New member, need support/advice

snicholson

Hello! I am new here and I am looking for any advice and support, as my 70yr dad just got diagnosed with Alzheimers. We lost my mother last August to Lewy Body Dementia and I am pretty much the primary care person left for dad. I have his POA, but still struggle with how to handle him and the things that need to happen now. For instance, driving is the first major fight that has started since his DX. He doesn't want to give up his independence and I also feel he has anosognosia. I live 40min away, work full-time, and there is no public transportation to offer assistance. Please, any advice on how to keep him from driving and also help him get out regularly (so he's not isolated) would be greatly appreciated! The case is also complicated by outside people who are taking advantage of him (having him drive them places, buy them things, etc). I know I rambled a lot, but all advice is appreciated. Thanks in advance!

SusanB-dil

Hi snicholson - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.

The key to the vehicle needs to be taken away. yesterday. That probably won't be easy with the anosognosia, but you will need to remember that safety is the ultimate goal on that. Also, with diagnosis, should anything happen, insurance would probably not pay. Besides any injuries being bad enough, he could stand to lose everything.

You have POA, and that is very good. Make sure it is activated with the bank. Is your name on his account? Maybe you could make that happen, and then cancel any debit and credit cards so he cannot buy things for others. But of course must make sure he has groceries.

It sounds like he is living alone? Is there someone you trust who could keep an eye on things? You also need to check on expired foods and that he is eating properly. Unfortunately, if he is living alone, he shouldn't be alone much longer, if that stage hasn't happened already. Are there adult care or day-centers close by - for socialization as well as at least daytime care?

Edit to add - with POA, you could probably check to see that bills are being paid, and anything that can be on auto-pay, should be. That can be very helpful.

snicholson

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69437/new-member-need-support-advice

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211669#Comment_211669

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211669#Comment_211669

SusanB-dil,

Thank you so much for your reply and the condolences! You brought up a very good point about the driving and insurance potentially refusing to pay for damages if there were to be an accident, aside from the obvious fear of anyone getting injured. I may actually be able to use that point help him understand the consequences and added risks. My husband and I have talked and are planning to disable the vehicles in some way (taking a main fuse, a spark plug, or something), as taking his keys would be a tricky fight since he always keeps them in his pants pocket.

He is currently living alone. I am planning to have a "family meeting" with him, my aunt (his sister and only living sibling), my husband, and my cousin (the only one willing to help out) to discuss the options of where he needs to be. In the meantime, I am installing some cameras to at least check in on him, along with daily texts or calls. He does have one neighbor, who was also extremely helpful when mom was on hospice, and I have already updated her and asked her to let me know of anything concerning that she notices. She also usually sees or talks to him daily, and even takes him meals from time to time. Unfortunately, there are no adult care centers close. There is a small senior center in town that he could go to, but so far he is refusing to do that. I have started reaching out to other family members, and some other folks that dad has always had good relationships with. My hope is that these people with try to visit, or at least call to chat once in a while, to decrease his isolation.

With the POA, I will take your advice and make sure that all necessary agencies have it on file. Fortunately, my mother did have me added to the bank accounts quite some time ago. She also had me help her set up autopay on most of their bills, when she realized something wasn't right with her. I basically took over all of their bills when I realized how sick mom was and found a bill that had been turned into collections. So, I am at least on top of that part of his life now. I will also speak to the people at the bank to see about canceling his debit card, that may be the only way to get him to stop spending money on these manipulators.

As for food/groceries, I will need to check his kitchen when I go over. I am sure there are probably things that are expired/spoiled, as I noticed this was an issue when mom was on hospice. I know he doesn't eat well now, unless he is out with other people. He eats well when I take him to appointments and we go to lunch/breakfast afterwards, or if someone invites him to eat with them. I will be the one taking him shopping from here on out, so I will make sure there are groceries that he can and will eat in the home. I will also start taking him some home cooked meals, or check on the meals-on-wheels program (meals delivered to seniors). My only concern with myself or a program delivering food is that I noticed he typically eats very little, or eats junk foods, if he is left alone to eat "when he's hungry."

I feel awful because I was more "on top of" certain things when mom was on hospice and dying. I was cleaning the kitchen/fridge out regularly, cleaning and organizing. I just became so frustrated because it would literally be only days for things to get out of hand again. The people taking advantage of him now were also in the home at the time, so I guess I thought it was more them just being slobs (which they are), but now I see it was also dad and apparently part of this disease. Any advice on trying to help him, by keeping up with household and food things, while also combating my own frustrations and exhaustion?

Thanks again!

M1

Clearly sounds like it's time to change his living situation. Unfortunately you can't expect him to agree, and need to be prepared to move forward with it over his objections. In addition to cancelling his debit cards i would freeze his credit with all three agencies so that new ones cannot be opened.

H1235

Anosognosia is the inability recognize their own limitations. It is very common with dementia. Trying to convince him he needs AL probably won’t work. If you ask and he says no I would just make plans for the move without his ok. It just doesn’t work to try to reason with some who does not have the ability to reason and use logic. This is very hard! If you continue to try to convince him it will probably just make things worse. Search some threads here on the subject and you may get a better understanding of how this might work. This site is an excellent source of information from people who have been through it or are in your same shoes now.

snicholson

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211731#Comment_211731

Thank you so much for your feedback!

snicholson

Thank you for your response! Yes, his inability to see what is happening with him is already proving to be a major challenge. I will take your advice and search out some other threads for advice on how to move forward in the face of these challenges. This is the support I need right now!