How to deal with an abusive parent with dementia

VickyS

Hi everyone, I am new and am glad to be here. My 92-year-old mom has mid/late-stage dementia. She was verbally abusive (and sometimes physically) most of my life. I am now 52 and have had counseling over the years to deal with her abuse. However, she now has mid/late-stage dementia and is getting both physically and verbally abusive. And because it's already in her nature to be like this, it's challenging to deal with it - very re-triggering. I am seeing a therapist, but I could use advice from anyone who has actually dealt with this. She is in assisted care; however, my sisters and I still help her with things the facility doesn't help with and take turns visiting her each week. Does anyone have any tips for dealing with verbal/physical abuse of a parent with dementia when you have dealt with it on and off your whole life? It's been so hard, and I don't know how much more my sisters and I can take. Thank you!

harshedbuzz

@VickyS

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

Dementia sucks, but being caregiver to a parent who was not the person you needed and deserved is a next level of suckitude.

Good for you for addressing this with a professional and prioritizing your own emotional health.

I had a less-than-ideal childhood. I was not dad's favorite child and saw sides of him no one else did until he totally lost his social filter. For mom and others, it was a kind of welcome to my world vindication rather than triggering as his fangs had been pulled and I would come out of this in one piece.

What helped me was to compartmentalize. I focused on the idea that most folks are doing the best they can. I focused on his behavior being a function of what was wrong with him rather than any of my own shortcomings. Whether his behavior was driven by dementia or mental illness was trivially interesting but not particularly important in terms of care.

It sounds like your sisters are as burned out by this situation as you are. Would a higher level of care make it possible for your visits to be less care focused? When dad was in MC, about the only hands-on caregiving mom did was trim dad's fingernails— aides weren't licensed to, and the podiatrist only did toes. This might allow you to have an easier visit. I also found it helpful in the early days of MC, to restrict visits to public areas of the facility because dad was just with-it enough to behave for others. Sometimes visiting in pairs to support one another helps.

HB

VickyS

Thank you for your response. This was all very helpful. We can not afford an MC, but she is now in a nursing home, and it is helping us not to have to do as much. Your suggestion of visiting her in public areas is a good one, I will try that. She is going through a very paranoid/rage phase right now, so we are working on adjusting her meds and going on an antipsychotic. Thank you again, it was very helpful!

Marta

Yes! Antipsychotics can be tremendously helpful, both for her and for her loved ones and caregivers. Let us know how it goes.

housefinch

I grew up with a father similar to @harshedbuzz and have needed significant therapy to address his behavior which my siblings did not witness and still think I should “just get over.” I would really recommend whatever boundaries you can set for yourself on visiting until hopefully your mom is more pleasant when medicated. She might not remember how long it was since you visited, and your mental health matters. Hugs and strength to you.

VickyS

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/212488#Comment_212488

Thank you. It helps to hear these stories.

VickyS

I'm also very sorry you've been through abuse, too. Therapy helps a lot, and I also wish you much strength.

harshedbuzz

@VickyS

Seroquel was a lifesaver for our family. I hope the medication helps dial back the emotions that drive this behavior.

HB

VickyS

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/212534#Comment_212534

Thank you so much, I will ask the doctor about it.😊

Lynn24

Same for my mother. Seroquel has helped us tremendously. Her abusive behavior has become very minimal.

Anonymousjpl123

Seroquel helped my mom immensely. I would say that therapy is so key, as is the ability to keep your boundaries. You can be a good caregiver, but you cannot fix your mom or her brain. I have found against all odds that this caregiving journey - and having to make sure that my mom is well cared for and loved without tolerating abuse - has been a growth experience. I will also say that I needed extra support from everywhere I could find it.

You can limit visits and calls to when you can handle it emotionally.

You can find time to connect to yourself and your life and your own healing. It won’t change the trajectory of her illness, and in fact it will help you better compartmentalize and focus on what she truly needs.
I posted here a lot. I found it helped me to vent to people who understand.

Jo C.

This is indeed a difficult situation in which old tapes from days gone by are being re-run; i am sorry for what you are enduring - you are a very kind and caring daughter, and even though she is not able to realize it; she is blessed to have you by her side in caring about her despite the sad dynamics of your growing up years.

It would be a good idea to have her checked for a "silent" UTI, and also to have her meds reassessed by the professionals to assess whether there may be unwanted effects from some being used together.

My mother had some similar dynamics and even though we know dementia is driving the train, it can still be hurtful and can sometimes even make us feel like a 10 year old again. My one self-rule was to always visit in the public rooms, NOT alone in her room. To visit in private caused dreadful, hurtful behaviors. When in a more public area, the behaviors were far, far less negative.

Having experienced some of this, the most important step taken for mother, was to have appropriate medication to assist her - imagine; if she is driving you to distraction and being hurtful, she too is feeling the deep degree of negativity inside herself and it is of course upsetting to her without the mental skills to understand or manage the dynamics. She simply blindly feels whether appropriate or not. Appropriate, effective medication was key to everything else for my mother. Consulting with the dementia MD and looking into a low dose of antipsychotic to start and adjusting as needed with the MD input was a very good place to start. At first I resisted that, however; when I finally permitted the antipsychotic medication and quickly saw the very positive changes, my only regret was that it had not been started sooner.

It is also good to remind ourselves that we need not visit every day - once a week or a few times a week for shorter rather than for longer visits may be more helpful when things are very dicey. One not even need to visit once a week, it is up to the circumstances that exist and how one feels. Even though a visit may be short; even if an hour or less, if abuse surfaces and cannot be modified, it is best to simply make no comment and leave. Her filters are no longer in place, her brain no longer functions "normally," and this of course has a distinct part in all of the behaviors that are showing. You need not stay and subject yourself to abuse. It is up to you. And of course, if the negativity begins abruptly and persists, be sure to have her checked for a UTI.

I am sorry for the heartache; I understand. For us, as the disease advanced and when it got to far later stages, that behavior finally left my mother; and that was a blessing for sure - able to breathe freely in her presence once again and permitted sweet visits.

Let us know how you are and how things are going; warmest of thoughts are being sent your way.

J.