Memory Care

NUMber2

Well the AL facility gave my LO less than a month to get acclimated to her new surroundings. They are suggesting she be moved into MC. She's going to MC during the day and back to AL at night because they have no room for her. I think they're wrong! I think this will kill her!!! But my brother thinks it's the right thing to do. I advocated for her but I have finally decided to just stop fighting the inevitable. I am furious, sad and confused. I want her here at my house but my husband would divorce me in a heartbeat. What are my options?

M1

I think you are right to bow to the inevitable. If you look back at your old discussions, this was what a lot of us mentioned to you as a possibility a ways back. I know you are grieving her losses, but I hope you will be pleasantly surprised that she does well with the right level of support. But I’m sorry that you are having a tough time with it, truly.

Emily 123

MC is the appropriate choice for her. It's good that the AL has recognized early on that she's struggling and that they've come up with a plan to support her.

Early in the year you were wishing you could move her back to SC so that you could visit her every few months and be a daughter, not a caregiver.

Why not do that this summer, knowing that she's safe and cared for?

psg712

I dreaded moving my mom to MC too ... knew it would be needed "someday" but not as soon as it actually became necessary. Once she got there, it was so evident that she needed it. She is much more comfortable and at peace in the smaller environment with more staff support for her growing needs. Thinking about the move ahead of time was a bigger struggle for me than the actual change was for her. I hope it will be that way for your mom too.

As for bringing her to your house ... can your family provide 24/7 supervision? Watching that she doesn't turn on the stove, toss out important mail, wander down the road … including during the night? Not to mention the battles over bathing, dressing, meals. At some point, you won't be able to leave home without engaging a caregiver who knows how to handle dementia. It's harder than having a toddler because kids can learn new skills, and their ability to reason grows over time. With dementia, it's a backward slide. You are right to consider the effect of constant caregiving on your marriage as well as other relationships.

NUMber2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211629#Comment_211629

Thank you ❤️

NUMber2

❤️ I'm on my way there in a few weeks.

NUMber2

I WANT to be ready to handle all of that. I owe her something more! It's been an awful year! My actions, my fears, my frustrations, my confusion.... I'VE HATED THIS YEAR!!

NUMber2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211700#Comment_211700

I neglected to say this out loud- my head feels better, my stress is less, my life is "normal" again. I still take care of my mom, it's just not double duty. It's less emotionally draining. I guess if she lived with us that's what it would be- draining. She is happier there in SC, I have to remember that. Maybe after this experience, she might want to come back.

Quilting brings calm

You may be projecting your own perceptions about MC when you mention how you think she feels about it. Her needs are much different than yours. The structure and movement limitations that would be devastating to us give a sense of safety to a dementia patient. The wide wide world is overwhelming for them. My mom is still in AL, but being away from it is stressful for her. Even deciding what to order at a restaurant stressed her out. So trust your brother on this - and try to remember just how stressed you were a few weeks ago trying to deal with her 24/7.

NUMber2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211730#Comment_211730

I was so stressed!