LO in memory care asking for credit cards, cash and driver license

TrumpetSwan

I moved both parents to assisted living two months ago, and they are now saying both parents need to move to memory care. I am planning for that move shortly.

Since they moved two months ago, both parents have been confused and disoriented. I have been holding my dad's wallet that contains a credit card, cash, both of their driver's licenses and health insurance cards. I figured they would not be requiring any of those items in the near term and I did not want my dad to lose his wallet or worse, have it somehow get into the wrong hands. I thought when they settled in and became more oriented, I would return it to my dad. Well, the "settling in" has not yet happened.

My dad has left me two very angry voicemails telling me he has nothing with him to be independent. He swore at me in the message asking "What the H*** is going on". He said he needs to buy groceries and beer. First of all, my dad does not even know the way around the local area and does not have a car to drive anywhere. Second, if he took a ride service, he still does not know the area enough to tell a driver where to go and he does not recognize the outside of the Assisted Living building and would be unable to know when he has returned back.

He is asking for their licenses, cash, their checkbook, and credit card. What is a good approach to handle this? Do I give him printed copies of their licenses and perhaps a debit card if he wants to make purchases?

Jeanne C.

Do you have POA? If yes, then do not give him those items, just deflect and redirect. I'm hoping someone with more experience will jump in. But I will say that I don't think it's wise to let him have them back.

JeriLynn66

As Jeanne says, I would continue to re-direct. If both parents are now needing memory care, they have no need for those items. Any kind of credit or debit card will open the risk door for scammers. And, if they should need insurance cards, you will be with them or the facility will send that info if an ambulance is called. And I would question the wisdom of alcohol in the current situation.

I took all my late father in laws' identification, social security card, credit cards etc while he was still in Independent Living as he was becoming even more forgetful. And I worried that he would give out his credit card number to a random solicitation call.

SusanB-dil

Agree on the redirect…

However… that being said, for a while, MIL wanted the same (we are now past that stage). We allowed her to hold onto her wallet - with one of those Visa gift cards in it (was actually an already-used one). They look a lot like a regular credit card. Also just a few dollars in it, and she was happy. We told her that her driver's license was expired and we would have to go get an ID to replace that ('maybe next week', repeat as necessary). Meanwhile, DH has DPOA and had the real license and her bank-card we used for her groceries.

Phoenix1966

I second on the Visa gift card. Also, because my grandmother’s eyesight was so bad, she could not read that it was not her name on the other cards I stuck in her wallet. I used those pseudo credit cards that tend to come as offers in the mail.

terei

I let my mom keep expired credit cards + checks from a closed checking account. I would say the drivers licenses somehow got misplaced + you are searching for them…repeat, repeat, repeat. Also, if they have their own phone, disable any ‘one button’ calling. If my mom could not figure out how to dial the full number, she did not need to call. She talked to me when I called her. If there is an emergency the facility will contact you.

H1235

I agree with all the above. I think the idea of an expired card or a used gift card is a great idea. If you have an old insurance card I don’t think that would be a problem, I’m not sure. If there are other cards that are expired or not important (old membership cards to a local store, or ID card from a former job, old library card) that might help fill the wallet a bit. I don’t think it would be good to give them their driver licenses even if they have expired (just doesn’t seem like a good idea). I would definitely not give them an active state ID or drivers license. Checks from an old account also seem like a good idea. You said something about a debit card if he wants to make purchases. Where is he going to make a purchase? If you bring him to the store is he really going to make a purchase that makes sense? If you suggest he doesn’t need a toaster?? ? or whatever that will probably cause problems(I’m speaking from personal experience). If they are moving to MC it seems even less likely that he would have an opportunity or a need for a debit card.

fmb

DH always wants money to tip the hairdresser at his ALF. She is not allowed to accept tips, but I don't tell him that. Each time he asks, I tell him that the facility does everything the "newfangled way" with it all being computerized, and that I take care of it when I pay his monthly bill on the computer at home. He accepts that since I have taken care of our bill paying on the computer for years.

The ALF has a little store for small toiletries and sundries. They use a community scrip that they created, printed, and laminated. Residents earn scrip "money" by participating in activities or being caught doing "good deeds" (with the definition tailored to the ability of the particular resident). This eliminates the need for cash or credit cards unless the family wants the resident to have them. With the number of staff and sometimes wandering residents in and out of the usually unlocked rooms, keeping any sort of valuables or ID in their rooms is not a good idea.

michiganpat

My sister always wanted her own money in the nursing home. I bought fake money on Amazon and gave it to her. It looked so real I had to warn staff it was fake. My sister never knew the difference and she was satisfied.

Quilting brings calm

once they get moved to MC, tell them the residents aren’t allowed to have certain things onsite because things might disappear. So you will hold onto them- and that you will be happy to make whatever purchase he wants - ‘when you get time’. and that only a limited amount of cash is allowed for daily needs.

When he starts getting belligerent about it - tell him you have an appointment you forgot about and say your goodbyes. You can’t make them happy- you can only try to keep them safe.

TrumpetSwan

Thank you, everyone for your replies. Great ideas here. The redirect, the used gift cards, "pseudo-fake" money or gift cards are all good.

I spent the morning putting some of this together in his wallet. I removed all the real credit cards, drivers license and insurance cards. When I put the 'fake' ones in place, it ended up looking surprisingly real. If he loses his wallet now, there will not be much anyone could do with it and it will not impact anything.

Probably not so surprisingly, I was so proud of myself for putting all this together for him and happily handed it over to him, but he barely even seemed interested. I guess his moment of panic about being powerless had passed, at least for the moment. I feel better now knowing I at least addressed this aspect and have a plan when it comes back around.

Thank you.

SDianeL

My DH was worried about his wallet also. I took his driver's license, credit & debit cards out and told him I was going to keep them safe until he came home. He wanted money to tip people at meals. I told him it was free and he didn't have to tip but he did ask a few times so I left him a few ones in his wallet. Another problem with giving them a wallet is that things in Memory Care go amiss. People walk in to their rooms and take things, or the residents leave them somewhere. Eventually he stopped asking about his wallet.