Obsessed with driving and threatens self harm

candiross69

Could use advice how to maneuver through telling the dementia person they can’t drive after Dr has already told them they couldn’t, license has been suspended months ago.. should we live in his world and play along with him buying a car or should we continue telling him he doesn’t have a license and can’t drive? When you tell him he can’t drive he makes remarks that he’ll stand in front of a train. Note if he doesn’t get his way he threatens self harm.. any and all help will be appreciated..

Jeanne C.

Hi and welcome. Taking away driving is a huge stressor. Definitely search past posts for driving- you'll find a ton on this topic. In my experience, arguing with a PWD doesn't work. For most things, it's best to meet them in their world and then redirect. I would humor him on buying discussions but redirect ("they're closed", "interest rates will be dropping in the fall", "supply chain issues", etc.). The threat of self harm is scary. Is he on meds? I worked with my husband's geriatric doc to adjust meds to tamp down those behaviors. Good luck - ask question here, and post when you want. This is a very welcoming and knowledgeable group.

M1

Welcome to the forum. My partner threatened to harm me over driving, and that landed her in the psych hospital and then in memory care two years ago. if you truly feel he is a threat to himself or others, then he also needs to be hospitalized and regulated on meds. You may want to discuss this with his docs and at least research which hospitals near you have geriatric psych units.

whether you play along with him on buying a car depends on whether you think he actually has the capacity to carry it through. if its just talk, thats one thing. One recent poster told a nightmare story of how her mother in assisted living called a dealership who was willing to pick her up at the facility and proceeded to sell her a vehicle, for which she wrote a check. She didn't have a license and wasn't insured, but they let her drive it off the lot.

Hope you have medical and financial power of attorney, you will need it. If you don't, talk to a certified elder law attorney as soon as possible.

H1235

If he is in AL with no credit/debit card and no checks and no ability to get to a dealership it might be best to play along in his world, but put off the actual purchase. If he still has access to his money I guess I would consider maybe it’s time to change that. A bit more background information would be helpful. I also agree that his doctor needs to know what is happening. It doesn’t sound safe for him to be alone in this condition. As M1 said medical and financial power of attorney are very important. Without these everything will be much more difficult. I hope you find some help here. All of this is so difficult.

candiross69

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/210010#Comment_210010

all the redirecting doesn’t work there are outbursts about driving, severe anxiety around as well.. the Dr has said to keep telling him he cannot drive and has adjusted meds to try to combat this behavior as well. She states it’s cruel to lead him on that he can get a car, that there is no difference in telling him he can’t drive to his outbursts of getting a car. His decline has been rapid from 1 Jan to present day. His eye sight is also blurred as well.. so there is several different reasons he can’t drive.

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

Driving was a hot button item for my dad as well. It was compounded because we couldn't remove all the cars as mom was still driving so the visual trigger remained. We did get rid of "his" car— the Taurus he bought in the early mid-stages of dementia for full MSRP while mom was undergoing TKR. The man couldn't find the hotel across the street where he had a reservation to stay while she was in the hospital but he did find the dealership. You could see the hotel from mom's room's window, but dad couldn't get there or think to ask for help.

What mom did wrong in her denial was not being proactive around this. She should have locked down their credit with the reporting bureaus and made sure he didn't have access to cash to make so large a purchase. She also should have shut down his access to the internet where he lost $360K daytrading.

Dad carried on about driving until he died. Seriously. The last thing I told him was a promise to bring his car to the MCF and leave it in the employee parking lot. At that point it was never going to happen but it made him happy. In your shoes, I might remind him of the driving ban and lavish him with empathy (Validation Strategy). Dad always felt there was some hope he might be able to drive again. I didn't have a problem letting him have that delusion— the bigger piece was keeping him from behind the wheel.

If he's not seeing a geripsych for his meds, that would be my next goal. You want a specialist in psychoactive meds. That said, suicide ideation is grounds for a psych hold that could be a Plan B to be seen by a geripsych asap. Do you live somewhere he could walk to a train?

HB