Dad's anger and my mental well-being

jen ht

Hello,

I am beginning to wonder if my visits with dad do more harm than good. He really wants to go home. The demands increase and intensify. I end up just having to figure out ways to excuse myself so he doesn't escalate more. Agitation and pacing have already been concerns for the nurse practitioner at his memory care community.

It is also not easy for me to endure. I am doing my best to try to do right for him… to keep him safe and cared for.

Ugh. I feel a little rudderless here.

I have had periods when I stay way. I have collected his Alexa device because that communication tool would also trigger his upset and he would leave long messages about me getting him out of there (his way of wording it).

Today was my first day seeing him after a week. I was out of town to care for his home in another state.

I know it is partly anosognosia. But I don't know how to keep my head clear when this happens and I don't know what to do that would be best for him when he gets angry about wanting to leave.

Feeling deflated, discouraged and a little lost on how to proceed.

Thanks for reading. I welcome your input and truths. Not many folks know how to speak truth into these circumstances.

Do I limit my visits with him? I seem to trigger him. Am I making things worse for him? and for the caregivers at his MC by just riling him up?

May we be well,

jen

💜

M1

Jen, I was a trigger for my partner the whole first year that she was in MC. I could only visit rarely, never alone, and had to confine my visits to sitting in public areas (no private visits in her room).

It was clearly harder on me than on her. It’s still very early days for your dad, so you may need to stay away for a much longer period. You might ask if they have a way to do a FaceTime call with him- we did that a time or two, but with the activities director also present.

It will get easier, but it can be a long process, ours was longer than most. Hang in there.

terei

as it is, the visits are not pleasant for either of you + I would not visit for at least 2-3 weeks. try to determine whether he is doing ok without you there. if you absolutely need to see him, try to go + observe him while he does not know you are there. I had a friend that had to not visit her mother for over a year because she became unhinged every time she tried to visit. she was fine otherwise, according to the facility

jen ht

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216752#Comment_216752

Thank you, M1. I had a feeling that these would be things I would need to do. I appreciate your insights. I was so concerned today that I opened his door and finished our talk with the door open and me standing in the opening.

Well, I teach and school starts soon. I think it is time for me to shift to my own appointments and needs prior to school starting and give an even longer break for him.

Thanks again,

jen

jen ht

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216767#Comment_216767

Thank you, terei. I will take a big step back for a longer period of time. Good idea about observing. Take care.

harshedbuzz

As dad was adjusting to being in MC, we never visited solo. I went with mom and sometimes my DH came with me instead. We only visited in the "public" areas of the MCF; he had just enough on the ball to behave a bit better when he had an audience of staff.

HB

Gobellago

I don’t have many words of wisdom but want you to know I’m living a similar experience right now with my father. He yells at me and blames me for most things. As much as I KNOW it’s not really him and to not take it personally, I could cry at the drop of a hat just thinking about it. I’ve given so much time and effort to him over the last 6 years, and this has put me over the edge. Thanks to some of the input here online, I will adjust the way I “visit” him so that I do a better job protecting myself.

Lport

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69984/dads-anger-and-my-mental-well-being

does he think you’re someone else ? My brother triggers my dad . He thinks my brother is his brother who agitated him all his life - just wondering if he thinks you’re someone else

jen ht

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216892#Comment_216892

On this particular day he had gotten some bad news during a telehealth appt. I am new to this. I should've gotten the heck out of there immediately after that appointment ended. New to this mistake for sure.

Sometimes when I am there the visits go smoothly. Previously the meanness directed at me only came out when he would call or leave messages using the Alexa.

He's been told that I am the only one who can sign him out. I think we've gotten some new redirection approaches now. But on days when he really fixates on getting to go home/leave/move out - I seem to still be "attached" to that for him.

Thank you for commenting. I do wonder sometimes if he thinks I am my mom (his ex-wife). It's so hard to know sometimes what's being processed in his mind and what isn't.

jen ht

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216819#Comment_216819

Good point. He does do better when my partner is there too. We usually bring him a sandwich and eat together in a common space. Those go okay (in terms of anger) too. Good points here. Thank you.

jen ht

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216840#Comment_216840

My hand in yours. I so feel this. Lots tears in the car.

I am so glad to see you write the words about protecting yourself. This is so important. I am cheering you on in this. Thanks for commenting.

harshedbuzz

@jen ht

Good point about the sandwich. I'd forgotten to mention that I never visited empty-handed. A hot cup of coffee and a treat from Dunks or a fastfood lunch with a milkshake or even a magazine started the visit on better footing.

HB

Emily 123

Hi jen,

Just a thought…he may be beyond the point where he can usefully interpret information from a healthcare provider. It may be that those care discussions should be routed just to you. If he sees you as part of the reason he’s there, then any reminders that he lacks autonomy may cause him to react.

Giving him less information and choices to handle will help him manage better. The healthcare providers can tell him ‘things are great!’ and follow up with you. Even though it feels like you’re removing autonomy, and that in itself feels disrespectful, the disease will reduce a person’s ability to process information to a child’s level, for all that they still look like an adult. The Tam Cummings’ handout lists comparative ages at the top of each stage…it’s a steep learning care and every person with the disease is different because we’re all different.

https://tala.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts.pdf