My sister is revising all my parents plans - I just can't deal with it

TrumpetSwan

I moved both parents to an ALF three months ago. They both have gone downhill rather quickly. Mom has stage 5-6 dementia. Dad has COPD and was recently diagnosed with CHF. Both are double incontinent. Dad is showing signs of dementia too. Their living conditions are challenging.

Ten years ago, they did their Wills, DPOA was in place (naming both my sister and I as secondary contacts after their spouse), Patient Advocate forms, and they paid in advance for their funeral service and cemetery plot. Dad gave me all these forms and for 10 years I have held them ready to refer to when needed. My sister never even asked, nor was she involved in any prior conversation with my parents about their plans. She stated recently she never even knew she was on their POA forms. She showed zero interest.

The ALF called two weeks ago informing dad's CHF was worse and now he is in early renal failure. They suggested he go to ER for in-patient treatment again but warned it could impact his kidneys. We informed dad about his condition, and he stated he did not want to go to ER. He said "no doctors" poking around. He also told us we could drag him out of the ALF when he dies. I supported dad's decision. My sister said she wanted him to go to ER, but would also support his decision. I said I would make arrangements for Hospice care for dad and up until yesterday, she told me she agreed. So I started to set up an eval with Hospice.

Now I see my sister is going in her own direction. I question why? She never even visited our parents that often and now she is all over all details of their life. Is she on a power trip, looking for money, eager to exploit? Is she eager to take away something from me to feel superior?

Yesterday, she started texting me repeatedly asking for all the original paperwork I was holding. I refused to give it to her. She showed up at my house this morning and texted she was in my driveway and to give it to her. I said No. She stated they needed the POA revised since both are doing so poorly and cannot make their own decisions. I refused to agree. She informed me she brought an attorney to my parents to sign "all new paperwork". I have a job. She does not. I cannot take time to deal with her whims at random. I went to visit parents this evening and ran into my sister on her way out. She haughtily stated since I did not give her the original paperwork, it cost them more money to be revised. She was accusatory and aggressive. I was livid, sad, and appalled.

Before she walked out, my sister casually said she is going to 'take dad to ER tomorrow'. This is not what we agreed to 12 hours ago. All the plans I started for Hospice are irrelevant if she takes dad to ER. I asked if dad told her he wanted to go. She said she had not discussed it with him. She said she just decided he is going. She was there with her teenage daughter and I did not want to get into an argument so I said nothing. My sister then questioned the cemetery they had chosen to be buried in and said when dad dies she would just have the burial somewhere else close by instead. I was again appalled. I said no, but she just shrugged and walked off. She acts entitled and exploitive. She has no boundaries. She has no empathy or regard for our parents - or me.

My first question is - could there be any honorable intentions behind her acts to revise all of mom and dad's plans?

My second question is - can I stop her? I do not think I can as long as her name is on their POA. I talked to a lawyer a few months ago, and he told me my options were to 1) have both parents remove sister's name from their documents (they would never agree to that), or 2) I get two doctors to claim both incompetent (dad still is aware enough where I do not think that would work).

In addition, my sister is also the Executor and their Trustee Successor. My parents have always adored her as their 'first born'. She has always been their favorite. They never see her manipulations. I have tried in my life to tell my parents what I see in her, but they have never agreed with me. In fact, they always just got mad at me. I have learned to let so much just go because I am trying to save people who do not see a problem. Even I try to 'save them', I am not so sure there is any actual gain anymore.

Do I have to just let this go? Thanks.

SDianeL

afraid if the recommendations the attorney made can’t be done that you have no choice. So sorry.

M1

I'm sorry this is happening. Sibling disagreements are so painful, as are family disagreements of most sorts.

I remember when I had a serious disagreement with my ex about one of our teenaged children, someone wise advised me to give up control of the decision making—but that also meant letting the other person feel the consequences of their own actions, giving them what they wished for, in effect. You may be in the same position. Your sister is going to find out the hard way that there aren't many alternatives for your parents beyond what you were already providing. I'm sorry.

H1235

If your sister is the POA and executor of the estate I don’t think there is much you can do. Did your dad do a living will? If so that may solve the question of an ER trip. As much as it hurts this is the choice your parents made and I think it should be respected, unless you think she is doing something shady. How frustrating! I am curious how financial matters have been handled if your sister is the one with the POA and has not been involved. I also don’t understand how she could not know she is poa. It’s poa I had to sign the document. I was also given copies of everything. I agree with you on the ER visit and sympathize with her lack of involvement up til now. But I do believe it was wrong of you to keep the POA documents from her if she is their poa. But in such frustrating situations it’s difficult to think clearly and instinct is to protect your LO at all costs. I do question why the POA would need to be revised because they are doing so badly. That is the whole point of the poa, to have it in place when they are not well. If they were able to sign a new POA then they should also be able to sign a living will. This would state their wishes regarding care toward the end of life(A DNR, feeding tubes, and maybe treatment for kidney failure). I have said may times here dealing with family can be by far more difficult than dealing with the person with dementia. Sorry.

SusanB-dil

Dad is somewhat aware, but not aware that she is going against what he wants? uuugh!! How frustrating! So sorry you are dealing with that.

jfkoc

You and your sister are equal under the DPOA. I see no reason for you not to give her a copy.

At this point any rewriting can be challenged.

All a trustee does is to see that an estate is handled at the time of death.

Get out the documents and read them carefully

H1235

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/215491#Comment_215491

I was named DPOA by my mom. My brother was named secondary in the event I die before mom. We are not co DPOA. This is the arrangement I gathered from what was written. But I agree a good long look at all the documents can’t hurt.