When did you give up on doing errands with your LO?

tigersmom

Hello, fellow travelers. I am wondering about something I have been thinking about for a while, and it’s this: At what point in your LO’s disease progression did you stop taking him places with you? DH was diagnosed with mild dementia 6/21. Three years later, we seem to be sliding into stage 6. I have continued to take him to the supermarket, the post office, the bank, etc. because he is bored at home. He goes to a day program two days a week. But lately I am wondering how good an idea this is. He still does ok at the supermarket, but the bank seems to distress him, even though I am handling all the transactions. He can’t understand what we are doing there, or why we are there. Yesterday I took him with me to get the car washed, because he used to like that. He did not want to get out of the car before it went through (staying in is not an option) and he didn’t seem to understand the need to get back in after they guys dried it off. I can’t fit everything else I need to do into the 8 hours a week I have free while he’s in daycare. But do I need to try? He is still happy at our neighborhood diner, but then, food is involved there. What has everyone else done?

JDancer

When he was somewhere in stage 5, we went to purchase a new fridge. I thought he should have a say in such an important purchase. When we exited the store, he looked around for the car with a panicked look on his face. He had no idea where the car was parked. He looked so upset, I never took him shopping again.

Denise1847

Hi Tigersmom, My DH is in late stage 5. I have to take him almost everywhere because I don't have much support to stay with him. The grocery shopping is getting much worse (takes items off the conveyor belt before the checker has scanned them, takes the packed bags out of the cart and puts them back on the bagging area). I have strategies to deal with it but boy am I tired when we get home. He cannot find the car without my being right there beside him. Yet, he still wants to go. When he tells me he doesn't want to go, then I will know to either get someone in or have the groceries delivered. I wish I could go without him as I would just enjoy the freedom and stress.

ButterflyWings

Oh @tigersmom you just prompted a flashback. When did I stop taking him on errands with me? I remember the day vividly. Yep, it was that epic. Two years ago, I coerced a very reluctant DH to go accompany me on errands that could not wait but he could not be left home alone. It was a fiasco. That was the last time I took him on errands for a LONG time (more than a year or so).

That day, we had a public standoff that lasted 1.5 hours and ended up with me having to call for a firefighters assist to get him to cooperate so I could drive us back home. It was during a self-imposed homebound status for both of us when DH really did not want to leave the house. Ever. (REALLY did not.) Well, I learned a lesson that day and dementia won. I shared our adventure in a 2022 post. (Will edit to add the link if I can find it). HERE it is.

He has lightened up a lot now with the disease progression, and thankfully you would never know he could be capable of the scene he caused that day! If you have a home helper, I'd say quit while you're ahead. You may enjoy those little mini-respite getaways anyway.

terei

As soon as my mom seemed confused or unhappy because of outings, we quit taking her out. She seemed not to notice that she wasn’t going anywhere except for walks outside, which she still liked.

Crkddy

I am 6+ years into journey with DW. Although she has had her moments, she has not often been very agitated out in public. With DW, it was her stamina. She just reached a point where it was very tiring for her to get in and out of the car and walk around the store. When other people in the store starting asking if they could help us, I knew it was time. At that point I employed private caregivers to stay with DW so that I could run errands. I still have "regulars" in the store ask about DW and say they miss her coming in. I very much miss her being we me.

Ragfoot

My DW is probably late stage 6. I still take her along for nearly all the chores away from home. She is mostly ambulatory... a little slow and unsteady getting up, but does a fine job of pushing a grocery cart (kinda like a walker). I have to keep a fairly close eye on her while shopping. Even though I may have stopped to pick something off the shelf, she is most likely still pushing the basket somewhere. I've nearly misplaced her several times, but thankfully she is not a fast walker.
Remember when we were young and took children to the supermarket with us? Once we reach the checkout register, it has not been uncommon for me to find something in the basket I did not put there. I just smile and apologize to the checker as it gets set aside.

Dio

My journey was a weird turn of events. We went through a period where DH didn't want to be home. Seven days a week I had to plan a full day of being out, from morning until dark. I was exhausted. Then DH suddenly didn't want to go out or do anything anymore. Just stopped. Then he tried to stop me from going out, too. It was a rough period. Once, I had to ask a dear friend to bring me half-n-half cuz I ran out and I needed it for my coffee. So sad, thinking back on those days…

harshedbuzz

Dad stopped accompanying mom on errands fairly early on. So long as he was OK home for a couple hours, she discouraged it as it was respite for her and avoided his badgering her to buy alcohol he wasn’t supposed to have. Early in stage 6-ish she stopped him tagging along entirely.

One thing I haven’t seemed mentioned is the tendency of some PWD to “time travel”. Dad wasn’t oriented to time and was stuck in the mid 1970s. This brought 2 issues— change and inflated prices. He’d worked in the food industry at the front and tail ends of his working life and would dither over new products and procedures as well as the prices that he considered exorbitant. Sometimes he’d clamor to try “new” items aimed at children mostly, sometimes he’d interfere with a choice because of the cost. More than once he stormed out refusing to shop at a store that would charge $1.79 for a 19-cent head of lettuce. Funny, he never complained about the price of Chardonnay.

In your shoes, I might look at other ways to accomplish your errands. Unfortunately, mom loves to shop and is not at all tech savvy, so ordering for delivery or curbside wasn’t a solution for her. But this is a great option for keeping some of your 8 respite time open for something pleasant. Most banking can be done from home or using an ATM/drive-thru. I went into the bank to get some crisp Benjamins for a gift a few weeks ago and it was the first time I’d set foot in the bank in at least 6 years.

HB

Quilting brings calm

My Mom lives in AL. I do her errands for her. I no longer take her out unless it’s to a medical appointment or something that can’t be done without her. In her case, it’s mobility issues. She uses a rollator walker. It’s hard for me to lift it in/out of my small SUV. She walks so slow with it that it is painful to try to walk beside her. I have both a bad back and bad knees - I don’t walk all that fast myself.
In addition, she makes bad choices about purchases. The last time I took her to a shoe store, she tried on every pair of shoes in her size from a three shelf display. She picked the pair that were cute and came in white instead of the pair that were the most comfortable. We were there because her PT convinced her that she needed a new pair of shoes for her neuropathy. The AL nurse has started telling the PT to stay in her lane.

We did take her out to eat for Mother’s Day. We gave her a choice of restaurants. That was too stressful, so we picked pizza for her. At the restaurant, she was overwhelmed by her topping choices. After a long period, she chose toppings that she has never eaten on her pizza before. Simple choices overwhelm her.

HollyBerry

Stage 4/5? this spring I started doing almost everything myself when I can. It keeps the arguments under control, avoids the embarrassing behavior in public, and is a whole lot more efficient. There are some errands we'll do together, where she'll stay in the car and I'll run in (I keep the keys!) but that's hard when it's hot out. She doesn't seem to care and actually seems relieved; the grocery store is sensory overload and if we go together, I'm racing through to get the 3 or 4 things we absolutely need, rather than shopping thoughtfully and making good choices.

Jeanne C.

My husband is late stage 6. I rarely take him on errands. He's ok riding in the car for short trips. Sometimes he can have a meal at the local diner (I have to put him on a inside of the booth and sit next to him.) He was able to go to the barber until a few months ago. I took him into the Wawa a month ago and he had a total meltdown. At this point I use delivery when I can, drive-up/thru, or wait until his aide is with him.

AnderK

Hello, all.

In this vein, I am somewhat relieved that my Tim has mobility issues, and yet disdains the use of any mobility devices except a single cane. I know, at least for now, that he will scarcely move from his chair/sofa/couch if I have to run an errand during his awake (read out of bed) times). Or even visit with a neighbor. Plus the fact that timeliness is not on our side. Any outing with him needs to be planned, no spur of the moment for us. To the mobility issue, I am also certain that if I do need to stop at the store on the way back from one of his appt, he will stay in the car, and I can take the scenic route home.

I do most of my errands, when I can between 6 AM and 11 in the mornings, so that I can be home when he wakes up. I also make use of our local grocery store's shopping service (for $85 a year you can submit an online order to be picked up at a certain time. It is a godsend)

Mobility is an issue for a separate post. I am angry about the fact that he has done nothing to keep the mobility that he had gained during his times with PT, and how limiting it is for us. In this case, though, and, again, for now, it helps that i know he won't wander. For now.

Kathy

FTDCaregiver1

Its been bumpy up/down ride on taking DW with me on car rides. About 4 yrs. ago, she started wanting to jump out of the car, she was hysterical, stopped these ventures out of the home, got her meds sorted, she's progressed well into stage 6 now. Surprisingly, she enjoys short car rides (no errands though as she gets sensory overload), these quiet rides seem to soothe her, rocking her to sleep like a baby. Always keep snacks on hand to redirect when I know she can be easily agitated by too many stimuli. Only trip we take is once a month to our local PACE center (lunch and walk around).

tigersmom

Many, many thanks for all these great replies. Once again, this is clearly something that others have struggled with. @ButterflyWings , I looked up your old post and was howling. What an adventure that was! @HollyBerry , I hear you about the grocery shopping. I am always buying the wrong thing because I am racing to get out of there. This week it was clear blue recycle bags instead of the clear, no-color ones my city requires. And they were expensive! And @harshedbuzz, drive-through would be great but we don’t have that! We walk everywhere! One more reason why where I live is kind of a PITA when you’re caring for someone with dementia. On the other hand, with the truck stashed in a garage four blocks away, I never have to worry about him driving. Counting my blessings.