Tale of the phone: master manipulator?

mrahope

My DH has been in MC for about a month now. I visited him once and he actually seemed happier than he had been at home for a long time. It was a quick visit with my DDIL and granddaughter (age 3 yo). I brought him some items he had asked for and he seemed happy to see all of us, especially my granddaughter.

Throughout his stay at MC, he has kept his smartphone, but we refused to give him his laptop because of what we felt was his vulnerability to scammers, and also because DS could actually use it. He has been frequently texting me with all sorts of requests and comments (mostly very angry) during the night (like between 2 and 4:30 a.m.). Then this past Saturday (and we don't know exactly how) he apparently got into his bank account and sent me and my daughter money. We can't figure out how he did it, since DS had changed the passwords. It's possible he called the bank and gave them a sad story about traveling and needing cash. So we (on the advice of MC staff) disconnected his phone yesterday. I've already gotten a voicemail from him from the facility's phone saying how horrible my son is and can I get him to give DH control of his $$ again.

Has anyone else had this type of issue with their PWD? Is there anything else we could/should be doing? His behavior is making me very reluctant to visit, since I'm expecting another tirade about how awful DS is (or I am).

Thanks for letting me vent here.

M1

you did exactly the right thing to take away the phone. Give it time. If you’re lucky he may forget it in a while. These early days are hard. The whole first year my partner was in MC I couldn’t visit very often and never by myself. I could only go with friends and for short periods of time. How does the staff think he’s doing other times? That’s critical….

Edited to add: there are 45 residents in our facility and only one has a personal phone.

ButterflyWings

I am wondering how you can quickly get protections for the finances. Maybe a 2-part identification before accessing the accounts? And do not give him the new security question responses or passwords obviously.

The bank should also be alerted so you are not only monitoring after the fact. Once funds are gone, they are gone. I assume you canceled his cards. I also learned here, to freeze all 3 of our LOs credit access. (That is not what its called) but you are going online and FREEZING (not placing a "hold") with Experian, TransUnion and the 3rd one so your LO can't open new accounts, take out a loan or make a major purpose. It blocks him, you (or anyone who may have gotten access to his passwords or account info without permission) and might even send an alert when an attempt is made.

Heads up, when freezing his credit make sure to keep the password in a private and secure place where you or DS can access it OR you will not be able to lift the freeze when needed — without taking several extra steps and time.

Quilting brings calm

if one of you has POA that the bank recognizes, go talk to them and open a new account and then transfer the money to the new account as soon as deposits come in. Here is your problem; the bank has to honor his wishes about giving him money when he calls since his name is on the account.

mrahope

I can't thank all of you enough for your generous responses and support. @M1 I really appreciate your vote of confidence that disconnecting the phone was the right thing to do. I had a lot of guilt because this cut off a lot of his contact with DD, who lives over 200 miles away and cannot visit often. Staff say he's doing well, although he occasionally pesters them about his credit cards, which are physically out of his hands. I am now realizing that I may not be visiting often or alone for some time.

@ButterflyWings and @Victoriaredux , I created a legal, notarized affidavit (checked by two lawyers) relinquishing POA to my DS. Unfortunately, although the bank should recognize that, the bank we used in our former location has no branches in our town. The nearest one is 60 miles away, and my DS plans to go there and activate the POA with them, which they require. We are also going to need to transfer his direct deposits to our new local bank account. I already had to establish an account at that bank for myself because DH had left almost $2K in cash in the house in a suitcase! We plan to get a joint account for DS and myself so we can both pay bills on DH's behalf. And thanks for the suggestion re: the credit bureaus. That was something I hadn't thought about.

In some ways, between cleaning out his room in our home and all these financial details, this situation (placement in MC) has all the worst aspects of a death without any of the community support (except here !) that you would get if you were widowed. Sigh.

Kevcoy

First off I am amazed he can still use a cell phone and/or laptop. My DH hasn't sent a text in years or used the computer. I think he has pretty much lost the ability to make phone calls as well. The advice people here is great, take advantage of their wisdom.