Wits end he won’t get ready

Katcat

hubby gets up and has become a couch potato. Up at 11. It’s 1 pm and still not moving. I Said it’s showertime. Tells me 15 minutes. Still nothing. He did this Sunday when we had to be at a bbq. Waits for last moments to get ready. And I always tell him earlier than it is. Today another bbq leaving 5:30 pm. I told him 5. Does inhome care deal with this stuff. Is it time to put him in memory care. I’m sitting outside in hopes he will start getting dressed when I go back in. Suggestions please.

CindyBum

Honestly…I’ve stopped bringing my DW to these kinds of things. She doesn’t really want to go most times and I’m not going to push her anymore. If she does want to go, I plan an extra two hours for helping her get it together. Everything is slower and it’s the only way for us now.

If I want to go and she doesn’t, I’m lucky to have an in-home caregiver I can call to arrange for her to be there with my DW.

We used to be pretty spontaneous with stuff like this. Those days are gone.

Good luck!

trottingalong

I don’t force my husband to get dressed at any one time or even go social places any more. It’s a relief for him when I tell him he doesn’t have to go. He’s still able to stay alone for a couple of hours during the day. I don’t even try to leave him in the evenings. Part of his reluctance to get dressed is depression and apathy. I suggest getting dressed so we can sit together on the deck or take a short walk with our dog. But it’s never a hurry. I’ve learned that. I’ve also learned that just because they don’t do what we want or ask them to do at any one particular moment, doesn’t necessarily equate to putting him in memory care. Each of us do come to that conclusion for our own individual reasons. And that of our partners. I hope you find the solution that works for both of you. We all have those extremely frustrating days or moments.

M1

Katcat, I think it might help you to realize that he probably doesn’t understand time any more, or that there is any event that is happening at a given time. He doesn’t have the initiative to start on his own. If you want to still take him places, it’s going to be up to you to physically help him dress completely in time to get yourselves out the door. This is a very hard adjustment, but will probably lessen your frustration. There will come a point of not taking him at all, but you may not be there yet.

Belle

My DH has gone from needing 30 minutes to get ready to go out to needing 2+ hours and that sometimes isn't enough time. If I ask him to shower it's 3-7 days (!!!) before he takes one, although this week he took 2 showers for some reason. This month he took 6 showers in total but there were 9 days between two of them. It's 100% apathy. He gets up in the morning, plops down in front of his computer, and plays games and reads or watches videos online all day long. He takes a nap or two and starts the whole process over again. Some days the only activity he has is to walk to the bedroom or bathroom a few times.

As far as invites go, we don't get them any longer, he's said so many inappropriate things to people that even his closest family doesn't invite him to dinners or events. I've made my peace with it and only push showers when he has an appointment. Sometimes if I can get him to change his clothing it's a victory. Not showering is not what will push him to MC. I will consider MC if he is agitated constantly, or needing help with incontinence (I can imagine how resistant he will be based on current behavior), or if he can no longer ambulate or begins to fall. Everyone has their own criteria though but the showering issue isn't one for me.

Kibbee

I stopped taking DH to social gatherings a couple years ago. I could tell he was not enjoying them any longer. He had difficulty following or participating in group conversations, especially ones that were fast-paced with quick topic changes and often overlapping speakers. He would just sit there, clearly bored, and would soon ask to go home. So now I spare us both. I get a caregiver to stay with him, and he is safe and content at home in front of the TV. And I get a few hours of freedom and the chance to re-energize so I’m ready for the next chapter in my ongoing caregiving adventure.

Jeanne C.

I agree with M1 that he most likely doesn't have a sense of time anymore. Another thing to remember is that showering (and dressing and lots of other activities) is a multi step process that is no longer easy for a PWD. Yes, people with dementia are often apathetic. But a bigger issue may be that they no longer have the ability to take initiative and do all the things needed to get ready without help. My husband is resistant to showering or changing on occasion. But we had a lot of success with me walking him through each step (get your hair wet, rub in the shampoo, get the washcloth wet, etc.). We're past that point now, but for a while it let him keep some semblance of independence.

M1

just another minor thought on rereading, but it’s telling: it’s not that he won’t get ready, it’s that he can’t get ready…

Jgirl57

I agree with M1; my HWD/Alz lacked the initiative to start the process so I start the water going, get his stuff together and continue to prompt as needed. I use to get frustrated when I thought he was getting ready but he was just looking through things, watering the indoor plants , and anything other than getting ready. I don’t tell him anymore ahead of time , I just start the water and tell him to get in before it runs cold . He requires more and more prompting as time goes on and now I apply his deodorant, prep the toothbrush, and put shirt over his head. We also don’t attend many group social functions anymore .

Katcat

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211188#Comment_211188

thanks. If I had someone to take care of him I’d leave him home. No problem and a break for me. I’m looking into visiting angels. However he will be pissec when I have someone over. How do I handle this ?

Katcat

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211205#Comment_211205

now that makes so much sense to me. That’s what I needed to hear. If I get care for him so I can go out to a family function he won’t like this. Any thoughts?

Katcat

I’m working on caregiver but how do I tell him. He will be pissed.

Katcat

Thanks. Of course I don’t want MC but I was so frustrated yesterday getting him ready. But after reading all the posts I see that for him he can’t get ready. He can’t do this. I’m hoping I get a caretaker but he is not going to like this.

M1

I wish I had an answer for you about bringing in a caregiver. Not easy, i was worried about it too with my partner, but it became moot because i couldn't find anyone in our rural area who was willing to be covid vaccinated.

Others have suggested telling him that it's a friend who needs a job, and you're bringing them on as a favor to help you (never say that it's to help him). The first few times they come you probably need to be there too, but hopefully at a certain point familiarity will kick in and make it okay for you to be absent.

jsps139_

I have seen where other wives have told their DH that they were having help come in to clean the house and help her out. Maybe you could use that excuse and then the caregiver could pretend a little and get him involved in conversation and have a nice visit while you’re gone. Can you sneak out a back door when it’s time to go and let the caregiver take over?
Oh, the things we have to do to get a little break!!

SDianeL

To get my DH to shower, I would get everything ready, turn on the water and tell him his shower is ready. It worked. Read the book "The 36 Hour Day" - it gave me tips on how to get him to shower and the reasons dementia patients don't like to shower. As far a caregiver, I explained to my DH that I needed to go run some errands, doctors' appointments, go see my sister, etc and couldn't leave him by himself that long. He didn't like it at first, but after a couple of times, he asked me if "My lady" was coming today.