waste of time and energy

M1

Hardly know whether to post this, I think I am just venting and looking for validation from people who understand. Right after my partner fell in early June, there was another attempt by her old "frenemy" to visit her without notifying me first. Fortunately the password system at the front desk worked and they didn't let her in. They told her she would need to check with me first, and she responded "that's the last person I want to talk to." Now—as if I needed the distraction—I get a letter from her partner asking for the password. No apology, no inquiry as to how I am doing or how she is doing. Just a request to please text them the password so they can visit.

I feel like no response would be passive aggressive. But geez, really? Like I need this on top of everything else. So after sleeping on it, I am composing a brief text to say that she isn't up for visitors (which is quite true) and a request to respect her desire for privacy. But honestly I feel like telling them to shove it, I don't owe them anything, and am incredulous at their selfishness. Is this as weird as I think it is?

Denise1847

As I read your post, I begin to sizzle at the arrogance and insensitivity of these people. You are taking the higher road and that is best for you and your DW. I am always amazed at the oblivion of people who have no self-awareness of their actions.

sandwichone123

I would not suggest giving any information, even so banal as, "not up for visitors." These folks are out of control. Perhaps, "that information is not available."

trottingalong

I have had something similar like this happen, but in a different situation. After much deliberation I chose not to respond. My thought was, by responding, it keeps the door open for the other person to continue to “push” for what they wanted. When I did not respond, the correspondence stopped. Sometimes silence is the best answer.

Jeanne C.

You're a better person than I am. I'd be giving fake passwords and letting them make repeated trips for nothing. "Oh, did I say 'loser'? I meant 'pound sand'."

midge333

I would take the high road and just say she isn't up for visitors. That said, I totally understand wanting to tell them to pound sand.

jfkoc

I actually told Dick's out of state children that their father was not up to visitors. They had little contact with their father but somehow heard he was on hospice so they wanted to say goodbye. Nope. I told each that a letter would be nice…crickets!

M1 …you have always done what is best for your partner. You will always do what is best and that is all one can do.

Beachfan

NO! I am usually an advocate of “taking the high road”, but something is fishy here. Someone tried to sneak in without your knowledge, someone does not want to speak with you, someone tries to manipulate the situation through third party intervention- - NO! You have enough on your plate; you owe them nothing. Ignore them; they’ll go away. They’ll probably bad mouth you, but hopefully, they’ll go away. Good luck; stay strong.

Dio

I'm with Beachfan…don't bother with a response. People with this type of suspicious behavior will take your response and make a mountain out of it and use it against you. Oh, they'll figure out a way alright.

Just this: You never got their note. Never saw it, period.

Not worth your energy or time. I've had to fend off people like them, too. They'll say things to DH and turn him against me, such as "why are you in here? You should be home. We'll get you out of here." Or worse yet, convince him to redo his DPOA or trust. Sneak something here and there for him to sign. NO. DON'T bother with these people.

Belle

Honestly I'd block their numbers and/or email addresses and be done with them. It might be worth asking the facility what they would do if they show up again without your permission. DH and I blocked someone from visiting his LO at MC (not a relative and too long of a story for here) and even ended up consulting with an attorney as they were providing false information about who they were in order to find out about our LO's status - both financial and health wise. We could have pursued a restraining order but blocking them seemed to work. I think you go with your instincts about them, you are probably correct.

M1

thanks for the feedback, that’s why I decided to post about it. I think you’re right, no response is best. The password system worked and hopefully will continue to. I think the front desk is fully aware and I will tell them there have been further attempts. It is just weird. Helps to know others have had similar experiences. It is indeed the last thing I need right now.

JoseyWales

M1 - I have to agree with others that no response is what I'd do. And I think I'd block their number. There's no reason for you to have another text that you feel you need to respond to.

easy23

I always like to bid the devil the time of day. If it were me, I would tell them that she is not up for visitors. Case closed - no further contact.

GothicGremlin

I don't know that it's "weird", but it sure is fishy, and selfish. This person tried to bypass you, and instead of talking to you, got a third party to intervene on her behalf, with no thoughts to your partner's well-being, or your well-being. I don't trust these two.

Usually I try to take the high road with people, but this is beyond the pale. I'm with the folks who said you owe these people nothing. I'd let staff at your partner's memory care facility know though — just in case she shows up again and tries to get in ("oh, I forgot the password, but M1 said it's okay if I visit").

Phoenix1966

Ditto here about radio silence. If you respond and give any kind of explanation, they will push back. Block them and do exactly what you said, regarding the additional warnings to the MC. The MC where my grandmother stayed was quite used to nefarious people trying to “visit” with notary public folks, etc. and respected the “no visiting policy” I wanted for my grandmother(she had unfortunately been scammed by a lawyer she met well into her dementia journey and he was a persistent sucker) other than the named individuals I authorized.

​fesk

No advice to give. Sorry that you are dealing with this on top of everything else.

ghphotog

Not sure why your restricting visitors but I know you have reasons that are important.

I'm always glad when friends, family and coworkers visit my DW in MC. None of them will trigger her negatively. When I sign in I like to see someone else has signed in to see her besides me. That's just me. I probably should reread these posts a little more carefully before I post a response.

ButterflyWings

Very sorry to hear this has happened again M1. I have predatory haters in our situation as well and understand how important it is that you stop the madness as soon as possible.

I think you will make the best decision on exactly how to heighten the restriction on these two people, if I recall the number correctly. This is so problematic and beyond disrespectful of you both. Even moreso since it is a repeat of trying to force themselves on someone who cannot say "no", attempting again to bypass you (life partner, POA, primary caregiver). Oh no she didn't!

So, my first instinct was like Jeanne C. and the passwords that came to mind were anything but the high road. More like K.I.S.S.M.Y. (blankety blank) or G.O.2 (u know where)! But more rationally, I would probably use a combination of the things almost everyone here has suggested, and…

1. Respond clearly - once - e.g. "Please do not continue to overstep. No visits."
2. Then block them, as you do not need to be harassed by these hostile jerks - nor does your LO
3. Give their names again, and possibly photos, to management to reinforce that under no circumstances are they to visit her. Make sure they will alert any/all reception staff.

I would have no qualms about getting a restraining order if they try again. As before, this does not pass the smell test. If you have to take that legal step next, then the written notice in #1 will help verify that they have been clearly told "No" but are expressly disregarding your instructions as her POA and surrogate guardian.

Joe C.

M1, You don’t need this hassle on top of everything else. I might be a little stronger than “she’s not up for visitors”, this sort of leaves to door open that in the future she might be. Perhaps saying she is not interested in seeing you now or in the future might get the point across. I also agree with the recommendation that you let the facility staff know these people are not to be allow in for visits.

M1

More food for thought. I can see the argument for responding once. That would document that I did specifically tell them to cease and desist. I'm going to sleep on it another night….

jfkoc

I would respond, in writing. I would thank them for caring. Then say that unfortunately it is best to no longer have visits.

LJCHR

I agree to block their numbers. I had to do this to our nephew. He was causing such an upset.

My question is why would your partner ask for the code? Were they able to get a message to her?

Stick to your guns and don’t bother to respond and block their numbers? Also, does your partner have a phone? If so. I would block the numbers on that phone too.

Sounds harsh and not what we would normally do, but you have to protect your partner.

fmb

Always remember: "No." is a complete sentence.

Quilting brings calm

I would not respond further. I don’t think I would block them as you might want to know if they start making statements that sound threatening. I’m glad that the facility can handle them via a password. What is their policy of these people start making a scene or somehow involve law enforcement? Will they feel obligated to let them in? If so, I’d ask your lawyer what you can do to prevent that.

GothicGremlin

Those are good questions, @Quilting brings calm .

Policies all differ.

The policy at my sister's memory care facility was that staff looked at what was best for the "health and well-being" of the resident. So in my case, if I told them that someone was affecting Peggy's health and well-being, and that I didn't want that person visiting, when the person showed up to visit, staff would tell that person that Peggy couldn't receive visitors that day. They'd keep on doing that for as long as necessary, until I said otherwise. They told me that no court order was required. My situation resolve itself, so I never had to find out what would happen if the unwanted visitor demanded that they see Peggy.

Buggytoo

Geez! How annoying! I think I would say we are no longer accepting visitors beyond immediate family and close friends.

White Crane

As if you needed anything else to deal with! Personally, I would not respond. It would be hard for me not to but I think any response might just trigger them to keep trying. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

tigersmom

@M1 , I concur with those who advise blocking. Block their email addresses, block their phone numbers, and don’t respond. There are not enough hours in the day to spend any time dealing with stuff like this, especially with what you are you partner are currently experiencing.

Caro_Lynne

My first instinct was also to not respond, however, I think they may just keep attempting to visit her or keep contacting you. Hence, a reply indicating that she/they respect her wishes, and that it is in her best interest. I would let them know that you will not be responding to any further requests. I wish you the best. Let us know how it goes xo

justbreathe2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69731/waste-of-time-and-energy

Think I would say your partner is no longer accepting visits from you now or in the future. We ask that you do not bother the nursing home, or waste their time as they are following our instructions legally.

frankay

M1- yes, this is as weird as you think it is. What do you suppose they want to accomplish by a visit to someone who most likely will not know them or be able to communicate with them? Sounds to me like they're trying to pick a fight with you. If they care that much about her, I guess they'll have to "talk to the last person they want to" - (you) to get some information about how she is doing. Some nutty people out there or maybe just clueless!