Just need to vent

H1235

After more than six months two doctor recommendations and a letter of incompetence I have finally convinced my brother it time to move mom to AL. She lives with him and is home alone while he is at work. I have the DPOA but it’s hard to do things without my brother on board when he lives with her. My SIL was the DPOA for my MIL with dementia and did not include her siblings in anything (I don’t want to be like that, it wasn’t right). He still thinks she is safe at his house but has reluctantly agreed. As he finally started coming around a few months ago he told me that even if she did go to AL we have not right to go through her house and her things. He eventually saw reason, but the stress I felt from such an absurd statement was overwhelming. When I told him about the stress he was putting me through he said I really shouldn’t let myself get worked up, it not healthy. He has now spent the last month badgering mom trying to convince her that she needs to move to AL. He says it will be so much easier if she just accepts it. Of course she has not accepted and is now more angry that ever. He said she should be able to see the place so I took her for a tour(he had no interest). She still said no and was outraged by the price(no surprise there). My brother tell her that they just have to trust me that it’s the best place for her(it’s all on me if something doesn’t work out, he has looked into nothing!) I talked with him first then reserved the room she seemed to like best. He insisted she be told right away(so she could stew about it for two week). When she asked what apartment was reserved he told her he didn’t know what I had decided (putting all the blame on me). We are now 5 days to the move and he insists mom should pick out whatever she may need from the store. I’m not sure she or my brother know what she will need. They are going off a general suggestion list that AL gave us. He also wants her to go her house where she can decide what she wants to bring with her. Against my better judgment I offered to bring her to her house and told her we could stay as long as she wants. Her plan at the house was to replace her living room curtain( no understanding that there may be things there she will want for AL), but was so angry with me she said she would rather just call the local dial a ride(small town public transportation). I called to make sure they knew she has dementia and she should not be picked up. My brother offered to bring her to her house but she was angry because he couldn’t be there long. He tells her she had her chance and blew it when I offered to take her there. Like getting snippy with her is going to do any good. He now thinks we should just bring the basics to AL and wait for her to ask for specific items to decorate. I don’t think she will ask for anything to decorate, it will probably just be demands to go to her house and the need for more material (she loves/loved to sew) I’m not even sure if we will bring her sewing machine. I suppose my brother will need to ask her about that. I want her apartment in AL to be familiar and comfortable with her things. I am so stressed and it’s not even my mom with dementia that is causing most of the problems. Although mom is so mad a me she is barely speaking with me. She has recently started medication for anger so hopefully that will kick in soon.
This really is just a way for me to vent my frustrations.

M1

It is always difficult. Since you have poa, i would leave your brother out of it from here on in. Hard pattern to break, but if you can, just stop discussing any of it with either one of them. The apartment doesn't have to be perfect on day 1, you can adjust furnishings etc. as she settles in. Sounds like a good thing that she is going to be out of his house. And she'll probably forget most of this conflict if you can avoid discussing it.

ESkayP

My sister and I had one of our biggest fights ever when we were moving Mom into AL. My sister lives a couple states away, so she was really just visiting. She wanted to help, and I appreciate that, but because she's older, she decided she would be in charge. I'm the one who has been with Mom the whole time from the first stages of dementia to AL last summer to MC last fall. She didn't stay in AL very long before the nurses and director there insisted she needed MC. All the struggling to get Mom's AL apartment just right with all the things my sister thought she would want was for nothing. The truth is, Mom was so out of it during her transition, she didn't know what came from her old house nor what she had loved about it. The MC apartment is much smaller, so I had to bring most of the stuff back to my place because we'd already sold Mom's house. If you have the option to keep her things in storage while she transitions then you can slowly bring items to the new apartment that might bring her some happiness to have again. For Mom, it was out of sight and out of mind. She just didn't remember any of it. I'm not saying that will be the same situation with your mother, but I agree with M1. You really don't have to make it perfect from the get-go. You just can't anticipate in advance what her needs will be. Things will change with her new environment. Your role will change too. My sister has POA financial. I have POA medical. Together, we manage Mom's business and healthcare but the staff at the facility handles her day-to-day needs. I didn't realize what a relief that would be. The staff will look after your mother so you can be a visitor. It makes a big difference.

Emily 123

Hi Chug,

I agree with M1— some things just work better when one person calls the shots about how the move is going to go. You must be so frustrated with your brother. If you can't keep him from trying to engage your mom maybe you can move what needs to be moved and tell him it's a done deal after the fact. Keep in mind that ''less is more'' when moving someone with dementia to a new environment. It'll take her a while to adjust and start to know where things are, so more 'stuff' actually makes it harder to navigate. Keep it simple. I wanted to make my mom's place comfy too, but then had to stealthily remove things (hobby stuff, mementos) that never got taken out of a box because of the loss of executive ability. You can always take more over later.

H1235

The problem with bringing more over later is that she does not want us to go through her house (obviously we have to). If I bring something over later she will be very mad that I was going through her things.
I do agree that hobby things should be very limited.
So my brother insisted mom pick out the things she needed for AL herself. She needed a shower curtain, bath mats, new bath towels etc. He took her to Dollar General to get these things. I am furious. She is not wealthy, but really Dollar General! I have no idea what was purchased. He is oblivious to what she might need and expects mom to handle it. After she paid for him and his girlfriend lunch at McDonalds. I’m not worried about the money, and I dont think Medicaid is going to pick over $25 but there should be no gifting period. I have told him many many times no gifting. I’m responsible. After the move I’m getting her debit card.

I Just got off the phone with him, he is going to bring her to her house tomorrow so she can look for an iron she wants to bring with her to AL. I said she should not be bringing an iron. He responds you don’t think she is capable of using an iron really? He says she is packing up boxes now. Isn’t that great! Who knows what she is going to pack. I don’t know what to do.
I am ready to explode.

concerned_sister

In my perfect world, you'd get him to sit down and watch the video I've posted from the James L West Center for Dementia. He'd know her brain is undergoing changes. He'd know you can't expect a brain that is shrinking from 3 lbs to 1 lbs to continue functioning at the same level. In your shoes, I'd be chomping at the bit to respond, "You think she's capable of using an iron, really?" As we know from the Tam Cummings guide with dementia we can view the functionality of the brain regressing to what we were capable of at younger and younger ages. If not already, she'll regress to a pre-teen. Handing a youngster a hot iron and expecting nothing bad to happen just isn't rational. I feel for what you're going through.

https://youtu.be/Ccn_Wo0foeE

concerned_sister

Upon reflection, I feel foolish. "In my perfect world…", none of us would be dealing with this.

psg712

Wow, he really doesn't have a clue. I know he thinks he is helping. When my mom knew she was moving 400 miles to an AL near me, she started packing all kinds of useless things. Tons of old bras that she hadn't been able to wear since her mastectomy. Probably 50 pairs of nylons. Shoes that belonged to my late father. Basically I had to sort and pack essentials and leave the rest till I got her settled and came back to go through the house.

I empathize with the stress. I hope it diminishes after you get her settled and she (and you and your brother) adjust to the new situation.

psg712

Might want to check with the AL facility to see if she's permitted to have the iron.

H1235

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/209261#Comment_209261

No worries. In a perfect world watching the video would bring him to his senses. I have tried to get through to him in many different ways and nothing seems to work. Says he understands how dementia works, she is just not that advanced yet. Hopefully things will get better with her in AL. Although he is already talking about how nice it is that he can take her to his house to spend the night if she wants. Thanks for your support.

concerned_sister

I'm so glad your mom has you to see things more clearly.

fmb

Given the way things tend to get lost in institutional settings, purchasing towels, a shower curtain, etc. from Dollar General is not a totally unreasonable idea. As for the iron, in my DH's AL facility, residents are not allowed to have heat generating appliances. I furnished DH's AL studio apt. very sparsely and brought in a few things as desired. Because he is in a Broda chair (a very large wheelchair) and now has a Hoyer lift in his room, I'm glad I didn't bring very much. He doesn't remember much of anything about our house now. Out of sight is out of mind. If you brought things from her house later without explicitly telling her that they came from her house, would she be able to figure it out?

Quilting brings calm

I think things will be easier once you get her moved. You should tell him that mom will need a couple weeks at the AL without visitors to settle in. If you decide to go visit, don’t inform him.

Something to keep in mind- your mom gave you POA, not him. There was a reason she did that. She wanted you to make the decisions. He doesn’t need to be involved in every decision- that will be easier to do once she’s out of his house. You do not need to tell him every time you go to the house to start cleaning it out. You don’t have to ask him if it’s ok to throw away junk. Put things you’d like him to say ‘ I want or I don’t want’ in one spot and have him come review those periodically

M1

Agree with the above, you don't need to borrow trouble about how she'll react in the future. Just get her there right now and your brother's influence will hopefully fade. Don't take her to her house, now or in the future if you can avoid it. As poa you do have some authority to set the rules. You don't have to permit overnight visits, especially at first. Once she's at AL, you can also change the locks on her house if you have to and there's nothing forcing you to give your brother a key. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but your accommodating approach isn't working either. Make it easier for yourself and let him stew in his own juices.

925tsunami

H1235

Thank for all he advice. I know I have been way to accommodating with my brother. As I said before we had a bad experience with a sil with poa that did not give family information or allow us to be involved. It was a difficult situation and I don’t want to do that to my brother. He is a good person who really does want what is best for mom. He is just very misguided and unaware and uneducated about what she needs. I hate conflict, I want to work together with my brother. He is just making that so difficult. I need to just try to relax and take the attitude that however bad the move goes I can always adjust things once she is moved in and I will not need to discuss it with him. It will be harder to fix, organize, buy what she is missing and get rid if things that should have never been brought there, but I can do it. Hopefully when she has moved in and settled things will be easier.

livefree2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/209226#Comment_209226

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/209312#Comment_209312

You will feel much better when she is safe at AL. The day I dropped mom off to AL was when my health returned. The worrying over everything dissipated. I wish you the same relief. You can return to being a daughter.

Take time to know the staff and residents. They will become your support. I have made many friends with residents. I recently helped a distressed resident figure out how use her iPhone and charge it. They help me too because I can find out if mom has been going to the dining room. They will fill me in before I have to ask staff.

My mom has a sitting room outside her doorway to her room. Sometimes when she doesn’t want to leave her room to go to lobby or gazebo ( which is usually the case because of dementia)…I say Ok instead of fighting with her. I go out to the sitting room to laugh and chat with the residents. She gets so jealous and eventually leaves her recliner to come join us. It’s a win win.

Hopefully your Mom will make some new friends…and hopefully you will too! Good Luck!

H1235

My brother just called. He said he called AL and she can have an iron in her room. When we talked about it yesterday I said I didn’t think she should have an iron.This is the first call he has ever made to look into anything. He is moms hero now. He told me I cant be so controlling. I can eventually take the iron out of her room, but he will just get her another one. I am also not happy with AL, an iron is allowed but she can’t have an electric blanket. Makes no sense.

psg712

How often does she use an iron now? If you stow it in her AL closet, how likely will she be to dig it out and turn it on? I'm hoping that after the bustle of preparing for the move is past, her interest in the iron will fade. Agree that AL probably should not allow it, but it's becoming less of a useful appliance and more of a symbol of her self-determination at a time when she is giving up a lot of control. For your brother, it's an example of his unwillingness to see her situation realistically. You are the lightning rod for his anger at seeing his mom lose her abilities and her independence. So sorry you are going through this! You are courageously taking the necessary steps to getting your mom to a safe place where she will have a whole team to help. Hang in there and keep venting here if it helps you.

housefinch

I’m so sorry your family is so clueless and invalidating. I suspect your brother may get an education quickly, whether he admits it or not, in your mom’s true deficits soon. My mom (caregiver for my stepdad, PWD) is similarly in denial and recently said my stepdad wouldn’t get seriously injured in a fall because he knows how to fall the right way. I just remained speechless after that.

CaliforniaGirl-1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/209258#Comment_209258

She may not be allowed an iron in AL. I would doublecheck. Different places have different rules about fire hazards. Some places worry about leaving the iron on. I remember a whole discussion about an electric teapot when we were moving my LO. And the end result was they could get permission if it has a shutoff. But it was not a 2 second negotiation.

psg712

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/209399#Comment_209399

Housefinch, I've heard some good statements of denial, but that is one of the best!

My mom's brother, who hasn't seen her in person since before the pandemic, insists that there is nothing wrong with her. He bases this on a few widely-spaced phone conversations, during which he coaches her on appropriate responses to his questions. Never mind that she is not even sure to whom she is speaking ... I try to remember that he is also in his 80s and who knows? May have some cognitive issues himself. But still.