Just need to vent

My sister and I had one of our biggest fights ever when we were moving Mom into AL. My sister lives a couple states away, so she was really just visiting. She wanted to help, and I appreciate that, but because she's older, she decided she would be in charge. I'm the one who has been with Mom the whole time from the first stages of dementia to AL last summer to MC last fall. She didn't stay in AL very long before the nurses and director there insisted she needed MC. All the struggling to get Mom's AL apartment just right with all the things my sister thought she would want was for nothing. The truth is, Mom was so out of it during her transition, she didn't know what came from her old house nor what she had loved about it. The MC apartment is much smaller, so I had to bring most of the stuff back to my place because we'd already sold Mom's house. If you have the option to keep her things in storage while she transitions then you can slowly bring items to the new apartment that might bring her some happiness to have again. For Mom, it was out of sight and out of mind. She just didn't remember any of it. I'm not saying that will be the same situation with your mother, but I agree with M1. You really don't have to make it perfect from the get-go. You just can't anticipate in advance what her needs will be. Things will change with her new environment. Your role will change too. My sister has POA financial. I have POA medical. Together, we manage Mom's business and healthcare but the staff at the facility handles her day-to-day needs. I didn't realize what a relief that would be. The staff will look after your mother so you can be a visitor. It makes a big difference.

Upon reflection, I feel foolish. "In my perfect world…", none of us would be dealing with this.

Might want to check with the AL facility to see if she's permitted to have the iron.

I'm so glad your mom has you to see things more clearly.

I think things will be easier once you get her moved. You should tell him that mom will need a couple weeks at the AL without visitors to settle in. If you decide to go visit, don’t inform him.

Something to keep in mind- your mom gave you POA, not him. There was a reason she did that. She wanted you to make the decisions. He doesn’t need to be involved in every decision- that will be easier to do once she’s out of his house. You do not need to tell him every time you go to the house to start cleaning it out. You don’t have to ask him if it’s ok to throw away junk. Put things you’d like him to say ‘ I want or I don’t want’ in one spot and have him come review those periodically

You will feel much better when she is safe at AL. The day I dropped mom off to AL was when my health returned. The worrying over everything dissipated. I wish you the same relief. You can return to being a daughter.

Take time to know the staff and residents. They will become your support. I have made many friends with residents. I recently helped a distressed resident figure out how use her iPhone and charge it. They help me too because I can find out if mom has been going to the dining room. They will fill me in before I have to ask staff.

My mom has a sitting room outside her doorway to her room. Sometimes when she doesn’t want to leave her room to go to lobby or gazebo ( which is usually the case because of dementia)…I say Ok instead of fighting with her. I go out to the sitting room to laugh and chat with the residents. She gets so jealous and eventually leaves her recliner to come join us. It’s a win win.

Hopefully your Mom will make some new friends…and hopefully you will too! Good Luck!

How often does she use an iron now? If you stow it in her AL closet, how likely will she be to dig it out and turn it on? I'm hoping that after the bustle of preparing for the move is past, her interest in the iron will fade. Agree that AL probably should not allow it, but it's becoming less of a useful appliance and more of a symbol of her self-determination at a time when she is giving up a lot of control. For your brother, it's an example of his unwillingness to see her situation realistically. You are the lightning rod for his anger at seeing his mom lose her abilities and her independence. So sorry you are going through this! You are courageously taking the necessary steps to getting your mom to a safe place where she will have a whole team to help. Hang in there and keep venting here if it helps you.

She may not be allowed an iron in AL. I would doublecheck. Different places have different rules about fire hazards. Some places worry about leaving the iron on. I remember a whole discussion about an electric teapot when we were moving my LO. And the end result was they could get permission if it has a shutoff. But it was not a 2 second negotiation.