Wits end he won’t get ready

I don’t force my husband to get dressed at any one time or even go social places any more. It’s a relief for him when I tell him he doesn’t have to go. He’s still able to stay alone for a couple of hours during the day. I don’t even try to leave him in the evenings. Part of his reluctance to get dressed is depression and apathy. I suggest getting dressed so we can sit together on the deck or take a short walk with our dog. But it’s never a hurry. I’ve learned that. I’ve also learned that just because they don’t do what we want or ask them to do at any one particular moment, doesn’t necessarily equate to putting him in memory care. Each of us do come to that conclusion for our own individual reasons. And that of our partners. I hope you find the solution that works for both of you. We all have those extremely frustrating days or moments.

My DH has gone from needing 30 minutes to get ready to go out to needing 2+ hours and that sometimes isn't enough time. If I ask him to shower it's 3-7 days (!!!) before he takes one, although this week he took 2 showers for some reason. This month he took 6 showers in total but there were 9 days between two of them. It's 100% apathy. He gets up in the morning, plops down in front of his computer, and plays games and reads or watches videos online all day long. He takes a nap or two and starts the whole process over again. Some days the only activity he has is to walk to the bedroom or bathroom a few times.

As far as invites go, we don't get them any longer, he's said so many inappropriate things to people that even his closest family doesn't invite him to dinners or events. I've made my peace with it and only push showers when he has an appointment. Sometimes if I can get him to change his clothing it's a victory. Not showering is not what will push him to MC. I will consider MC if he is agitated constantly, or needing help with incontinence (I can imagine how resistant he will be based on current behavior), or if he can no longer ambulate or begins to fall. Everyone has their own criteria though but the showering issue isn't one for me.

I agree with M1 that he most likely doesn't have a sense of time anymore. Another thing to remember is that showering (and dressing and lots of other activities) is a multi step process that is no longer easy for a PWD. Yes, people with dementia are often apathetic. But a bigger issue may be that they no longer have the ability to take initiative and do all the things needed to get ready without help. My husband is resistant to showering or changing on occasion. But we had a lot of success with me walking him through each step (get your hair wet, rub in the shampoo, get the washcloth wet, etc.). We're past that point now, but for a while it let him keep some semblance of independence.

I agree with M1; my HWD/Alz lacked the initiative to start the process so I start the water going, get his stuff together and continue to prompt as needed. I use to get frustrated when I thought he was getting ready but he was just looking through things, watering the indoor plants , and anything other than getting ready. I don’t tell him anymore ahead of time , I just start the water and tell him to get in before it runs cold . He requires more and more prompting as time goes on and now I apply his deodorant, prep the toothbrush, and put shirt over his head. We also don’t attend many group social functions anymore .

I have seen where other wives have told their DH that they were having help come in to clean the house and help her out. Maybe you could use that excuse and then the caregiver could pretend a little and get him involved in conversation and have a nice visit while you’re gone. Can you sneak out a back door when it’s time to go and let the caregiver take over?
Oh, the things we have to do to get a little break!!