How to deal with an abusive parent with dementia

@VickyS

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

Dementia sucks, but being caregiver to a parent who was not the person you needed and deserved is a next level of suckitude.

Good for you for addressing this with a professional and prioritizing your own emotional health.

I had a less-than-ideal childhood. I was not dad's favorite child and saw sides of him no one else did until he totally lost his social filter. For mom and others, it was a kind of welcome to my world vindication rather than triggering as his fangs had been pulled and I would come out of this in one piece.

What helped me was to compartmentalize. I focused on the idea that most folks are doing the best they can. I focused on his behavior being a function of what was wrong with him rather than any of my own shortcomings. Whether his behavior was driven by dementia or mental illness was trivially interesting but not particularly important in terms of care.

It sounds like your sisters are as burned out by this situation as you are. Would a higher level of care make it possible for your visits to be less care focused? When dad was in MC, about the only hands-on caregiving mom did was trim dad's fingernails— aides weren't licensed to, and the podiatrist only did toes. This might allow you to have an easier visit. I also found it helpful in the early days of MC, to restrict visits to public areas of the facility because dad was just with-it enough to behave for others. Sometimes visiting in pairs to support one another helps.

HB

Yes! Antipsychotics can be tremendously helpful, both for her and for her loved ones and caregivers. Let us know how it goes.

@VickyS

Seroquel was a lifesaver for our family. I hope the medication helps dial back the emotions that drive this behavior.

HB

Same for my mother. Seroquel has helped us tremendously. Her abusive behavior has become very minimal.

This is indeed a difficult situation in which old tapes from days gone by are being re-run; i am sorry for what you are enduring - you are a very kind and caring daughter, and even though she is not able to realize it; she is blessed to have you by her side in caring about her despite the sad dynamics of your growing up years.

It would be a good idea to have her checked for a "silent" UTI, and also to have her meds reassessed by the professionals to assess whether there may be unwanted effects from some being used together.

My mother had some similar dynamics and even though we know dementia is driving the train, it can still be hurtful and can sometimes even make us feel like a 10 year old again. My one self-rule was to always visit in the public rooms, NOT alone in her room. To visit in private caused dreadful, hurtful behaviors. When in a more public area, the behaviors were far, far less negative.

Having experienced some of this, the most important step taken for mother, was to have appropriate medication to assist her - imagine; if she is driving you to distraction and being hurtful, she too is feeling the deep degree of negativity inside herself and it is of course upsetting to her without the mental skills to understand or manage the dynamics. She simply blindly feels whether appropriate or not. Appropriate, effective medication was key to everything else for my mother. Consulting with the dementia MD and looking into a low dose of antipsychotic to start and adjusting as needed with the MD input was a very good place to start. At first I resisted that, however; when I finally permitted the antipsychotic medication and quickly saw the very positive changes, my only regret was that it had not been started sooner.

It is also good to remind ourselves that we need not visit every day - once a week or a few times a week for shorter rather than for longer visits may be more helpful when things are very dicey. One not even need to visit once a week, it is up to the circumstances that exist and how one feels. Even though a visit may be short; even if an hour or less, if abuse surfaces and cannot be modified, it is best to simply make no comment and leave. Her filters are no longer in place, her brain no longer functions "normally," and this of course has a distinct part in all of the behaviors that are showing. You need not stay and subject yourself to abuse. It is up to you. And of course, if the negativity begins abruptly and persists, be sure to have her checked for a UTI.

I am sorry for the heartache; I understand. For us, as the disease advanced and when it got to far later stages, that behavior finally left my mother; and that was a blessing for sure - able to breathe freely in her presence once again and permitted sweet visits.

Let us know how you are and how things are going; warmest of thoughts are being sent your way.

J.