death, aftermath, touching back down to earth

pookabera

Hi everyone,

I always had the intention of returning to this forum and all of you once I'd had some space to process my grief. But it turns out, I don't think my brain is processing it! Unless it is.. and I just don't know it. I was wondering if posting here would help unlock the box of grief my brain has been quietly keeping under lock and key, and it might. This is going to be a long post (as mine often are).

I read back through my long thread where I posted through his death and the actively dying stage and I truly cannot thank you all enough for the support and virtually hand holding you provided my mom and me. I scarcely remembered the details of that week, but clearly remember how reassuring all your messages were (and are).

So, here I am. 2 months later.

To say my dad passed "unexpectedly" is obviously not accurate and borderline humorous - but my mom and I were in that strange twilight zone of no sleep and grief and all of that and she asked if I wanted to try taking his blood pressure. We wanted any sort of information to hint at how long he had left. We were at E, beyond E - fully running on fumes. I'd bought a BP cuff to use on him years ago when he had a fall and an episode the week of my wedding. I went to grab it, was climbing off the chair, was going to make a joke and my mom shushes me. We'd been shushing each other and making meaningful eye contact for days at that point, unused to how long he could go in between breaths. But we stood there outside his room staring at the floor waiting for the next one and there wasn't one. We've been joking that he didn't want to deal with us hens prodding at him anymore.

We waited for a hospice nurse to get to the house. She was very nice, except for the fact she said one of us might have to help move him around if she couldn't do it herself and I considered if I had the energy to get mad enough to yell. And then she left and we waited for the funeral home people to show up. There was a very strange conversation about how they had an employee who would hear people talking while she drove the van alone and I really didn't need any more heebie-jeebies than I already had.

And then my husband picked up me, my mom, and my nephew and took us to get ice cream. It must have been pretty late at night because we drove pretty far away for a place that was still open. I remember it was really cold outside too. I can't remember if I went home or spent the night with my mom.

We had his memorial at a restaurant in the town he grew up in and I got to see some of his old work friends from he was a telephone lineman. One friend he was particularly close to was there before I got to the restaurant and hugged me and I almost lost it. I have 5 living uncles who are all very good at being present and available for the first little while after something like this happens, and it was nice to feel that.

In the time since my dad passed, my mom has ventured out of the house she has been in almost constantly since 2020 (and 24/7 except for 2 occasions those 9 months after my dad fell). She went with me on my first work trip (nothing too exciting, it was only one night), we stayed in a nice hotel and explored Grand Rapids. She's started going on walks every day (I join her sometimes). We planted our 2024 garden and she's started landscaping again. There are lots of flowers, which is something I remember from my childhood. We have been out to lunch with friends, visited family, and went to a baby shower. My mom's neighbor (the daughter of the couple that lived there before, all of whom were friends with my dad. I spent a lot of time over there as a kid) has gotten more and more friendly with my mom. Her partner has dementia/Alzheimers and I think getting to chat with my mom helps. We've had my other nieces and nephew and over a couple times, which is always equally delightful and exhausting.

I finally trimmed my hedges. That's one of my agreed upon chores (my husband mows + a million other yard chores). I've been going to the gym - doing the treadmill thing and some strength training (I curled my husband's 25 lb dumbbell last the other night and we were both shocked). I've read 3 books so far, I've been journaling semi-consistently. I tried grief counseling but honestly, at this point I'm an expert in grief - I just haven't figured out this particular brand of it yet. I have lost so, so many loved ones in my short time as an adult. I would very much enjoy a year of peace and quiet.

I'm back in contact with a friend of my dad's family. She's in her mid-90s and was at the hospital when my dad and his sister were born. My grandmother lived with this friend's family after she was orphaned by the 1918 Spanish flu epidemic. She'd like to meet me and always asks me to describe what I look like (she thinks I'm going to look like my Grammy - she's only seen pictures from when I was little).

My dad is everywhere. I know people say that all the time, but good golly is it true with him. I have been inundated with him the past couple weeks. The bucket trucks, the radio, the smell of freshly cut grass, thunderstorms. My husband came over to my mom's house to watch the solar eclipse with us and he'd brought a PBR to drink while we loitered outside. My mom saved it and it now sits on top of her little curio cabinet in her kitchen (my dad's beer of choice when I was a kid).

And now, I'm going to share a few photos :)

My dad and his mom, looks like early late 50s before he went in the air force. This is the house my husband and I live in now.

Our (my parents') backyard. Both those trees are gone now, one was a cherry tree. I drove that lawn mower into a ditch once. He accidentally hit my playset with the boat when he was towing it into the backyard. He used to put a beer in each tree in the yard (the house is on an acre) and trade out the empties while he mowed.

At the neighbors'. We used to sit in their second garage in the backyard or on their back porch while it stormed. I spent a lot of time outside with no shoes on, just exploring.

He loved to be outside until the heat got to be too much for him. Lots of sitting outside, playing catch. I think I this was either my senior year or my first year of college.

—I hope everyone has been doing well and holding in there okay. I'm planning on returning to the forum more consistently.Thank you again, you are all very appreciated.

harshedbuzz

Thanks for checking in and sharing your pictures.

HB

Phoenix1966

The beers in the trees made me laugh.

Thank you for sharing all this with us. I hope you continue to heal. It can be a slow process and sometimes it’s hard to see that anything’s changed. But it is and it will continue to.

SusanB-dil

Hi pookabera - Thanks for 'coming back'.

You take as much time as you need to process everything. It sounds like you are starting to get out and do more, and that is good. And starting to reminisce and remember better times with dad is great.

GothicGremlin

@pookabera I understand where you are. 2 months for you, 3 for me. It's an odd time - wrapping up someone's life, and beginning to move on with our own, after so long. And then the intensity of caregiving. I don't know about you, but it's taken me awhile to calm down from all of the stress.

I think we all 'process' in our own ways. You're probably processing - coming back and posting is a form of 'processing', I think. It felt (and feels) that way to me, anyway.

Jgirl57

pookabera, thank you for sharing this update . I think you probably are processing and as GG said, it is different for everyone and I think for different relationships. My mom passed away 8 years ago from heart issues and it was after 5 years when I felt that awful deep feeling of grief. The practical side of life took over and then “wham” 5 years later I was crying and just really wanted to talk with her. The photos you posted are really sweet. Hugs to you as you continue through “stage 8”.

JeriLynn66

Thank you for sharing your Dad with us. ❤️