Trouble Redirecting

CindyBum

Hi all,

My poor DW. She's spent the last several days crying, asking about why there is such distance between us. Like our relationship has changed and I don't love her anymore. Of course I do, it's that she is moving further along and away, but she can't grasp that. I can't seem to get her off of it. She's a former therapist, so she wants to talk it through and go see a couple's therapist too, maybe. Like that would do any good. She can barely finish a sentence, but boy is she caught in this circle. We get through it, an hour later it's back again. For the last 4 days! I am exhausted and so pained by it.

I'm hoping it's a phase that passes, but in case anyone has suggestions, I'm all ears.

Anna2022

I was a therapist (now retired) and even my current therapist has to remind me to "reassure and redirect." Her repetition may indicate how vulnerable and anxious she feels. Reassure and redirect or, as someone else here says, rinse and repeat. You can do this!

Quilting brings calm

can you ask her what advice she gave to couples she counseled? Tell her to suggest activities that you can do together- then latch on to one and redirect her. For example, if she mentions taking walks or drives together, then guide her into that. Or skip the question and say ‘ didn’t you tell couples to take walks, or drives, or do puzzles or watch a favorite show- let’s do x right now

l7pla1w2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69496/trouble-redirecting

I think my DW's manifestation of this takes the form of saying she hasn't seen me in a long time, where do I live, where have I been, would I like to live here? I think she senses a distance between us, and there is. It's self-protection on my part. No crying from her, but she is delighted when I agree to live with her.

clarinetist

My DH in memory care does this too. He’ll ask if we can get back together or get married, or, like 17’s DW, if I can move in. Over time this has faded; now it’s only once/week or so. If it were me, I would just agree that we should see a couple’ therapist, and then redirect. Repeat as needed, and hopefully this proves to be a phase.

jfkoc

I personally get a bit fatigued over this redirect solution

When I am up set the last thing I want is for someone to change the subject. How about a hug, a listen and a little understanding of how I am feeling.

Naiomi Feil hit the nail on the head when she explained validation to us. Have we forgotten about validation completely?

CindyBum

Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate the validation suggestion and the idea of using her therapist background with her. Y'all are the best.

harshedbuzz

@CindyBum

In addition to the Validation strategies which were very useful here, you might want to check yourself.

As the disease progresses, it's not uncommon for the nature of the relationship to morph away from the kind of love associated with a romantic life-partner in life to something more like the loving tenderness one might have for a young child. Sometimes even the most attentive caregiver is worn down in the moment by the steady drip-drip-drip of repetitive questions and messes created and betrays their weariness or frustration. Since emotional intelligence is preserved well into the latest stages of the disease, a PWD can sense your emotional temperature even when they can understand the context.

Medication can also help blunt getting stuck with negative feelings.

HB

midge333

This came up for me yesterday. My DW said that I didn't love her anymore. She also thought I was going to put her in a nursing home yesterday. I reassured her that I love her and I will do everything I can to keep her out of a nursing home. I do think, as HB suggested, that they sense the change in the relationship as we shift from spouse to caregiver

CindyBum

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/212298#Comment_212298

Oh, no question she feels that too. I think part of my own hurt about this is because I know on some level she is correct. I can't share with her like I used to. She can't share with me like she used to. More of our time is spent in silence and in not connecting. I'm defensive about it, for sure, because I get blamed for that silence and lack of connection. I can only fight through trying to describe my work day to her so many times in an evening. I can't always elevate myself to get there.

I can't believe it took me this long to also realize I am recovering from COVID and have had to sleep in another room for the last two weeks. She can't really track time or remember I'm sick, so she thinks I'm just avoiding her. Amazing how foggy my own brain has become that it took me days to realize that it is likely influencing her sense that we're "drifting apart".

My DW has always had a super high EQ. She will sense every little change in my own mood before I even know it's happening. Lol. Clearly, my EQ isn't quite as high.