Dad can’t manage finances anymore, but doesn’t realize it, and gets irritated when we try to help

Cathom

Hi, I am new here and desperate for help. This is just one example of a financial problem we are having with dad. To start with he is responsible for a cemetery trust in which he is no longer capable of managing. I have tried to get this responsibility changed , but have not been able to get someone to step in and get this resolved.
Today, he was looking at the most recent bank statement of the cemetery trust. Within the statement he got fixated on a check that he had written and had already been deducted from the account. He decided that he needed to pay the $300.00. He began to fill out a check (from his personal account) and an envelope to the Cemetery Fund Trust and the address, which obviously is his address. We tried to explain to him what he was doing, but he couldn’t understand , became frustrated, and shut down on us and went to bed . This was early afternoon. It was so sad, and I didn’t know what to do or how to handle situations like this.

H1235

Welcome. I’m glad you have found this resource. I have found it very helpful. Your dad is never going to say I can’t do this anymore. He will probably never be convinced by you or anyone else that he can’t. It is time for family to step in. He will probably be mad. Hopefully you have a DPOA. It’s going to be tough but you need to keep him safe physically and financially. I would suggest a certified elder law attorney now! Until then can you take away his check book, bank statements, car keys or anything else necessary to keep him safe?

Emily 123

Hi Cathom,

There's often a steep learning curve with the disease. One of the things to understand is that the memory loss will drive some behaviors, but the disease will also affect things like reasoning, judgement, the ability to do multi-step tasks, and the ability to initiate activity. You'll see a loss of capacity to navigate day-to-day independent living—bills are unpaid, appointments, meds, or even meals are missed. There's a heavy reliance on set routines and reminders —you may see that they don't travel or visit as much as they used to because they can't handle unfamiliarity. They'll struggle due to the losses, and will also lose the capacity to sense the changes they're experiencing (anosognosia). To them, life's just moving right along as usual. It is a long, hard row to hoe to try to convince a loved one that their reality is wrong. You usually can't, and they can become confused, angry, or disengaged if you try to insist upon something that they don't (can't) recall. A better way to spend your energy is to meet them in their reality and work behind the scenes to take things off their plate, removing triggers that will remind them of what they used to be responsible for. (For instance, with the bill—it's ok if he wrote the check—you can offer to take it to the mailbox, dispose of it, and then stealth away any residual paperwork from his desk so he doesn't try to keep paying the bill.) It sounds like he should have a power of attorney that can act in his best interests, who will handle finances and healthcare decisions for him. If dad hasn't done any fiscal planning, assigned a POA, or asked someone to have access to his healthcare information as a backup, now is the time to get that in order. In that case, a visit with a certified elder law attorney may be in order. Concerns should be raised with his physician, asking for an assessment and describing what you're seeing. There are other things that can mimic dementia, even a UTI, so a good checkup is in order. If dad's foggy and addressing his own checks to himself, then reaction times and decision making skills are likely too compromised for him to be driving. You will be tempted to try to explain the need for what you must do. Most of the time that won't work out well. The goal needs to be keeping dad physically and fiscally safe and work around him if he's not able to see the need for assistance.

Fortunately there are a lot of resources available. I recommend The Teepa Snow YouTube videos

and definitely read this:

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

The packet in this thread has a checklist of behaviors for Alzheimer's:

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/65993/excellent-handout-packet-dementia-stages-cgs-actively-dying-tam-cummings

These books:

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/65171/books-about-alzheimers-disease

This guide has a good list of resources:

https://bolddementiacaregiving.org/pdfviewer/a-guide-on-advanced-care-planning/?auto_viewer=true&display=true#page=&zoom=page-fit&pagemode=none

This:

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/66314/anosognosia-how-to-help-when-they-dont-know-theyre-ill

As well…

Moderate stage changes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs

5 losses:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0

Careblazers-How To Convince Someone With Dementia They Need Help https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rO50pVUOlbEhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncKhXQtnyfI

Stage 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coiZbpyvTNg

Careblazers-5 mistakes to avoid:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rO50pVUOlbE

M1

Hi and welcome. You can find lists of certified elder law attorneys at nelf.org. If someone already holds durable power of attorney, they should take over the cemetery trust and probably other finances right away.

Have you looked at his personal checking accounts and bills? Someone probably needs to be overseeing these also, as he is likely to do the same thing—and there was a period in which I did exactly what Emily suggested, I would review checks going out in the mail and tear them up if not needed (in the last year before i took over finances completely, my partner probably wrote over $50,000 worth of checks to animal charities. Most were never mailed, but some were before I caught on that she could no longer track what she was writing).

Another strategy—not for the cemetery trust but for personal finances—-is to go with him to his bank and have yourself added as a signatory to his checking account. this will allow you online access, such that you can put most bills on autopay and/or electronic delivery, so that he never sees them.

One way or the other, you need to get on top of this right away. There are posters here whose loved ones with dementia have lots hundreds of thousands of dollars before financial control was transferred to the family. Which also brings up another issue—if he has internet access, that likely needs to be curtailed, and you may need to freeze his credit with all three credit agencies also.