denise1847

I don't know if this will be of any help but here it goes. My DH has always been cold, lacking in empathy and would have left me if I was the one with the disease. He was a foster child and so I have tried to accept him in his brokenness and have tried to help him overcome it. He never did overcome it. So I have dealt with the lack of feeling "somebody loves me" for years. I have coped with this by recognizing that I am loved by God, my son and my sister. Now that I am seeing the ending of this dysfunctional relationship, I have much regret in settling for a one-sided relationship. As I read many of your posts, I cannot imagine the pain you all are experiencing. At the same time, I am truly envious of your relationships and the recognition of what I gave up all these years. Now that is really messed up.

mrahope

@Denise1847 I feel in many ways the same as you do. My family and I only recently became aware of terribly (emotionally) abusive things my DH had done prior to dementia. It has made me so, so sad to think that I accepted so much because I was taught all my life to be responsible for those around me, especially my family. It's still a "work in progress" but I'm trying to stop blaming myself for what happened and come to terms with all the betrayals. I am looking for only kindness and peace now.

BarnesL

I have to agree with all these comments. I have been losing my DW for about 4 years now. I have always tried to provide the best for her and gave up what I wanted to do things she wanted. Now it seems she wants nothing. She shows occasional signs of affection but they are further and further apart. I hope i have the courage to see this through to the end , but it gets harder each year.

SDianeL

my DH is in memory care the last 6 months. I miss him so much it hurts. I miss us. Thankful for almost 39 years together, but I feel I’ve lost myself and my purpose in life. Struggling with creating a new life without him. Hugs.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/215838#Comment_215838

Hi Mrahope, It is very difficult to sacrifice what time one has on earth for someone who would not ever do so for another person. I struggle with the injustice of it. Yet, I made the decision as to who to marry and stay with so I will hang in there for as long as I can. I, like you, have been taught commitment, responsibility and compassion.

A. Marie

JC5 and all commenters, I teared up just reading my way down this thread. My DH has been physically gone for 13 months and mentally/emotionally gone for long before that, but I know that I will never remarry or have another "significant other" relationship. Yet I do sorely miss the sense that I was "first" with someone, which I had till DH started slipping away.

CindyBum

I grieve the loss of that deep love and connection so dang much. We still have our moments and I treasure them, even if they make me so sad sometimes too, knowing those will drift away too. I still think I grieve that as much as I grieve the awful path my poor DW is on and the injustice of what's happening to her.

AnnieTB

I too am really sad reading all this, but can totally relate. It’s SO lonely being in the same house with someone who has nothing to share. Our marriage wasn’t the best either, and so I don’t have a lot of amazing good memories. Day at a time, it’s such a mean disease for all.

justbreathe2

I miss my DH support and being on my own with decisions, etc. My DH is still very good to me, and is helpful as much as possible and I am thankful for this time.

Our marriage has been a loving one, but some things were different as my DH changes started to appear. I cannot ever imagine loving anyone as my DH again. He was and is my best friend.

This past weekend, I was in a slump because of several things going on…a friend passing, our 13 old dog declining health. Being around others this weekend only made me feel like some avoid me because they don’t know what to say. Makes me feel so lonely and I don’t know how to get over these feelings.

Many times like these, I so want my DH back, when he would put his arm around me to console me or talk about it. Some days like these I feel my life is over. When he sees I am quiet, watery eyes, he always ask if I am mad at him. So I put my arm around him and say no and find excuse. Tomorrow is another day.

ronda b

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216007#Comment_216007

I can understand your feelings of being avoided. I feel the same way more and more lately. Hugs to you.