MC hookups

ghphotog

At times when I visit my DW in MC she is sitting with and holding hands with another resident. The male resident said to me that she, my DW, was his girlfriend and that she was beautiful. I think it's innocent enough and I don't think he would touch her inappropriately at least I hope not. I'm ok with them finding comfort with another resident as long as it stays harmless.

Has anyone else experienced this?

fmb

This is quite common in MC. When my father was in MC, a female resident decided that he was her boyfriend. My mother would visit frequently and always sit with my father and they would hold hands. Finally the other resident asked my mother who she was and she told her that she was Frank's wife. The other resident decided that was okay as long as she could be his girlfriend. As far as my mother knew from the MC staff, nothing ever went any further than my father and the female resident sitting together in the common area and holding hands.

JJ401

Sandra Day O’Connor retired from the Supreme Court to care for her husband who had Alzheimer’s. When she could no longer so do at home, he entered a memory care facility. Soon after he arrived there he acquired a ‘girlfriend’. While I am sure she was not thrilled, she was happy that her husband was content in his placement.

The desire to relate to someone is a human need.

ThisLife

My FIL with dementia had several girlfriends when he was in AL. No problems. My MIL had already passed. DH had a girlfriend in his first MC placement. This is not an uncommon situation. He always reassured me that they were just friends. I always took it as a need to be close to someone and comfort.

JeriLynn66

GH, my 98 year old father in law had a "GF" in assisted living. The other Resident "mean girls" were very upset. I visited with her briefly after he passed. She was weeping in the hallway "my friend is gone". It was heartbreaking. She has my phone number. I guess now I'll have to go visit with her occasionally. They were never inappropriate. In retrospect, I didn't handle that very well, as I counselled them on community perceptions. They just needed some companionship. And the "mean girls" were just jealous, petty and judgmental.

Joe C.

About 2 years when visitation was limited due to Covid the Wellness Director at the MC called me to let me know that a consensual attraction between DW and a male resident had developed. She would not tell me who the other party was but they would keep a close eye on them and try to redirect them when found together. One day when I was able to visit, DW point to a male resident and told me, “he likes me”. DW had not recognized me as her husband for a couple of years at that point and I was OK with the idea that she had a new friend. I do not believe it went anywhere beyond handholding and an occasional kiss.

MN Chickadee

My mother did this for a while; she and a male resident thought they were married. The staff kept a close eye on it and redirected a lot. I think it's common for PWD to look for and find companionship and human touch when they are so lost. After a while it passed and she mostly abandoned the notion and then the man moved away and that was the end of it. It was painful for my father, her spouse of 50 years, but not meant to hurt him and not much one can do.

sandwichone123

My grandmother forgot she hated men and had a boyfriend she would sit with and hold hands. It was sweet. My grandmother forgot a lot of the things she hated about the world and was much calmer and more accepting around stage 5-6 or so.

FriendinMaryland

Teepa Snow addresses this issue with a lot of kindness and understanding. The video clip is on youtube.

Dementia - Changes to Personal Relationships with Teepa Snow of Positive Approach to Care

https://youtu.be/WawwjB5wyMY?si=sPuCwBCXQ_Y8xRze

ghphotog

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211267#Comment_211267

Very insightful! Sounds just like my DW. I don't get upset because I know it's just that, familiarity and companionship. I'm glad she found someone even though she thinks it's me and calls him by my name. It's okay until possibly it isn't. I don't know this guys history and if might touch her inappropriately at times but I don't think it's about that.