Not sure what to say when he doesn’t remember

annie51

We had some friends over for dinner last night and had a great time. My DH today is asking when everyone is coming over. I said they were all here last night for dinner and he said “I wasn’t there!” or “You had them over without me”. I just don’t know how to respond to this type of thing. He does this frequently. Any suggestions?

sandwichone123

My rule at that stage was to remind once. After that I'd move on, perhaps saying, "I'm not sure when they'll be able to come again," and move to distraction.

harshedbuzz

@annie51

For this particular line of inquiry, it would be best to consider that he is asking "when" doesn't recall it already happened. You could have said plans changed and are still up in the air and then pivot to "it'll be nice to see them again", "I hope it's soon" or another topic entirely.

HB

jfkoc

There is no point in reminding…just move along.I say that knowing full well it is not easy, sorry.

SDianeL

lie and change the subject. Trying to tell him the truth will only make him anxious and argumentative. You can’t reason with someone whose “reasoner” is broken.

mathreader

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/215846#Comment_215846

That is an interesting way to go about it. I will try that next time. Thanks for your suggestion

Laurie1282

Every evening my husband with Alz asks when the people are coming to our house and waits at the door to greet them after setting out an assortment of drinks and sometimes snacks. I try to distract him, but it doesn't usually work. So now I just say that I'm not sure when anyone is coming, but we will certainly welcome them in when they come. I let him stand at the door and watch since that isn't hurting anyone. That seems to placate him for a while. I also say that I haven't heard from anyone but will let him know if I do. It helps not to argue or try to convince him that he is wrong, just go along with it…

Windsock

Good morning. All very good technique with these suggestions. My issue is similar. My DW gets upset with me saying I need to communicate better! We will talk throughout the day up until just before dinner about our dinner plans. Several times throughout the day she will ask, “What’s the plan?” She gets angry at me because she was never made aware of the “plan” and I don’t communicate well. I used to go over the different times we had talked about it and in some cases show her the texts I had sent. Now I just let it roll off , occasionally saying that I’ll do better or use a subject change. It’s been a while since I tried saying “Babe, it’s your memory, we really did talk about it”. She would get a tear in her eye with the realization and sometimes apologize. It seems now that she Will probably get confused if I state that or she will get upset. I also don’t want to hurt her feelings. We always kiss good night, all was forgotten…..

Suzwrites

Hi all—I'm a newcomer here. This resonates with me too. The last few weeks my LO has been more confused, especially about events and I've been tripped up by repeated questions. Usually, it doesn't bother me, but I've found myself losing patience recently. Then I just feel so guilty. I always apologize, and all is well again, but as he declines, I want to learn from others how to handle this journey more compassionately. Thanks—I know these boards are going to be a huge help.

trottingalong

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216306#Comment_216306

I think we all lose patience now and then. And we feel guilty for it. We aren’t perfect humans and have been thrown into unfamiliar territory. I’m pretty good overall (at least I think I am), but still find myself getting short with my DH. I get flustered and he reacts to it. I always apologize, like you. Like others have said before, a breath and a pause prior to speaking can do wonders. That’s when I say to myself, it’s his brain, it’s not his fault.

ButterflyWings

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/215886#Comment_215886

Hey Laurie, let us know what time to stop by and we will help you eat the hors d’oeuvres!

Have you tried telling him “they called and rescheduled for tomorrow” ? Rinse and repeat. Or whatever he would accept.