Parents in AL, likely moving to MC soon and too hard to visit them

TrumpetSwan

I moved both parents to AL five weeks ago. That was difficult enough. Then last week the DoN called saying both parents seem like a better fit in MC. We met at the facility and agreed to try an increased level of care in AL "for now". After only five weeks, I did not want to disrupt my parents and with another move so asked about trying this other option first. The DoN seemed reluctant but agreed. We'll see how it goes.

When I visit my parents, they seem very disoriented, confused and immobile. Their confusion seems worse there than it was at home. I wonder if it may just be that they were getting around easier at home due to familiar surroundings and routine. Maybe they were both really this advanced and it was going un-noticed. I do not know.

My dad never had mobility issues before, but now needs a walker. Both are double incontinent now and the sofa and chair we moved from their house were constantly wet. Parents had no awareness of it and were just sitting in it. We ordered a faux leather sofa for them so it will not absorb moisture. The DoN said my parents have no awareness when their clothes are wet from urine, and are unable to bathe, groom or dress themselves. They are people who used to be immaculate in their appearance.

I saw my dad when I was at the facility for the meeting with the DoN. He was walking to the front desk with a broken plastic key card in his hand and held it up the staff at the front desk and just said "this does not work". He seemed unable to realize it was broken. I said hello to him, and he asked me for a kiss. I winced. He never asked me for a kiss, and it seemed inappropriate. I said I would hug him instead, and when I did I could smell urine as though his diaper was full. I said I would see him later and walked off. As I did, I saw him spin around and ask someone where his daughter just went.

This is hard to take. Dad's behavior as I left was more re-enforcement to me that both parents do need MC, and probably the sooner the better.

I just cannot take seeing them like this. The sight of them and the smell of them stays in my head. I feel like it preoccupies my mind and I am not fully present in other "good" areas of my life. I also cannot shake the thought that I will end up like them and is scares the daylights out of me.

I am trying to have boundaries. I am trying for balance. However, a five minute interaction with them sends me spiraling in depression for days. It just seems like this keeps unravelling, and each time I look at it for however briefly, it is ruining my life.

What do you do?

ButterflyWings

MC - the professionals have good judgment it seems, so you are doing the right thing to get them placed at the appropriate level now. My understanding is there is so much more support in MC for their current (and future) needs. Why wait even another day?

Edited for typos.

Arrowhead

While dementia can run in families, it seldom does, so it's not worth worrying about. From your descriptions, memory care would be the better option, as the level of care they need seems to be beyond assisted living. I'm sure their condition is worse than it was at home. Not because of where they are, but because that is the only direction this disease can progress. I also suggest that when your visit is over, that you try to leave while they are distracted by something else, so they don't see you leave.

M1

I think you should move them asap. They will do better with the right level of support. When they are in MC they will not be left in urine soaked clothes- it will probably be easier to visit them then than it is now. Give it a shot.

Anonymousjpl123

As someone who moved my mom first to AL and then to MC in less than a year, I can tell you they (the staff) know what they are talking about. Your parents do sound like they need MC. My experience was very much what @M1 described: it was and is so much easier to be with my mom now. SO MUCH easier. For what it’s worth, incontinence and her behavior was a big part of that. It was overwhelming and depressing. It has gotten much easier for me - and her - in MC.

fmb

I would go ahead and move them to MC. Because they have been in AL for only a short time, the move will be less disorienting now than at some point in the future. They may not even remember ever being in AL. I agree with the other commenters that the level of support in MC will be much better suited to their needs as you have described them.