How to convince a loved one to move into an assisted living facility

techietonya

hello. I am a caregiver for my father. He currently lives alone. I live very close to him. His Alzheimer’s has progressed and I’m concerned about him living alone. I’ve had some things in place the last few years that have allowed him to remain home but his behaviors, especially late in the day, are concerning me. The whole family agrees he should go into a home and with his input we’ve chosen a home but he refuses to go. I’ve been trying to convince him now for 3 months. How can I get him to make the move?

Quilting brings calm

You fib. There’s something at the house that needs repaired and he needs to temporarily move out. Or his doctor recommends a short stay while he regains some strength. And so forth. Repeat for months until he gets settled at the AL. Some people are far enough along that they are moved without knowing about it in advance( you can read about that in lots of posts). Does anyone have durable and medical power of attorneys?

H1235

There is nothing you can say that will convince him. My brother tried to talk mom into it for a month and it just upset her. Trying to reason with a person with dementia is not going to work. If all family are on board with a fib that may work best(usually that’s not the case). My brother refused to fib. As DPOA I signed all the paperwork and we just told her she was moving. She was not happy about it. Didn’t speak with me for days, but she accepted it. I believe that if a family member is going to sign at AL they would need DPOA. My mom adjusted fairly quickly. She interacts with other residents and I think it’s good for her. I hope all goes well.

harshedbuzz

Assuming someone holds a POA or is guardian, that person needs to make this happen asap.

You aren't ever going to convince a PWD to move into AL. He likely has anosognosia and can't appreciate all of the ways in which he is unsafe to live alone.

Signaling the move will only raise hackles and make the process more difficult for you and them. It's best to spring a fiblet on them to make it happen. Some folks use a story about their home being uninhabitable temporarily because of a sewer line replacement or tenting for termites and take their LO to "this nice senior hotel" until things are fixed. We took dad to a MCF telling him it was a new doctor and that the new doctor wanted him admitted for rehab to get stronger. This allowed us to defer to our imaginary doctor as being the decision maker for returning home.

One caveat, if your dad is sundowning (agitation in late afternoon/evenings), he is unlikely to be well served by a hospitality-model AL which won't have dementia-informed care and programming or offer staffing to make routine well checks. Most ALs distribute meds, offer meals in a dining room without prompts, and minimal assistance with ADLs and are not secure.

HB

M1

agree with all of the above, If you do not hold durable power of attorney for health care and finances, you. need to talk to a certified elder law attorney right away and get it (look for lists of these attorneys by location at nelf.org). You will need it going forward. They can also help you think about his finances and assets, in case you need to qualify him for Medicaid in order to finance long-term care.

There is a saying on these boards that by the time families consider assisted living, that ship has long sailed, and what is most likely needed is memory care. That late in the day behavior is almost certainly sundowning, and is an indication that his dementia is more advanced than you think. that's okay, that's also common—all of us tend to overestimate our loved one's capabilities and underestimate their deficits.

You don't try to reason with him, you just make this happen. Period. If he won't give you power of attorney, you may have to apply for emergency guardianship, which is a more expensive process.

Welcome to the forum, you have come to a good place for advice and support.

549jb

Thank you again for all of your wisdom.

kjguardian

I have guardianship for my elderly aunt who needs to be moved to an assisted living facility; she had moderate dementia and will not agree to go. I don't think even a fib will work; I just don't know how to get it accomplished. any thoughts appreciated.

terei

honestly, you find a place, take him there for ‘lunch’ and leave. Staff at MCs are used to taking care of massaging the situation. After he is there, just tell her him dr wants him there til his health improves…repeat repeat repeat.

Klako

when I took my dad to AL after many times of trying to have rational conversations about why he needed to be there, I basically told him the doctor wanted him to go, had found the place for him and if he didn’t go I could go to jail for disobeying a doctors order. I know it sounds extreme but one minute I thought I had him onboard and then he would say he was not going. The thought of me going to jail did not suit him. Now he has been over 100 years.