Went looking for love

Crkddy

Well I did something I'm not very proud of, but I'm getting to the end of my rope. I have been so lonely and in need of companionship. DW is late stage and we are in year 7 of this journey. I'm still relatively young at 65. I decided to go onto one of those dating websites to see if I could find someone willing to spend time with me knowing my situation as a full time care giver for DW. To my great delight I did find someone. We got to know each other quite well via text and phone calls, and we arranged a visit to my home. This sweet person appeared to be all in, but then she saw the reality of my situation and decided it wasn't for her after all. Now I feel even worse and more lonely than before. I don't have regrets because I had a wonderful, though very short, relationship with a lovely woman. I know I won't do it again - too emotionally draining and soul crushing. But for a short while, I was alive again.

M1

ouch. I'm so sorry. You're not the only one who has done this, and it's no one's business but yours, IMHO. But—goes to show that the reality is more than most people can cope with. I believe you are caring for your wife at home? I would make the suggestion that when/if you are ready to try again, you hire someone to stay with your wife—even for just a few hours—so that you can go out and meet people outside your home. It would probably do you good in multiple ways.

SDianeL

We understand how you feel. The loneliness is crushing sometimes even if your LO is there physically with you. They are not mentally there anymore. I miss him. I miss us. Please be careful using dating websites. There are many scam artists there. I would never invite a stranger to my home. Do you have any hobbies that you could join others in doing? Take a class, join a book club or support group to have human contact? The Memory Care facility where my husband is has a monthly support group. I haven't attended yet but I plan to.

ButterflyWings

No guilt. I heard it first here, (from Crushed) that you have to do whatever works for you, to try and survive this disease so it does not take two. Like M1 said, it is your business only. I agree it seems best not to bring anyone you don't really know, into your home if you have other options, but maybe you did not. I think it says a lot about you not just going out and leaving your DW alone if that is the case.

Also, if you were thinking that you wanted to be honest with this person about your commitment to your DW, and also hoping it might be longer term just testing the waters to see how they would support over time, you got your answer though it hurts. I'm sorry for that, but also it is better to know that early than later.

As far as SDianeL's caution I don't disagree at all. I would never, ever, ever leave a loved one (child, PWD) or our personal information with a stranger by bringing them in to our home. Well, like most things, that statement and stance was "Before Dementia". I've done exactly that, SO many times in the past year+ now, attempting to get a consistent HHA who can help us navigate DH's care needs. I don't feel like I have a choice if I want help. (We don't have a choice really).

I realize it might be a bit different when you are looking for love and bring someone home that you don't really know, but lots of us are forced into doing it by this disease, for other reasons like getting respite or regular aide to help make the (over)load more manageable, and like you just did — boy am I also getting repeated disappointments from people who aren't really in it as they initially say they are.

"We just do the best we can". That's something my DH said the other day, which shocked me as his aphasia is advanced so he doesn't speak all that much. I think it applies very well. Keep the faith.

Ed1937

I don't think anyone here will criticize you. Caregiving can and will take everything you have, and then some. It's a personal thing, but if you need to talk about it, this is the place to do it.

northernlady

I held my breath as I began to scan the comments.

Grateful for the care and compassion in this group.

Take care of the big picture as well as the small. You receieved excellent advice here.

Crkddy

Thanks so much for your perspectives. It feels good to be understood and not judged. Maybe I was a bit reckless but my trust in her was not misplaced. She and I both wanted her to see DW and myself in our normal routine. To her credit she decided to end it sooner than later to minimize the inevitable pain. She realized how much of me she would have to share with DW and decided it would not be fair to either of us. I love and respect that. Maybe it was just too much to expect of someone. Again, I don't regret it. It is so hard to be alone in these most difficult times. Just feels like it will go on forever and I'm losing hope for the future.

Quilting brings calm

there are all sorts of levels of companionship. You mention texts, phone calls etc. Then a visit to your home. Did you see her at all in real life outside your home or do you not have reliable help so that you can leave your home regularly?
I ask because I think you should start slower. Stay off the dating sites and start venturing out in real life. Not rushing to date, but just to spend time with people. Hang out at a local fast food place or diner during breakfast hours. There’s a daily group there - they will absorb you if you are there often enough. Take a walk the same time every day at a park or on a local street. Volunteer at a local charity once a week for an hour or two.
If you start slow, you might make a real connection with a compatible woman in time.

Crkddy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/214810#Comment_214810

Thank you. I think I was pushing things. I have just started private care three mornings a week. I am going to look for opportunities as you suggest.

wizmo

I'm in a similar place though DW is now in memory care. I waited until after placement to actually try meeting new people, also trying the online route. I have been missing adult conversations more than anything for the last couple of years at least. As expected, the results range from sympathetic to scammers to harsh critics, and a few gems. The good ones are those who know the reality from a close family member or from working in or near healthcare or long term care. I am completely honest about being in a strange place emotionally, and my attention will be divided perhaps for a long time to come. Not a great foundation for a relationship, but new friends maybe.

mrahope

I think the key here is to manage expectations, both for yourself and for any potential partners or friends. Even just small casual conversations can be nourishing, and as other have said, if you create the situation for those conversations to begin, I think that's half the battle.

Arrowhead

I am in a similar situation. I'm not one to look elsewhere myself, but no one should judge you for doing so. You've been dealing with a difficult situation and coping the best you can. I hope you find what works for you.

Dio

Even under normal circumstances, who is anyone to judge unless you're breaking the law or hurting someone intentionally?! No one can understand what a lonely road we 24/7 caregivers are subjected to. No one. Each of our roads are so similar yet different in its own uniqueness. At the end of this wretched journey, it is only you who must face your own judgment (but I hope not too harshly).

QBC offered some great advice. I hope you find what you need. It's reassuring that you are starting to take care of your needs. Your needs are just as important. Although I'm not looking for companionship, I am preparing myself to live as a widow—the inevitable, that is, if I outlive my DH. Yet, here we are, alive and breathing, struggling to survive another day. So I try to cherish every experience I can. After all, this life will be over soon enough.

Vitruvius

I have stated before that I will not be looking for anyone. I just figure no woman will want to take a battery of cognitive tests as a prerequisite to a relationship. :) I'm certainly not going through this again. (please accept this as humor).

M1

I wish i had the time or energy. But im with you Vitruvius, even after she's gone I cannot imagine any intimate relationship, i don't want that responsibility again. Id like to think I'll have the energy to seek out new friends-of both sexes- but even that remains to be seen. Right now dementia caregiving looms too large in my life. I don't even know how I'd have an intelligent conversation about anything else.

Crkddy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/215007#Comment_215007

M1, I understand completely and I know you are going thru a very difficult time. It is remarkable that you continue to help so many others via this forum in the midst of your own struggles. For me, nothing about this journey has discouraged me from wanting to have a relationship again. What has been lost cannot be replaced, but I want to experience the joy again.

ButterflyWings

I said over a year ago that if someone approached me right now I'm not sure if I'd throw a punch, run away, or laugh them out of the room. My first instinct today is I'd probably burst into tears. I want my DH and what we had. Nothing more, nothing less. But heartbreaker, homewrecker dementia has made that impossible.

Either way, I think I'll be spending time getting to know the new me better, once this is over. Then if I feel ready and able (and once they pass the requisite cognitive screening tests), I might. @Vitruvius 😄Laughing, but serious about that part lol.

Crkddy

An update to this story - that sweet person that came into my life all too briefly has let me know that she does not want to give up our relationship. We are trying to figure out what each of us needs and how to get there - slowly and thoughtfully - with honesty and kindness. Both of us acknowledge that care and love for DW is priority. I don't know what will happen but I'm hopeful and excited about having the chance.

Palmetto Peg

We all walk this road alone, and it can be so lonely! Kudos to you, Crkddy, for knowing that you need more, and looking for it. I agree that dating sites might not be the best option, but if you can get care for your loved one and just go out of the house and feel like a person again, you should do that. It sounds like the person you met might turn out to be a good friend, and that may have to be enough for now. Good luck to you, and keep us posted. For me, I can't imagine ever having a relationship again. Right now I just want to have some time to myself, and be free from the never-ending, soul-sucking hours that are my life. I agree about the cognitive test, Vitruvius, humorous or not, there is no way I ever want to do this again! Good luck to you!

FriendinMaryland

Hi Crkddy, I am writing as someone who fell in love with a man who is the primary caregiver for his girlfriend. She has early onset Alzheimer’s and is about stage 6.

The gentleman and I have become very close, and I will admit that I hope to have a future together. While he has allowed himself to imagine that it could happen, he is very careful not to make any promises. He does not want to give me false hope when they are facing so many unknowns. And her care has to be a priority; this is something I’ve never questioned.

In the meantime, we communicate constantly, and I offer what I can—practical and emotional support, adult conversation, a deep friendship. Sometimes I see my role as a lifeguard, throwing him a lifeline before he drowns in the stress and isolation the disease causes.

I really smiled when I read your update to your story. I, too, am hopeful and excited that you and your sweet person don’t want to give up yet. I wish you the best.

l7pla1w2

It seems to me that jumping to a one-on-one relationship is pushing things. Why not seek out group activities that would provide opportunities to meet people with similar interests. I'm thinking of nature groups; hiking groups; bicycling groups; small concert or art venues, particularly if there are receptions afterward. Those are the sorts of activities that match my interests. Think of what you like to do and find an informal group activity that matches. Dancing? Bridge? Boating? Theater? The upside is that there's no urgency to put on a show for a stranger, as you would in a dating situation. Just be yourself and let things happen.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/214994#Comment_214994

Amen to your comments - can't do this again.

Denise1847

I am so sorry that you had that experience. Please take the opportunity to meet others and forge new relationships. You should be able to enjoy the rest of your life and part of that is having healthy relationships.

trottingalong

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69771/went-looking-for-love

I think this is wonderful for you. We are all different, with different needs. For some of us a group of like minded people is all we may need. But for others, there’s that longing for more. A deeper connection where we can share more of ourselves. Each of us has a right (without judgement) to seek out human connections when we have lost the most important one we had. This is a long, lonely road.

Crkddy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/215381#Comment_215381

Thank you FriendinMarylard for sharing your story. There is no doubt that your relationship is making all the difference in your gentleman's journey. Your analogy of lifeguard is so true. Life can be so cruel but also so wonderful at the same time. Know that your friendship with him is precious. I wish you the best.

FTDCaregiver1

Hi Crkddy, your definitely not alone, I'm in my 50s, been caring for DW going on 8 years. About 2 years ago, made the decision to seek love & companionship again. It was deeply conflicted, my love for DW has never waned, and for me I came to the realization (after a severe downward spiral in my health) that If I did not care for myself, I could never care for DW. I care for her still day-in/day out at home (now with in home care help). Her cognitive decline continues, and she has long since been unable to recognize me, other than a familiar caring smiling face. For me, I told my family, used dating apps as the most efficient vehicle to meet/talk and was up-front about my situation at the outset. Even joined an all-male EO support group and meet via zoom (that was very helpful to talk to other guys in my situation). When texting/talking I was up-front about my situation. Long story short, I'm in a committed relationship with a widower who simply gets me & I get her. Still recall initially her abruptly leaving our chat after hearing my story, week later, she reconnected, told me she read into EO FTD, saw alot of YouTube and had no idea about the toll this disease takes on those afflicted and those caring for them. She understood my heart. Two years later, we are still together and make time for ourselves and plan for our future, yet my DW still receives the best of care at home and will always have that until she passes. Your not alone and I certainly get you. Take care.

JiminTexas

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/214781#Comment_214781

Your comment of "I miss him, I miss us" hit me hard. That's what I feel and my DW is only early stage.

Meg423

Fully understand how you feel but consider also that it could go the other way and you could also be in an awkward situation should your DW and the other person become friends and the two of you don't work out! I am living that right now and it is very strange. Take my advice should you embark on this type of relationship in the future, keep the two separate as long as you can and feel comfortable because having to see the person on a regular basis after I decided it was not for me — against her wishes and have her remain friends with my wife… needless to say, I'm a bit uncomfortable.